Apr 18

Not having sex makes men depressed, suicidal

This is a common discussion point in the ‘sphere, one I’ve even written about and one beaten to death if you open your eyes.  M3 did a most powerful post on this last year with his Confessions of a Reformed Incel (involuntary celibacy . For most men this is what it boils down to from his post:

  • It’s not just about ‘sex’. (well, for me anyways)

It’s about the connection sex implies. Of being wanted, desired, to be loved both mentally and physically, to be validated, to share, to connect, feel alive, be human.

His post breaks this down to the point that the lack of this basic need led him to be suicidal.  He’s a single guy, but the need for affection and, yes, sex is something that is born in our very DNA.  Single, gay, married, straight… we need this bond, especially with someone who we love, to feel like a man.  When it doesn’t occur, or occurs only enough to keep the marital hounds at bay, it haunts us and becomes a depressing focal point for a depressing life.  For men, there’s sometimes only a pencil thin line separating love and sex.  Sex is both a biological need and a way for us to express our love.  If we don’t have sex with our lives, the love we feel starts to erode.  Sometimes men can deal with the scraps they’re given, but even if they do, resentment can build and eat away like a cancer.

If you check out MMSL Forums, they are filled with men and women in various stages of improving their sex life.  Some are dealing with a Hail Mary attempt to turn around a sexless marriage and avoid divorce, some are simply trying to keep the magic alive, some are up to their eyeballs in marital :FAIL: (911 sub-forum).

What brought me back around to write about this [AGAIN] was follow-on from a previous one I did, a linkage to How to Be a Dad’s Why Won’t My Wife Have Sex with Me.  The comments from the public following that article run the gambit of good advice to bad advice, but one of the latest comments (which continue to be written by men and women who are just stumbling upon his post) showed again how fragile a man’s psyche is when the person he loves doesn’t realize the damage that can be done by refusing sex (I took the liberty of fixing some typos):

As someone who didn’t have sex during the pregnancy, and still haven’t almost a year since the birth of our son now. I would say the best thing for a neglected husband to do is either, get a mistress, get a divorce or put it to your wife plainly that you need attention as you can’t go on like this.

I love my wife very much but realize my mental health is at stake. I’ve already considered suicide, lost my job and found a new one due to depression and separate rooms, and no sex is making me feel worthless. What’s the point kind of thing. I’m giving the marriage until Summer with some serious talks. Life is too short for us to live like this.

I could pan for further “gold” throughout various other posts or forums (No More Mr. Nice Guy, TalkAboutMarriage, etc.) but you get the point.  People, mostly men but some women, are dying to figure out how things that started out so promising (perhaps) is now so depressing and influencing their ability to be happy.

My secret goal of revisiting this topic is one of simply the hope that someone that is drowning in marriage or life because of this issue stumbles upon this post and realizes they aren’t alone… that many people struggle with this same issue.  And maybe, just maybe, a woman or three may have their eye’s open up to what saying “no” really does to their husband in the long run.  While I certainly don’t have the answers (or at least not many), a number of my links are useful in self reflection and perhaps digging a useful nugget from the litterbox of advice out there.


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  1. Anisa

    In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly, there are a couple of quotes from men responding to women who are concerned/convinced that men are looking at their flaws (like back fat, or whatever else) during sex, and thus preventing them from being vulnerable and having said sex. These words made a huge difference in how I think about rejecting my husband’s advances.
    One young guy said: “Stop making up all of this stuff about what we’re thinking. What we’re really thinking is ‘Do you love me? Do you care about me? Do you want me? Am I important to you? Am I good enough?’ That’s what we’re thinking. When it comes to sex, it feels like our life is on the line, and you’re worried about that crap?”
    A middle aged man said: “When you want to be with us… in that way… it makes us feel more worthy. We stand a little taller. Believe in ourselves more. I don’t know why but it’s true. And I’ve been married since I was 18. It still feels that way with my wife.”
    It never occurred to me that my husband was feeling that way, that my acceptance/rejection had so much power. I’m glad I learned differently.

    1. AverageMarriedDad

      Most excellent response and so true. We know you women aren’t perfect but in the heat of the moment, you’re perfect to us and we DO have complete tunnel vision. I’m glad you’ve seen what sort of power you can have and know to use it for good!

      I’ve just reserved that book from my library.

      1. Anisa

        I’ll be interested to see how you work the stuff from Daring Greatly into Red Pill life. I worry you’ll find it all too Beta. But I’m glad you’re taking a look, I have found the lessons within it very powerful for me.
        I try to only use my powers for good these days. I hope I succeed. :)

  2. V

    Wow. Men really are fucking pigs.

    1. Baron bruce

      Do pigs love to have sex? If so men and women are both pigs. This is why men, women and pigs still exist.
      Women like sex too and for those that try to play it like otherwise, they are just dishonest pigs .

    2. O

      Fuck off V.

