I love the term “Hump”! It’s so Junior High, much like my sense of humor, so I’ll be using it in this post. And, as they say, today is “hump day”. Anyways…
First off, I’m guessing most men have the “wife goggles” on and no matter how much she’s shlubbed it up or put on weight they still find her attractive and want to have sex with her early and often. If she’s put on so much weight she’s not attractive to you anymore, you probably need to look in the mirror first since rarely does one person let themselves go while the other doesn’t (though it does happen). So let’s assume you, as husband, still find your wife sexy. She get’s dolled up for work or out with friends, but once home it’s like Cinderalla where she goes back to ragged clothes and a non-sexy being. What’s the deal, right?
It comes down to two things. First and foremost is attraction. Perhaps she’s shlubbing it up after getting home but you still have a great sex life. That may be acceptable, so then it goes on to my second point: Communication (Tomorrow’s Topic). But let’s assume that you aren’t having the amount of sex you want. She’s not feeling as attracted to you as she could and that’s the biggest problem. Are you the leader of the house? Do you have a flirty vibe with your wife, filled with butt slaps and sexual innuendo? Do you perform mental foreplay throughout the day? Do you have a solid foundation for which to perform these things, by that I mean are you the best version of yourself that you can be? If the answers to those are no, then you have some work to do before you can have more humping with your sexy wife.
You need to work on yourself first, and the rest will fall into place with a little effort. Eat better, lift weights, read more books, take up a new hobby, this all goes to being a better version of you. Don’t have any expectations that it will lead to anything, just do it because it’s the right thing to do. If you haven’t been to the gym in years, and start going all of a sudden (and stick with it) don’t be surprised if your wife all of a sudden has a gym kick too. And make it a priority with a “No Excuse” policy. Yeah, we’re all busy, some of us have kids, etc. but you can usually get up earlier, go to bed earlier or sneak in a lunch walk, run, or push-ups at least as you start your journey. Be consistent, punch the clock and you’ll see results.
You can wait until you see progress to progress further, but you can also start step two in conjunction with it. This is being the family Leader and changing the relationship dynamic with your wife. You don’t garner respect or attraction from your wife if she sees you as another dependent, so you need to take control of the family. If you split driving duties when together as a family, change that and insist that as the Leader you are always the driver unless there’s extenuating circumstances. Stop asking her for permission to do things, instead coordinate schedules and simply do what you want to do (remember the new hobby/gym thing above?). Stop playing the “where do you want to go/what do you want to do?” ping-pong game and tell her where you’re going, what you’re doing, what she should wear. Be a man and pick up after yourself, put away your dishes and stop acting like a messy child and act like an adult who needs no instruction to put their dirty socks in the hamper. Change the dynamic so you are the one making the calls where appropriate.
Those two things alone will start to change the dynamic. Thirdly, be CONFIDENT. Chin up, look people in the eye, positive thinking that you are “The Man” and start chatting up everyone, men, women, dogs, cashiers, waitresses, teachers, etc. This change in attitude will bring a new vibe to who you are and your wife will be thinking “what’s gotten into him? Does he have something on the side I should be worried about?” That spring in your step and changes to who you are will be the foundation for her respecting you more, looking up to you and eventually more sex.
Finally, the second part as mentioned above to get your wife to be more sexy around you is simply communication. If you don’t say anything about her sweatpants and slug shirts, she’s going to think it’s ok. Instead tell her that you’d like to buy her some sexy yet comfortable lounging clothes and shop together somewhere for them. Holly has particular tastes and my attempts at this without her input usually result in sexy pajamas or lingerie that never see the light of day. When we do it together, she usually picks things that I don’t necessarily think are super sexy but she wears all the time and are still a huge improvement over hobo-pajamas so this compromise is something that is still a big improvement. Also, communicate the fact that you find her incredibly attractive and you can’t help yourself in the matter of wanting to hump her and that you will be doing what you can to do so. Make it a statement more than a request. You can’t logic your way to attraction, and it’s not attractive to covertly try and butter her up at bed time. Instead, overtly be sexual, slap that ass and pin her against the wall for a sexy kiss from time to time. Before dinner, say how horny you are and you can’t wait for the kids to go to bed so you can share some sexy quality time with her. Turn the TV off early (as Ned’s Atomic Dustbin said: Kill Your Television, sucks the life out of relationships and life in many instances) and lead. This won’t happen overnight, but fight through all the shit tests and hurdles that will be thrown at you, especially at first, and you’ll eventually get there. This isn’t an overnight thing, so don’t be discouraged, maintain composure and try to stay positive. If she rebuffs your advances, stay cool and positive and go on to something else that you’d like to do. Don’t pout or be mad, or she’ll feel pressured about it and you’ll end up in a negative cycle, I’ve been there and taken my lumps here. As they say, be outcome independent, focus on yourself first and don’t focus so hard on the sex and the sex will come… sort of a zen Buddha parable. Let her mind spin about your changes and hopefully eventually you’ll get there.
In my own case: it’s no secret I still have the hots for my wife and find her incredibly sexy. We went out with some friends last weekend and she wore these black leather-type pants that were :WOW: and I couldn’t help but explain my reaction to those pants to my friends as she’s just hawt. Earlier that same week, she got hit on (big surprise, I’m sure it happens more often than I hear about) by some guy in line at a to-go lunch place. He literally bumped into her and said: “Excuse me… Actually, it’s my PLEASURE to bump into you” or something like that. Nice ego bump for Holly, but have a feeling just because she doesn’t get hit on so overtly, she’s constantly being checked out…such is the fate of attractive women. But I digress…
So we have a really good relationship, and it’s because we’re happy and confident in who we are individually. This individual structure is the foundation then for being happy and connecting as a couple. Since there are no structural deficiencies in ourselves individually, we are now afforded the opportunity to focus more of our attention on the relationship as a whole. I’ve made those changes mentioned above (and Holly has made her own changes and her self-image and confidence is very high) and while there’s always improvement to be made individually and as a couple, we’ve gotten into a groove that really makes the stars sparkle and causes the heart to lift. I’m hoping to shop for some newly sexy things for her one of these days, and that she’ll feel even sexier about herself, but the baseline has shifted to a place where I think we’re both pretty happy with things. I feel though that we’re on the verge of another breakthrough that will change the baseline again.
That’s one thing I’ve seen as I’ve gotten into semi-competitive lifting with tracking of lifts and actual programming. You never see huge improvements, you see micro-improvements over time and when you look back it’s like: “Holy shit, I’m a lot stronger than I used to be!”. Same with marriage and individual improvements, you look back and say: “Holy shit, I’m a lot better than before, my wife is too, and we’re having way more and hotter sex than before!” even if you don’t appreciate the micro-changes as they’re occurring. The other thing is busting through plateaus. I don’t know how many times I struggled with hitting some weight number of a lift that I could not bust through. I’d change my approach, work on some other supporting lifts and take a different vantage point and the next time I tried it, I’d bust through by a huge margin. Sometimes that’s what we need to do, and what I feel is about to happen in my marriage again soon… I can just feel it around the corner just busting at the seams waiting to be released.
I’ve been blessed to learn about this stuff as a relatively young man, but have worked hard to make this happen. My wife and I are sexier, we hump more, and I hope you too can find the path to make this happen in your own life. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s grinding, but consistency and effort and love can improve your life. So be patient and have positive attitude through the ups and downs and eventually, if it’s meant to be and you’re with someone who’s worth being with, you’ll get there. Good luck!