Not having sex makes men depressed, suicidal

This is a common discussion point in the ‘sphere, one I’ve even written about and one beaten to death if you open your eyes.  M3 did a most powerful post on this last year with his Confessions of a Reformed Incel (involuntary celibacy . For most men this is what it boils down to from his post:

  • It’s not just about ‘sex’. (well, for me anyways)

It’s about the connection sex implies. Of being wanted, desired, to be loved both mentally and physically, to be validated, to share, to connect, feel alive, be human.

His post breaks this down to the point that the lack of this basic need led him to be suicidal.  He’s a single guy, but the need for affection and, yes, sex is something that is born in our very DNA.  Single, gay, married, straight… we need this bond, especially with someone who we love, to feel like a man.  When it doesn’t occur, or occurs only enough to keep the marital hounds at bay, it haunts us and becomes a depressing focal point for a depressing life.  For men, there’s sometimes only a pencil thin line separating love and sex.  Sex is both a biological need and a way for us to express our love.  If we don’t have sex with our lives, the love we feel starts to erode.  Sometimes men can deal with the scraps they’re given, but even if they do, resentment can build and eat away like a cancer.

If you check out MMSL Forums, they are filled with men and women in various stages of improving their sex life.  Some are dealing with a Hail Mary attempt to turn around a sexless marriage and avoid divorce, some are simply trying to keep the magic alive, some are up to their eyeballs in marital :FAIL: (911 sub-forum).

What brought me back around to write about this [AGAIN] was follow-on from a previous one I did, a linkage to How to Be a Dad’s Why Won’t My Wife Have Sex with Me.  The comments from the public following that article run the gambit of good advice to bad advice, but one of the latest comments (which continue to be written by men and women who are just stumbling upon his post) showed again how fragile a man’s psyche is when the person he loves doesn’t realize the damage that can be done by refusing sex (I took the liberty of fixing some typos):

As someone who didn’t have sex during the pregnancy, and still haven’t almost a year since the birth of our son now. I would say the best thing for a neglected husband to do is either, get a mistress, get a divorce or put it to your wife plainly that you need attention as you can’t go on like this.

I love my wife very much but realize my mental health is at stake. I’ve already considered suicide, lost my job and found a new one due to depression and separate rooms, and no sex is making me feel worthless. What’s the point kind of thing. I’m giving the marriage until Summer with some serious talks. Life is too short for us to live like this.

I could pan for further “gold” throughout various other posts or forums (No More Mr. Nice Guy, TalkAboutMarriage, etc.) but you get the point.  People, mostly men but some women, are dying to figure out how things that started out so promising (perhaps) is now so depressing and influencing their ability to be happy.

My secret goal of revisiting this topic is one of simply the hope that someone that is drowning in marriage or life because of this issue stumbles upon this post and realizes they aren’t alone… that many people struggle with this same issue.  And maybe, just maybe, a woman or three may have their eye’s open up to what saying “no” really does to their husband in the long run.  While I certainly don’t have the answers (or at least not many), a number of my links are useful in self reflection and perhaps digging a useful nugget from the litterbox of advice out there.

24 responses to “Not having sex makes men depressed, suicidal

  1. In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly, there are a couple of quotes from men responding to women who are concerned/convinced that men are looking at their flaws (like back fat, or whatever else) during sex, and thus preventing them from being vulnerable and having said sex. These words made a huge difference in how I think about rejecting my husband’s advances.
    One young guy said: “Stop making up all of this stuff about what we’re thinking. What we’re really thinking is ‘Do you love me? Do you care about me? Do you want me? Am I important to you? Am I good enough?’ That’s what we’re thinking. When it comes to sex, it feels like our life is on the line, and you’re worried about that crap?”
    A middle aged man said: “When you want to be with us… in that way… it makes us feel more worthy. We stand a little taller. Believe in ourselves more. I don’t know why but it’s true. And I’ve been married since I was 18. It still feels that way with my wife.”
    It never occurred to me that my husband was feeling that way, that my acceptance/rejection had so much power. I’m glad I learned differently.

    • Most excellent response and so true. We know you women aren’t perfect but in the heat of the moment, you’re perfect to us and we DO have complete tunnel vision. I’m glad you’ve seen what sort of power you can have and know to use it for good!

      I’ve just reserved that book from my library.

      • I’ll be interested to see how you work the stuff from Daring Greatly into Red Pill life. I worry you’ll find it all too Beta. But I’m glad you’re taking a look, I have found the lessons within it very powerful for me.
        I try to only use my powers for good these days. I hope I succeed. :)

  2. Wow. Men really are fucking pigs.

    • Do pigs love to have sex? If so men and women are both pigs. This is why men, women and pigs still exist.
      Women like sex too and for those that try to play it like otherwise, they are just dishonest pigs .