  3. Anon

    My husband gets like this just after a few days without sex.. We both work a lot of hours and we work opposite shifts so we aren’t home at the same time for very long periods of time. Its almost as if he thinks we should be spending all the time we do have together, in the sack. When we are home at the same time there always seems to be so much other stuff that needs to be done that my brain is not focused on sex. On average we still make time for it 1-2x a week. However, if he goes 3+ days without, he acts & has made remarks thinking its been over a month. I get so annoyed with it being an ongoing argument that it messes with my “need” for it. Its gotten to the point where he literally gets into a funk & he comes up with millions of reasons he doesn’t think I love him. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  4. not sure what to do....

    married 20 years… sex has been maybe once a year if lucky for about 15 years now, wife has no interest at all. When it does happen, I just feel guilty, because I know she really didn’t want to. currently nearing 1.5 – 2 years without. yes, its more than just sex, its the connection, there is no more intimacy.. I won’t cheat… have kids so won’t divorce… I have not felt like a man in the last decade. …. no self confidence, …. I can’t take it any more…. to make matters worse, she is still absolutely stunning. It’s just a constant smack in the face.

    1. David

      For me it is coming upon 7 years since we’ve had sex. I’m only 53. I don’t know what to do. Cheating is not an option, for both emotional a well as practical reasons. I am after all lower middle income, not very handsome and not all that attracted to women besides my wife. ( Most women close to my age these days are so overweight! Does anyone exercise anymore?)
      I masturbate a lot. That’s all I have left. I do get hugs and non sexual kisses. She feels more like a sister or daughter to me everyday.

    2. Victor

      Man, do I understand you. I`m in the EXACT situation: 20 years with my wife, have kids, doing it once a year if lucky….I was browsing the web and found your comment. I`m glad I`m not alone (but i`m not glad for you).
      But you said you won`t cheat. I kind of disagree. Right now, I don`t have any opportunity, because I work alone as a self-employed, but I made a decision: If I get an opportunity, I won`t miss it. I once dated a girl and, at one point, wasn`t attracted to her anymore. So I was making it like once a week instead of everyday. Let met tell you, she didn`t wait 20 years; she dumped me without notice! Why should we accept this treatment? Move on my friend. When you love someone, you want his happiness, even if that means doing things you don`t feel like. Like most of us, guys, follow our lady for hours in shopping centers, although we hate it as hell. And she can`t give you back an hour our affection? No way, this is not love. This is abuse.

      1. kev

        I feel guilty even to think of cheating my wife. We seldom have sex. I can understand her stress with kids, house chores and office work. I really try to be understanding. But I am a mere man in flesh who has this urge. I really feel lacking the ‘man’ I need to exert as the man of the family (i don’t mean domination over woman kind of thing). I really need help on this…

  5. Andy

    What I’d really like to know is what is happening in my psyche and physiology that makes me so depressed when my wife doesn’t want to have any sex at all. She went from normal to nothing. I have a two year old and will not let him go through what I did in a broken family. But what is the answer when she won’t even touch me? I try to be helpul in the house, do the shopping, cook all the lunches ( I work very close to home) get the baby up every morning, and then work all day, then give her a massage every night of the week.

    My wife has no idea why she feels a reversion towards it.

    I just want to stop feeling depressed an get my happy self back again and don’t wnat my life destroyed through a lack of sex.

    I think at a fundamental level I need to get my self back again from some source other than her and feel like a man again, and maybe she will feel like being a woman again. Its certainly worth a try, what have i got to lose apart from carrying on in this way and getting increasingly depressed and less and less attarcative to my wife who wants a strong man, whichshe is unwittingly destroying.

    1. James

      Hey I’m a 21 year old who stumbled upon this article because I don’t have sex at all. Virgin.
      But I realize I’m not in as nearly as bad of shape as men like you, Andy, because I’m not stuck, nor do I believe myself to be.
      The truth in these situation is you have failed because you have made your happiness dependent upon one person. You have probably become needy, like your 2 now probably 3 year old. Also a mix of stagnation in personal growth and excitement makes you boring. You turn her off. Pure and simple.
      Your wife knows why she doesn’t sleep with you; her feigned ignorance is because she probably doesn’t feel comfortable divulging the fact that she does not desire you and you don’t arouse her. As I don’t arouse the women around me.
      As a Christistian man here is what the bible says about marital sex: 1 Corinthians 7:3-4
      3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
      Listen being honest, I don’t feel there really is a way to get it back. You are pretty much stuck in a miserable, sexless existence. Or you can do the brave thing: leave your wife, temporarily or for good, stay a good father, get your confidence back and look for someone who believes in keeping you feeling like a man.
      It will be a great experience to share about you attempting to make your marriage work, making a business decision about your happiness, while being a good father and a man reinstated into the sexual market.
      I believe your number one desired attribute in a woman should probably be appreciation. Good Luck

  6. jacob

    I’ve been married for the past 7 years. I work shifts including weekends and there are times, I don’ t see my wife for an entire week. We have sex once every 3 months. the last time was October.

    I understand my work is killing my sex life. We are growing further apart. I love my wife but I don’t know what to do. She once told me she does not find me attractive anymore. At the same breath I dont want to be in a sexless relationship, or be in it for the kids.

    I’m 36 yrs old an very depressed. Whenever I bring up the topic, she tries her best to avoid the conversation. cries and we also sleep in separate beds. She also does not want to seek professional help or counselling. I need advice… HELP

    1. AverageMarriedDad

      Jacob – I don’t remember if I replied to you off-line or not. Night shifts and weekend work is common in a lot of fields, and it is very difficult on families and individuals. Somehow you need to try and make the time you have in proximity with each other valuable. It’s an uphill climb if you can’t change your work situation, but it is not all a lost cause.

