This is a common discussion point in the ‘sphere, one I’ve even written about and one beaten to death if you open your eyes. M3 did a most powerful post on this last year with his Confessions of a Reformed Incel (involuntary celibacy . For most men this is what it boils down to from his post:
- It’s not just about ‘sex’. (well, for me anyways)
It’s about the connection sex implies. Of being wanted, desired, to be loved both mentally and physically, to be validated, to share, to connect, feel alive, be human.
His post breaks this down to the point that the lack of this basic need led him to be suicidal. He’s a single guy, but the need for affection and, yes, sex is something that is born in our very DNA. Single, gay, married, straight… we need this bond, especially with someone who we love, to feel like a man. When it doesn’t occur, or occurs only enough to keep the marital hounds at bay, it haunts us and becomes a depressing focal point for a depressing life. For men, there’s sometimes only a pencil thin line separating love and sex. Sex is both a biological need and a way for us to express our love. If we don’t have sex with our lives, the love we feel starts to erode. Sometimes men can deal with the scraps they’re given, but even if they do, resentment can build and eat away like a cancer.
If you check out MMSL Forums, they are filled with men and women in various stages of improving their sex life. Some are dealing with a Hail Mary attempt to turn around a sexless marriage and avoid divorce, some are simply trying to keep the magic alive, some are up to their eyeballs in marital :FAIL: (911 sub-forum).
What brought me back around to write about this [AGAIN] was follow-on from a previous one I did, a linkage to How to Be a Dad’s Why Won’t My Wife Have Sex with Me. The comments from the public following that article run the gambit of good advice to bad advice, but one of the latest comments (which continue to be written by men and women who are just stumbling upon his post) showed again how fragile a man’s psyche is when the person he loves doesn’t realize the damage that can be done by refusing sex (I took the liberty of fixing some typos):
As someone who didn’t have sex during the pregnancy, and still haven’t almost a year since the birth of our son now. I would say the best thing for a neglected husband to do is either, get a mistress, get a divorce or put it to your wife plainly that you need attention as you can’t go on like this.
I love my wife very much but realize my mental health is at stake. I’ve already considered suicide, lost my job and found a new one due to depression and separate rooms, and no sex is making me feel worthless. What’s the point kind of thing. I’m giving the marriage until Summer with some serious talks. Life is too short for us to live like this.
I could pan for further “gold” throughout various other posts or forums (No More Mr. Nice Guy, TalkAboutMarriage, etc.) but you get the point. People, mostly men but some women, are dying to figure out how things that started out so promising (perhaps) is now so depressing and influencing their ability to be happy.
My secret goal of revisiting this topic is one of simply the hope that someone that is drowning in marriage or life because of this issue stumbles upon this post and realizes they aren’t alone… that many people struggle with this same issue. And maybe, just maybe, a woman or three may have their eye’s open up to what saying “no” really does to their husband in the long run. While I certainly don’t have the answers (or at least not many), a number of my links are useful in self reflection and perhaps digging a useful nugget from the litterbox of advice out there.