  3. My husband gets like this just after a few days without sex.. We both work a lot of hours and we work opposite shifts so we aren’t home at the same time for very long periods of time. Its almost as if he thinks we should be spending all the time we do have together, in the sack. When we are home at the same time there always seems to be so much other stuff that needs to be done that my brain is not focused on sex. On average we still make time for it 1-2x a week. However, if he goes 3+ days without, he acts & has made remarks thinking its been over a month. I get so annoyed with it being an ongoing argument that it messes with my “need” for it. Its gotten to the point where he literally gets into a funk & he comes up with millions of reasons he doesn’t think I love him. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  4. not sure what to do....

    married 20 years… sex has been maybe once a year if lucky for about 15 years now, wife has no interest at all. When it does happen, I just feel guilty, because I know she really didn’t want to. currently nearing 1.5 – 2 years without. yes, its more than just sex, its the connection, there is no more intimacy.. I won’t cheat… have kids so won’t divorce… I have not felt like a man in the last decade. …. no self confidence, …. I can’t take it any more…. to make matters worse, she is still absolutely stunning. It’s just a constant smack in the face.

    • For me it is coming upon 7 years since we’ve had sex. I’m only 53. I don’t know what to do. Cheating is not an option, for both emotional a well as practical reasons. I am after all lower middle income, not very handsome and not all that attracted to women besides my wife. ( Most women close to my age these days are so overweight! Does anyone exercise anymore?)
      I masturbate a lot. That’s all I have left. I do get hugs and non sexual kisses. She feels more like a sister or daughter to me everyday.

    • Man, do I understand you. I`m in the EXACT situation: 20 years with my wife, have kids, doing it once a year if lucky….I was browsing the web and found your comment. I`m glad I`m not alone (but i`m not glad for you).
      But you said you won`t cheat. I kind of disagree. Right now, I don`t have any opportunity, because I work alone as a self-employed, but I made a decision: If I get an opportunity, I won`t miss it. I once dated a girl and, at one point, wasn`t attracted to her anymore. So I was making it like once a week instead of everyday. Let met tell you, she didn`t wait 20 years; she dumped me without notice! Why should we accept this treatment? Move on my friend. When you love someone, you want his happiness, even if that means doing things you don`t feel like. Like most of us, guys, follow our lady for hours in shopping centers, although we hate it as hell. And she can`t give you back an hour our affection? No way, this is not love. This is abuse.

      • I feel guilty even to think of cheating my wife. We seldom have sex. I can understand her stress with kids, house chores and office work. I really try to be understanding. But I am a mere man in flesh who has this urge. I really feel lacking the ‘man’ I need to exert as the man of the family (i don’t mean domination over woman kind of thing). I really need help on this…

  5. What I’d really like to know is what is happening in my psyche and physiology that makes me so depressed when my wife doesn’t want to have any sex at all. She went from normal to nothing. I have a two year old and will not let him go through what I did in a broken family. But what is the answer when she won’t even touch me? I try to be helpul in the house, do the shopping, cook all the lunches ( I work very close to home) get the baby up every morning, and then work all day, then give her a massage every night of the week.

    My wife has no idea why she feels a reversion towards it.

    I just want to stop feeling depressed an get my happy self back again and don’t wnat my life destroyed through a lack of sex.

    I think at a fundamental level I need to get my self back again from some source other than her and feel like a man again, and maybe she will feel like being a woman again. Its certainly worth a try, what have i got to lose apart from carrying on in this way and getting increasingly depressed and less and less attarcative to my wife who wants a strong man, whichshe is unwittingly destroying.

  6. I’ve been married for the past 7 years. I work shifts including weekends and there are times, I don’ t see my wife for an entire week. We have sex once every 3 months. the last time was October.

    I understand my work is killing my sex life. We are growing further apart. I love my wife but I don’t know what to do. She once told me she does not find me attractive anymore. At the same breath I dont want to be in a sexless relationship, or be in it for the kids.

    I’m 36 yrs old an very depressed. Whenever I bring up the topic, she tries her best to avoid the conversation. cries and we also sleep in separate beds. She also does not want to seek professional help or counselling. I need advice… HELP

    • Jacob – I don’t remember if I replied to you off-line or not. Night shifts and weekend work is common in a lot of fields, and it is very difficult on families and individuals. Somehow you need to try and make the time you have in proximity with each other valuable. It’s an uphill climb if you can’t change your work situation, but it is not all a lost cause.