      Her telling you she’s not attracted to you is a big red flag. You need to immediately start some self improvement – eat better, find time to work out to look better, start acting like a leader in and outside of your family. Read Athol Kay’s books. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. You need to start changing how you live your life, and the funny thing is, when you do, she will likely come along. If not, you’ve improved yourself for the next Mrs. Jacob. We only live once, so if you try everything in your power to save the marriage and make it sexier and it doesn’t work, you shouldn’t have to suffer for the rest of your life. Again, educate yourself with the resources I mentioned and hopefully you can overcome the obstacles in your life. Good luck.

  7. CJ

    I’m a healthy, average looking single, 30 year old male. I haven’t had any sexual conctact since 2005. Not even a BJ. I’ve had sporadic relationships here and there since the last time I had sex, but no sexual conduct. I’m going on 9 years WITHOUT SEX. I’ve made several attempts at having a connection with a woman/young lady & it always leads to the same thing-NO SEX. I’m not one to “rent” a woman since I feel it’s desperate, immoral, & illegal. I suffer from a few mental disorders like depression due to my lack of sex. I’ve wasted almost my whole 20s trying to get laid & it’s getting more difficult as I grow older. Women just are not interested in me, and I’m NOT interested in gay men. I’m basically asexual or involuntarily celebate (incel). I hate it. I should be a smooth, suave, sexy single guy yet I’m just a short, chubby shlubb living in the midwest with no goals or direction in life, due to my lack of sex. I hate women & the modern society which highly values sex as the final frontier in human connection.
    In 2007, I promised myself that if I did not have sex within 10 years of my last sexual encounter, then I will go on a mass murder spree, Virginia Tech style. I’ll be a one man army & take as many people out as possible. It’s a sad, horrid thought, yet this is what society has reduced me to. All I need is some sort of physical sexual contact between now and April, 2015. If it doesn’t happen, then I will execute my plan which I stated above.
    If you don’t want it happen, then all you have to do is suck my dick.Suck a dick to save some lives & prevent a massacre. That’s all. Nothing to it ladies. Suck a dick, save a life.

    1. AverageMarriedDad

      CJ: You need to get some professional help ASAP.

    2. Dean Banks

      I see. So using a Hooker is illegal and wrong but mass murder is not.
      You are just a pathetic little. No woman in her right mind is going to go with a whining freak like you. You are about as dangerous as a wet paper bag. Stop trying to be scary and spen your time doing something with your life. And above all grow up and stop blaming others for your failures. Its all your fault.

    3. Dean Banks

      I see. So using a Hooker is illegal and wrong but mass murder is not.
      You are just a pathetic little man. No woman in her right mind is going to go with a whining freak like you. You are about as dangerous as a wet paper bag. Stop trying to be scary and spen your time doing something with your life. And above all grow up and stop blaming others for your failures. Its all your fault.

    4. James

      Msybe the reason you want sex so bad is become you are a beoken person who needs healing. Most times I want sex thd most when I’m in an emotionally crappy state. Sex d poo es not provide healing. Healing is better than any sex you could ever have.

  8. Loius

    Hey buddy , Nice to meet you, cause it’s the same for me. Just like you said. Can we talk on Whatsup sometime. Thanks. Just reading what you wrote gives me hope. Thank you.

  9. bob

    Dean Banks stop acting like your a god and know if his threats are real or not.Enouth times have we seen someone tell a friend or someone that he will kill and people never took it serious but the killings actually happened.And where does he ever say like going on a mass murder is not wrong?And you think he does not know its his fault for lacking success with girls?

    Try to live in his mind or even have a life similar to his and feel his pain then you will be allowed to open your mouth and talk bad about him.Everyone is different and to some people getting a girlfriend is almost impossible whitout help.Take Elliot Rodger as an example the man was VERY shy and since on top of that men in general are suppose to make the first move it makes it very very hard for such person to have any success.

    1. Bayz

      He claims to need a blowjob, then comes here threatening to cause mass murder because using a hooker is below that for him, that is, he would first kill people than use a readily available service. If he was for real he is the lowest scum in the planet and deserves to be purged from the genepool. If he is not he is a basement dweller and a whiny little bitch.

  10. Truth Hurts

    The real reason behind sexless marriage is lack of physical attraction. Its time men woke up to the game that is being played on them. Women often marry men they aren’t very attracted to, simply because there are far more women than there are physically attractive men who are willing to commit. Many are willing to give up a good sex life for that commitment, because they value that more than romantic love.
    Contrary to the popular myth, women are VERY visual when it comes to attraction. They find most men physically unattractive, and the majority of the men they ARE physically attracted to are chillingly similar in appearance. Do not believe the lie that women vary greatly in what they find hot in a guy, physically, or the lie that your personality or ability to provide will make you sexier. Those will improve your mate desirability for long term, but will not increase her desire to have sex with you.
    You have to understand women dont tell these half-truths maliciously. It is NOT done with ill intent. They are SHAMED for being open about what they want. They are PRESSURED by society to settle for men they are not physically attracted to, and THIS is the hidden, root eason why most marriages split up.
    Here is the ultimate acid test to weed out the good marriage candidate from the settlers and fakes, because it strikes at the very core of the issue: After you’ve fucked her a few times, tell her you are NOT looking for commitment. If she still sticks around, even if she pouts about it, that is a good sign that she is attracted enough to you that you wont get stuck with a sexless marriage after the wife no longer feels the need to keep up the act. If she passes the test, THAT girl is a keeper, because a long term relationship with her is far more likely to last. It’s counterintuitive and risky, but absolutely essential if you want to find a long term relationship with a woman who is TRULY attracted to you.

