I’m a numbers and statistics guy. Perceptions and memory can be molded to support the conclusions you want to reach and aren’t always accurate. When I had a dull dissatisfaction with our sex life earlier in our marriage, I certainly kept a mental tally of how frequently we did it, and my wife’s perception of that same mental tally varied significantly from mine. One dry spell we had lasted three or four weeks, and Holly thought we “had just done it, what? Last week maybe?”…uh no.
So I thought I’d keep track using an app (My Days) to see how much married sex we are actually having in an “average” year, and if there are any interesting stats that could be discerned. I will say a couple of things on this. There really is no “average” year when you have kids. It seems there is always something comes up in the year that impacts positive vibes. Three years ago (pre-Red Pill), beta living and no goals, I was sort of floundering. I had also switched jobs, and these things compounded into a weak place to be for a great marriage or sex life. Two years ago Holly switched jobs to a newish industry with much more travel involved, I had just taken the Red Pill, Holly’s dad was dealing with cancer, and we dealt with stresses of selling a home, buying a home, moving and changing kids’ schools. Last year both our dogs died, within a week of each other, Holly went off her hormonal IUD, started a new job (mucho travel) and I got a vasectomy. This year Holly lost her job, found a new job that also takes her away from home, I was in the hospital for a week, spent a lot more time traveling and I think we are/were both dealing with some depression-type symptoms. Something will come up that derails things. You just roll through those and try to stay positive. I should note that these pale in comparison to Ian Underwood’s adventures in 2013 …WOW!
In general, I would say our sex life is very satisfying and has been on an upward trend for three years. We’ve had a number of memorable hot sex sessions in 2013 and quality and engagement are usually good. Some of the biggest challenges facing us from having more or hotter sex is as follows:
- Physical and mental fatigue from busy lives – We’re both awake by around 5:15 many days to get a workout in around our family life, since that is a personal and marital priority to look good to each other. We both work 40+ hours a week, with other obligations. We’re just flat out beat a lot of days, and the short time we have together at night after the kids go to sleep burns up quickly.
- Travel – We’re settling into a routine where between the two of us, we’re probably not at home 1.5 days out of every week. That’s nearly 12% less time in a week where we don’t get to see each other. I’m sure this is an issue for couples where travel is a big part of work responsibilities.
- Mental issues – darkness, depression and anxiety (for both of us to some degree at various times) tend to draw us into our own minds more and is a libido killer.
- Miscellaneous – Holly’s libido isn’t especially high, or perhaps her attraction for me isn’t as high as it needs to be to reflect a high libido. I need to continue to work on both keeping structural areas (physical appearance) high, as well as being more of the cocky-funny confident dude that runs the ship. I have improved, and have the Beta comfort and family leader thing down well, but still need to improve in a number of Alpha areas and stay attentive to those. I am also struggling to find my “mission” in life, though often feel what I’m doing here, on this blog and writing, is getting close to that. Finally, I need more guy/masculine interaction and hobbies to absorb more masculine energy and personal fulfillment.
So here’s what you’ve been waiting for: the cold hard numbers. From January 7, 2013 to January 6, 2014 (52 weeks), with a week defined as starting Monday and ending Sunday.
- Had PiV sex 77 times (I didn’t track extracurriculars, which would have raised this up maybe 10%)
- Day most likely to do it: Sunday (19)
- Second highest day: Friday (12) and Saturday (13)
- Least likely day: Thursday (5)
- Weeks we didn’t have sex: 4
- Weeks we had sex once: 22
- Weeks we had sex twice: 23
- Weeks we had sex three days (or more): 3
- Most months had sex 6 times, shark week being the worst
- High month was January (’13 plus the few days in ’14): 8
- Low month was October: 5
The four weeks we didn’t have sex were for various reasons: three weeks where between my wife or I there was much traveling most of the week and during the weekend was sick, or we ended up heading out of town for events and sharing a hotel room with friends; and one week that started as shark week and ended with me in the hospital.
With my previously established average sexual frequency in my age group (30-49) from Kinsey Institute data of 1.0 time per week frequency, we’re doing 50% better than average (coming in at about 1.5 times per week for the full year). The numbers show that in the last year, we had some sort of sexual contact, on average, once every 4 days or so. My general assumption was that most weeks we had sex twice, which is true. But I was surprised at how close the frequency was to only once a week. I wonder how my previous assessment, in another marital day and age when I thought most weeks we would do it on average once a week, would really hold up with data. Would it have been a similar overestimation? Is that something you out there see too?
More importantly than these numbers themselves, is the improvement in connection, expectations and structure in our marriage that was previously problematic. As we’ve seen marriages of friends or siblings crumble, we’ve seen sex is the canary in the coal mine – one of the first signs things are in danger. My wife and I are fine and doing the best we can given our life circumstances. Is there room for improvement? Absolutely. On my part and on hers, but at least it’s a topic that is always on the table and not taboo or offensive anymore. We’re slowly getting to a place we want to be, and hope 2014 is even better in a lot of ways. Hopefully you all are too. I thought some of you may find these results interesting to glimpse some real numbers from an “average” couple trying to improve and do their best to keep the marital fires stoked despite the wet blanket that life can sometimes be.