  11. Ernesto

    This is serious problem that doesn’t get any attention. I feel bad for all the men out there as I am in the same situation. But for me, not being able to find a job makes sex almost immpossible. The only time I get to work, I’m usually surrounded by men or very old women.

    To the men who’s wifes doen’t have sex. Simple solution. Stop being a pussy and bang a mistress. Why do you let yourself get tortured? I understand you want to keep marriage for the kids but beleive me your kids will suffer even more because you are constantly depressed.

    For the guy on the killing spree, this is what happens to some men as we have seen with Elliot Rodger. If I knew your whole situation I would try to help you, but here are some tips.

    If you have a job, get in shape because women are just as superficial as men, and they will more likely suck your dick if you are attractive.

    If you can, get out of the suburbs and live somewhere near lots of young women.

    Anytime you see a women in distress or is being harassed help her. Women are attracted to men who will protect them. If they are protected they will feel safe and then have an urge to have sex.

    Start calling women out on their bullshit. Its true that being the right kind of asshole will get you laid.

  12. Sydney Girl

    just making a comment to receive future posts.

  13. Grateful guy

    I just wanted to post a comment to say “thank you” for posting this. I’ve been out of a long-term relationship for about a year now. We had a very similar problem with our sexual relationship and I felt completely unwanted and inadequate. I was so sexually frustrated that I couldn’t sleep. My life suffered tremendously from it. Talking to her about the issue didn’t change anything permanently. Things would get better for a while and when she thought it was enough, she’d take it away again. Ultimately she left me like I was just a fling, then found someone else within a couple of months. My feelings of inadequacy have peaked since then. I’m glad to know that while it’s unfortunate so many of us go through this, I’m not alone and there are people trying to raise awareness. So again, thank you.

  14. Tom

    Sad to hear men in similar situation as myself. Married over 14 years, have young children so don’t want to divorce. Lucky to have sex 6 times a year after pleading for it. Has destroyed me mentally , feel worthless, and currently been without for 4 months. I feel no intimacy towards her as it’s a total brain #uck being rejected , she’s more like a mother now and I can’t be bothered anymore. I’ve tried so hard. I sleep in separate rooms now as I’m tired of feeling attracted to her, then been smacked. She thinks everything is fine even though I have discussed the issue several times. Its a yo yo. Worst thing is I can’t afford to move out and rent a place for myself, so feel trapped as well. I still love her as a person, she is attractive, and I don’t want to abandon my young children. I work Mon-Fri , long hours to feed the family. I don’t look forward to coming home, only do so for my kids. Its a dark place to be in, feels sad to see other couples seem so happy, hold hands , share a kiss. I get none though I have tried so hard. Been hurt so long, don’t try now as it hurts. To any man out there in similar situation, I’d say, if you can afford it financially, leave and live your life. Life is short. Peace.

    1. Fiona Beswick

      Are you men actually saying, you want sex and the validation it brings…more than your own children? That you will ‘feel like a man’ if you are sexually desired, but somehow, you can ‘feel like a man’ if you desert your kids and break their hearts?
      What about doing your duty in life? I am appalled at the immaturity and selfishness I am seeing here. OK, it hurts a lot to not get sex. But to place your ‘validation’ and need for adoration or whatever, above the lives of the children you have made: to advise other men to use their finances to walk out on their family and find another woman, with no thought of the agony you will cause..unbelievable!
      You had kids. You made them. And this is what comes with Western style. You should have a world of women to help you, but in the West, women do it all alone and they are worn out. And then the husband turns round and lays guilt on them: what about my dick??? whine….
      How about the woman’s need for connection and stuff? Maybe she would like a cuddle but she doesnt do it because you will instantly turn it into sex. Perhaps if you just cuddled your wives and made THEM feel loved..I see no sign you are loving them.

      1. James

        Fiona why does every sex feel they do it all? Men feel they do it all. Women feel they do it all. I’m 21 and everyone’s selfishness digusts me. I truly thought marrisge was a partnership. Each part with a different role, but both very necessary. I come from a home of divorcees and the shit still makes no sense.
        Men do their part and eomsn should feel good appreciate it and make her man feel good about what he does, if that means sex so be it.
        Woman do their part and men should appreciate it and make their woman feel good about what she does.
        Mutualistic agreement to share an existence and work to happiness through communication and hsrd work
        But men get sexually needy and women become communicatively numb. We are all missing something and expect to get without giving. If you give, who sre you giving for? Yourself, to make you look like the righteous one in the family? For your kids because they are the most important?
        Newsflash Fiona, the only thing thst makes a marriage is a husband and a wife, despite recent attempts at changing that. Those are the only two components that matter in marriage. The kids are supposed to be the product of a healthy marriage.

      2. Richard


        I first found myself utterly pissed at your post. But then, I’ll admit, I realized it was just another example of how different men and women are. Please, try to understand that the very needs of some (perhaps most) women are the same as men. They just play out differently. The need to feel listened to is the same as the need to feel desired. The need to be supported is the same as the need be loved physically. You or others can describe a different, more ideal world where men aren’t wired this way, but please my dear don’t criticize the very real feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and depression that are preventing us from carrying out the very love we feel for our brides. I’d accept criticism for an inability to be strong enough to push through the pain, but know that’s a little bit like bombarding the fella who can only lift 250 lbs. for not being able to lift 350. The clear theme here is that some men are depressed because of the realities they live in – and feel stuck because of their beloved children. The fact that they are feeling stuck is an acknowledgment to the responsibility we all feel to our kiddos, and frankly to the loves of our lives – our wives. I won’t go so far as to compare this “neglect” to a battered women syndrome as they are clearly different. For sure, they are different! But, with a lack of a different analogy, it’s like being abused (I don’t think anyone is claiming it’s intentional, I’m certainly not). In any event, I wish all you posters well, men and women, young and more mature, we are here on earth to be happy through the challenges of life, not always easy for sure. For the record, and for context, I too am married and suffering, either because I’m big wimp and can’t get my own shit together or because my wife is also struggling in life and has an empty tank, with little to give. We just celebrated our 18th anniversary, highlighted by me getting flowers and a card and choosing a restaurant to at least enjoy dinner together. It ended in a fight before we ever got to the restaurant and we returned home. I slept on the couch. Very sad. We have three beautiful, talented, and driven daughters. We live in a nice neighborhood, and enjoy a way above average income. And yet, I’m responding to internet posts about men who aren’t happy because of a lack of intimacy…. Fiona, I’d buy you a cup of coffee if we lived near each other and hear you out. I bet you’re a lovely lady with a killer instinct and a dynamic personality. I bet your quite feisty, just like my wife. Please take care all, and know that none of us, no matter what, are alone.

      3. byebye

        Thank you Fiona. This made my options clear. Divorce is not the answer, I love my kids to much. Living like this with no affection being used as the money provider is also not an option. So on my birthday I’ll turn 42, the perfect age to check out (my interpretation of Douglas Adams), and I will put a bag over my head, fill it with helium and within 5 minutes everything will be ok again. Thanks Fiona, I’ve been trying to find the reason to commit to my plan and your post has shown me that I have no other option.

      4. Bayz

        If more western women asked their partners if they want to be fathers, less western women would have to raise their kids alone. Food for thought.

  15. about to give up wife

    Well, this has been my never ending fight with my husband for the past 8 years right after our first little one came along, we fight over many things but they all revolve around sex. I’ve given up, and i think he has too. we have been married for 10 years have 3 beautiful boys, our story from the get go was non ordinary , long story short , met at 19 , met online, lived countries away, unexpectedly met and married within a year, we were crazy in love and although ppl warned me about his anger issues, “black sheep of the family” whatever i didn’t, didnt care then, dont care now, i love him too much that stuff is part of him, i aint perfect either, most of my friends arent even married or they live back home, i moved countries to be together, just liek he did to my hometown for a year, i have been living in his native land away from my family, that alone was a lot to bear as im extremly close to my family, and then after my first one came, he never helped!! i was a walking zombie, so yes i admit i did rejected him at times, i shouldnt have..as i never meant to hurt him like that but i guess i was just not in the mood, after a while he pretty much gave up, he says after years of rejection, after my million excuses, now mind you… we are not a sexless marriage, at that point we were prolly average 3/week , but he just wanted more………so he stop initiating anything, he doesnt come up to me, the man sits back and expects me to initiate sex at least 3-4 times a week, he’s a perfectionist and has attention to detail like no one else i know, im totally the opposite, im very laid back… most things i dont care for much, i dont get offended easily love to laugh at myself, very optimistic, overall happy person i guess, dont like confrontations and hes the oposite of that, loves confronations, bearly has friends, keeps to himself, he is a really good dad, he could be better, but i guess so could i at times be abetter mom. We too have talked about it many times in our marriage, i tried to be intimate more offten but then again im accept im not consistent, i slack off, and tehn we are back to now down to 1-2 times a week, thsi past month it was down to once a week every 2 weeks, last week i was initiating sex an dhe stopped me and said that its been too long, that its been years that i have made him feel like this he doesnt want to do it at all anymore, according to him, once a week you might aas well not have sex at all!!!. because i obviosuly dont undertand thats all he wants form me, but i tell him thats not all he wants, he wants sex and kids and house to be taken care for as well as i have a 50 hr a week job. we have tried so many times, and is just a vicious circle. I dont know what to do anymore, we have talked and cried, and he told me i destroyed him, that he is in a very dark place right now and doesnt care about anything, he said i should be ready and prepared, cause he couldnt care less, he said as he was crying that i made him not even care about his own children, he doesnt care what happens with teh house, his job, he might or might not get up tmrw, he might or might not show up , i said i dragged him along for years and i should have made myslef clear form the get go , that the only way he feels love is by been intimate, and Im i completly crazy by thinking he is asking for too much, my sex drive is fine, i dont mind having sex but he has been for years no help at all in our houselhold other than to pay the bills and have sex, hes never around, when he is he is pissed about god knows what now, i just wanted a marriage that was a teamwork, surronded by love , i tought love conquered all , and it just doesnt, i still love him to pieces and i can try really hard to make sure he gets laid 5 times a week i beleive would satisfy him, but how long will that last?.. again, full time job, no family or help around, he helps about 10% of the workload, 3 kids under 8. i dont think im beign an awful insanely treating u like crap all the time. I get that rejection hurts, i shoudlnt have done that back in the day, he has gone in a revenge spree since then, i wish we could work it out, i know we both love each other , i feel trapped, he’d deppresed beyond beleief, and im not sure wheter to walk away or just have sex like when we were 19 and completly disregard other duties such as cookin, cleaning , etc from now on :(

    1. Fiona Beswick

      What a son-of-a-bitch. You work 50 hours a week? and you do all the housework too? and he demands perfection? Gives you no teamwork and only wants sex…
      God there a lot of men like this on these forums. They really seem to think that this is what a woman is for. Sex. And to care for his babies and keep quiet. And then, not surprisingly, they dont get the sex..because they cannot even be bothered to treat their wives as human.
      I am so sorry for you..I know how awful it is to have a guy like this. But you are what, 29? Lots of time left..ignore the creatures who say women are finished at 30: no, you are finished with immature men. You have three lovely boys and the best times of your life ahead and best of all, you arent dependent on him for money, think how awful if you had no job!
      Take your youth and your money and your kids and get the hell out. He isnt going to change.
      You cant ‘disregard’ the household life. You have children. What kind of role model is he to his boys? When he treats the mother like a servant?

      1. W

        Fiona, you are the real bitch. You are typical of women who just don’t get it.

      2. James

        Are you bitter Fiona?
        Men want to feel appreciated and sex goes the farthest in shoe of this appreciation.
        The sad part is women get mad at men for demanding what they want, but at least we are forthcoming and are, for the most part, grateful once we have recieved
        Women are usually covert and quiet about their specific needs and desires, then they get mad once they are not met. Then once they are to the point, like frustration point, then they divulge a litany of high expections than one knew was desires by her. Then women get unappreciative after the guys tries to come through all because she had to divulge her desires.
        The observations in my sexless life tell me this: women are unsatisfied because they don’t want to work for it. They will work out of a “sense of duty”. Sense of duty to the kids, to the husband, to the parents. But they feel thst their happiness is dependent on a top socialite malesweeping them away in excitementvand lust or a inferior beta male magically knowing their desires and spontaneously fulfilling them.

    2. James

      Love does not fix all if its not both ways.
      If he demands perfection, demand it from him.
      If he is not trying to help out more, if he’s always pissed then he may not have love, but lust.
      If all he wants is sex from you it probably comes from feelings of inadequacy and lack of love from before you two met.
      Hurt people cannot be healed from sex. You might have been doomed from the beginning. Your marriage probably needs counceling. His crying with you is a prime example of his past hurt arising because a lack of sex doesn’t make a man cry, only whine.

  16. about to give up wife

    Thanks a lot for your responses, for even taking the time to read my long story, wanted to come back and update you on my situation. It’s been a month since my life drastically changed, i dont know how long this will last but im enjoying every minute of it. After i posted this we were at a breaking point as i mentioned, after i posted this we probably spend every day for a week talking for 4-6 hrs at a time about our lives, when did things go wrong?, every day i went to sleep at 2-3am cause the conversations were taking hrs, but the talking and letting it all out helped a lot, helped him, helped me. I wasn’t ready to give up yet. Yes Fiona i hear you because i have felt like that many many many times. I have been many times ready to pack my shit, kids and go to my hometown .When i was yonger it always stuck with me one time my mother told me, as one good family friends couple was about to get a divorce and some women within my mom’s circle where bitching about the soon to be ex-husband, she said.. well , always remember that when theres a divorce very rare cases is only 1 person fault, most of the time, the blame is on both because both of them either started or stopped doing something they werent before. this always stuck with me, and after basicaly a week of talking to my husband i realized how distant we had become , for yeaaars, we are basically roomates that have children. Yes, i always have though it was the sex and made me feel like a sex object instead of a person, however i have come to realized is the intimacy, is not just the sex, is the waking up together, lying there naked, the hugs, the kisses, the holding hands, eveything we were not doing as we have like many couples taken each other for granted, and life, jobs and kids took over. Well, i told myself i was really gonna commit this time and not slack off. yes, its only been a month, and i hope to update this forum in 6 months from now, but what i can tell you is that my husband has turned into the man i fell in love with, attentive, caring, helpful, just the man i met over 10 years ago that after our first child kinda went on hiding. What has this month been like?.. HEAVEN! … what did i do?.. I just gave him what he said he wasnt getting …INTIMACY!… we have probably have sex every single day for a whole month , sometimes even twice, 3 times a day … and let me tell you what has happened… in a month i havent done the laundry once! most of the chores at home he either helps without me askin or he just takes care of it himslef, i have come home after work and be surprised by a bubble bath ready to soak myslef in, while he makes dinner and takes care of the boys, even sometimes when i try to help he asks me to sit down and relax… what does his helping and caring and affection does to me? it turns me on of coursee!, and im not over exhausted from all the housework so i feel i cant wait to have sex with my husband , we started texting each other every day (we stoped talking to each other during the day because we are at work, n i thought that was normal) now i feel like we were soo distant and we are getting closer and closer every day. Yes, as mentioned he is still very hurt and sex and talking wont make it go away but defenitly helps, his and mine we are both hurt by years of endless rejection, being selfish, spitefull, careless, and many other things i wont bore u with. This is a long term commitment and it will take a long time before he is fine and not depressed anymore i know that, but the thought that im one of the main reasons why my soul mate/best friend/lover/husband is extremly hurt and in pain is partly because of me kills me. I never meant for our marriage to get to this point, almost to the point of no return. He says all the time he has looked “pissed” he wasn’t necesarly pissed, but hurt, and saw no point of coming home early, this whole month hes moslty here before i even get home :), and i feel thats because now he feels he is appreciate it and instead of bitching and fighting we are actually enjoying each others company like we used to. Once again, its kinda early to get super excited and tell you all , we are all happy everything is rainbows and stuff because lets admit it shit happens, and i know it will never be all rainbows and nice but im soooo happy right now, i dont feel teh sex to be a duty, as i said my sex drive is fine, i enjoy it a lot , honeslty i know for a fact the more i do it, the more i wanna do it offten, because the closer i feel to him, the more i love him, the better our relationship is as a whole.I have done this before and given him all my affection, but then after 5 days i slack off and before i know we are back to where we were, but this time, i wont let that happen because i know it works and if all it takes for my man to be the happiest he can be is by getting laid every single time he feels like that to me is a no brainer, yes, easier said than done just cause our busy lives, but im done taking him for granted, im done with all this other shit in my life taking over, boys of course will always be there and deserve my attention but i cant ignore him anymore, i cant keep pretending everything is fine. I’m tired of beign the victim, i needed a change and that was either walk away or really make this work.. and so far so good….if this doesnt work nothing will…

  17. john smith

    i’am 30 year old I will kill my self son cause no girl I like to have want sex whit me and it to late now to have all the sex I wanted , last try I did was crlist I was on that for more than 1 year and send over 5000 mail, all I have to say is fuck you to all woman and I hope you all suffer as much I did you don’t deserve any mercy or compassion just like you did to me

  18. Vick

    Woman here. This isn’t just a problem that men have. There are women out there that want to have tons of sex all of the time. Unfortunately, some men and women don’t. Also, other problems in the marriage may cause a woman to feel as if she doesn’t want to have sex. I am married with kids and my husband never wants to have sex. I have been depressed about it for years. I’ve had serious talks about leaving him. Listen men, we do exist. I am a stay-at-home mom who cooks, cleans, runs errands, and I also WORK. I’m tired as hell, stressed, and I still want to screw my husband at the end of the day. I wouldn’t even mind being woken up to his d**k in my face. But, he has little interest. Sucks. I can only give this advice. You will NEVER get what you are looking for in your marriage. You’ll get scraps, they’ll try, you’ll feel resentment, etc. You must either find a way to be happy without the sex, go to counseling, find a lover, or just get a divorce. There is someone out there for you with a matched sex drive. Life is too short to feel like you are worthless because your partner won’t fill a BASIC need. For me, I stay for the kids. I love my husband, I do. He’s a good guy. He just has low testosterone and doesn’t desire sex that much. I’ll possibly have a lover someday. I should feel happy too, but for now, I’ll do my best to give him a chance.

    1. Bayz

      The problem isn’t that women don’t want to have sex. The problem is that they don’t want to have it with their husbands, and since divorce courts are in your favor, men are screwed. Women can cheat just fine, she is simpky expressing her sexual freedom, but guys? If a guy cheats then he is scum, fuck his needs right?

  19. steve

    I’ve been married for 27 years – 2 boys 25 & 19 out of the house. My wife has been on antidepressants for 20 + years up until Feb of this year. When she finally got off after me begging and a near mental breakdown from the drugs losing their efficacy. Prozac type drugs kill sex drive. They don’t even know about the long term results. She may never get a normal libido back. I started tracking our sex life 3 years ago. We’ve had sex just 27 times in 3 years. It really takes a toll being rejected over and over. I have stayed faithful, I have to whack off quite a bit or I’d go crazy. Women don’t understand, Fiona included. What if you had no control over when you could eat. You need to eat to live, your wife has the food. She could give it at any time, she even knows you need it. But one day she’s too tired, one day she has a headache, one day it’s not tonight because I have to work in the morning, I need to take a nap – no a backrub is just a backrub. it goes on and on. What’s worse is there is nothing You can do to talk your way into it. Asking for it outright is a total mistake, You get the that’s not romantic speech. You’ve tried cleaning the house, fixing things, dinner movie flowers. Doesn’t matter – nothing works. then maybe once in a blue moon – she say’s, “Oh did you want something to eat?” Well come on then, I guess I can make you some Oatmeal – but no sugar. See I feed you… That’s how you feel, No control over your situation. The other day one of her friends husband’s name turned up on the Ashley Madison Client list. My wife thanked me for not finding my name on there, I guess she was looking for it. But even after that I got no thank you sex. I don’t have any answers, just that analogy about the food. So wives how long do you expect your husband to starve before he finally breaks? I’d be thrilled with sex once every week or two. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

  20. scott

    I’ve been married for 14 years, with 11 of those years essentially being sexless (I can count on one hand how many times during those years). My wife can’t tell me why she’s not interested and doesn’t care enough to see a doctor or to go to counseling with me. She apparently doesn’t need it and is too busy with our kids to be getting any on the side. I feel trapped, I don’t want a divorce and to leave my kids (it would kill us financially – plus the guy always gets the shaft)…however I can’t live like this any longer. I’m in my 40’s and don’t have any close friends to commiserate with. Counseling is too expensive, I did it for a while and my wife complained about the cost. I just want to feel like someone loves me – because my wife doesn’t appear to. She’s not mean, just cold – no feelings. We do our separate things around the house – our commonality is the kids and their activities. I’ve tried organizing date nights but she would rather go out with her friends. I’ve seriously thought about suicide, but then I look at my kids and I just can’t…I can’t take the rejection any longer. If I had known marriage would be like this then I never would have taken the plunge…

    1. kim

      hi scott, damn guy your story like most stories here are shockingly like what my husband swears 90% of married men feel like, it took me a lot, about 15 years to understand my husband needs, we now do it pretty much all the time..yes im not always in the mood, but cause its been pretty clear how important this is to him i put myslef in the mood if i have to. hes told me a few times same that you said (btw he is brutally honest and from the get go has been pretty clear about how he feels ) he said after a few years that if men knew what was in store they probably wouldnt marry , i found that extremly harsh at that time, as i felt like an object. what about everything else that comes with marriage? companionship, dreams and most important the kids!! what about the kids?? well,, this is what happened with me and most of my friends. As a mom i can tell you kids take over our lives we dont even realize how much we are little by little neglectign our husbands we think they feel just how we feel, its all about the kids.. and its not.. kids are part of it and we tend to forget that as women (in the case of a average high libido guy and a not so high libido woman) but thi is why we laugh and its a never ending thing that “men are form mars and women from venus” this is exacly why cause we think completly different, we cant help it, thats nature! or God or whatever you believe… we cant change that… what we can do is understand that this is a FACT and work around it,.. i cant for the life of me undertand my husband in soooo many things, so i have learned to not even bother just accept thats how he feels and act accordingly. hang in there scott and ll men here, most women dont do it n purpose, our bodies work misterious ways after kids come along… ur being a great man by standing by ur family after all and looking beyond sex.. i know my guy, sadly he wouldnt ..who knows maybe ur wife has a wake up call.. but you def need to keep streesing out how important this is for you, if you think she still loves you, she will get it and she will try to make you happier, best of luck!!!

  21. Steve

    Women don’t love men, and are only interested in securing resources from men. Once a woman feels she has got a guy locked down, and this is not hard to do when you live in a society where divorce courts routinely ass-rape men and favor women, the sex stops. By any other standard, this would be considered fraud and breach of contract, but the courts allow this sort of thing to carry on because it makes money for lawyers and keeps judges employed.

    Part of the reason why the sex stops is the woman initially gives it to secure resources, and usually she finds that in order to secure those resources in the first place, she had to make a Faustian bargain – that is, accept a man she isn’t attracted to, because she knows her chances of grabbing an alpha male are slim to non-existent. Her husband eventually becomes someone who continually reminds her that she had to settle, and because of her anger over that, she punishes him by witholding sex, even though he didn’t cause the problem in the first place.

    If we returned to fault-based divorce, a lot of women wouldn’t be able to pull this sort of scam anymore.

  22. Vick

    That is the mists asinine thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Been burnt much? Who was she?

    Coming from a woman who wrote the comment above regarding wanting sex and not getting it from her husband. News flash, man that lives in cave. This problem affects woman too. This day and age I can secure my own resources as I do every day as a working mother of two who also stays at home full time. I also do all of the housework and cook if you can believe that too because I LOVE my husband. I pay my own credit credit card. Welcome to the 21st century, where women make bank, have kids, and LOVE to fuck.

    1. Thomas

      Hi Vick, and sorry to hear about your situation! I admire that way you deal with it so far and hope that things change, or that you eventually find a better path. Either way, you present your situation with compassion along with the pain. I’ve been in this sort of situation in a few periods of my life, during some of which the pain was too strong and all I could think of was how and when to commit suicide without hurting my kids. Life does get better, though sometimes only through some action to change it. Anyway, thanks for your input, and for your admirable compassion, and also for reacting to the blame and misogyny that some of the posters here have demonstrated. Sure, it all hurts like hell, and sure, it’s natural and sometimes even fair to feel resentment, but that’s no excuse to blame or hate anyone, let alone a whole group of people. Trying to see things from others’ point of view, using just a bit of empathy, could not only help your partner (or those who reject you); it could open up some communication, create a connection, help your own pain, and who knows? Maybe even lead to some sex. Hating women and dreaming about shooting people are pretty disturbing reactions, regardless of how much it all hurts. Sometimes we can improve our own chances, and going to see someone professional about that hate and those dreams can only be recommended.
      PS: After 4-5 years of constant and suicide-driving pain from sex rejection via my wife and then ex-wife, I found a girlfriend with whom she and I have had the most fun and awe-inspiringly great sex, stuff that I’ve never heard of anyone describing before. You never know what’s around the corner… on balance, probably more pain than gain, haha, but the gain is sometimes worth it 😉

  23. Nelson

    We got married 4 months back and she refuses sex, i am disturbed and frustrated. she says it is painful. i asked her to see the doctor but she is not ready . i m frustrated.

  24. Clayton

    Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve been an unwilling, married celebrate for five years now and her going to counseling has had no effect. Just good to know I’m not alone.

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