      Her telling you she’s not attracted to you is a big red flag. You need to immediately start some self improvement – eat better, find time to work out to look better, start acting like a leader in and outside of your family. Read Athol Kay’s books. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. You need to start changing how you live your life, and the funny thing is, when you do, she will likely come along. If not, you’ve improved yourself for the next Mrs. Jacob. We only live once, so if you try everything in your power to save the marriage and make it sexier and it doesn’t work, you shouldn’t have to suffer for the rest of your life. Again, educate yourself with the resources I mentioned and hopefully you can overcome the obstacles in your life. Good luck.

  7. I’m a healthy, average looking single, 30 year old male. I haven’t had any sexual conctact since 2005. Not even a BJ. I’ve had sporadic relationships here and there since the last time I had sex, but no sexual conduct. I’m going on 9 years WITHOUT SEX. I’ve made several attempts at having a connection with a woman/young lady & it always leads to the same thing-NO SEX. I’m not one to “rent” a woman since I feel it’s desperate, immoral, & illegal. I suffer from a few mental disorders like depression due to my lack of sex. I’ve wasted almost my whole 20s trying to get laid & it’s getting more difficult as I grow older. Women just are not interested in me, and I’m NOT interested in gay men. I’m basically asexual or involuntarily celebate (incel). I hate it. I should be a smooth, suave, sexy single guy yet I’m just a short, chubby shlubb living in the midwest with no goals or direction in life, due to my lack of sex. I hate women & the modern society which highly values sex as the final frontier in human connection.
    In 2007, I promised myself that if I did not have sex within 10 years of my last sexual encounter, then I will go on a mass murder spree, Virginia Tech style. I’ll be a one man army & take as many people out as possible. It’s a sad, horrid thought, yet this is what society has reduced me to. All I need is some sort of physical sexual contact between now and April, 2015. If it doesn’t happen, then I will execute my plan which I stated above.
    If you don’t want it happen, then all you have to do is suck my dick.Suck a dick to save some lives & prevent a massacre. That’s all. Nothing to it ladies. Suck a dick, save a life.

    • CJ: You need to get some professional help ASAP.

    • I see. So using a Hooker is illegal and wrong but mass murder is not.
      You are just a pathetic little. No woman in her right mind is going to go with a whining freak like you. You are about as dangerous as a wet paper bag. Stop trying to be scary and spen your time doing something with your life. And above all grow up and stop blaming others for your failures. Its all your fault.

    • I see. So using a Hooker is illegal and wrong but mass murder is not.
      You are just a pathetic little man. No woman in her right mind is going to go with a whining freak like you. You are about as dangerous as a wet paper bag. Stop trying to be scary and spen your time doing something with your life. And above all grow up and stop blaming others for your failures. Its all your fault.

  8. Hey buddy , Nice to meet you, cause it’s the same for me. Just like you said. Can we talk on Whatsup sometime. Thanks. Just reading what you wrote gives me hope. Thank you.

  9. Dean Banks stop acting like your a god and know if his threats are real or not.Enouth times have we seen someone tell a friend or someone that he will kill and people never took it serious but the killings actually happened.And where does he ever say like going on a mass murder is not wrong?And you think he does not know its his fault for lacking success with girls?

    Try to live in his mind or even have a life similar to his and feel his pain then you will be allowed to open your mouth and talk bad about him.Everyone is different and to some people getting a girlfriend is almost impossible whitout help.Take Elliot Rodger as an example the man was VERY shy and since on top of that men in general are suppose to make the first move it makes it very very hard for such person to have any success.

  10. The real reason behind sexless marriage is lack of physical attraction. Its time men woke up to the game that is being played on them. Women often marry men they aren’t very attracted to, simply because there are far more women than there are physically attractive men who are willing to commit. Many are willing to give up a good sex life for that commitment, because they value that more than romantic love.
    Contrary to the popular myth, women are VERY visual when it comes to attraction. They find most men physically unattractive, and the majority of the men they ARE physically attracted to are chillingly similar in appearance. Do not believe the lie that women vary greatly in what they find hot in a guy, physically, or the lie that your personality or ability to provide will make you sexier. Those will improve your mate desirability for long term, but will not increase her desire to have sex with you.
    You have to understand women dont tell these half-truths maliciously. It is NOT done with ill intent. They are SHAMED for being open about what they want. They are PRESSURED by society to settle for men they are not physically attracted to, and THIS is the hidden, root eason why most marriages split up.
    Here is the ultimate acid test to weed out the good marriage candidate from the settlers and fakes, because it strikes at the very core of the issue: After you’ve fucked her a few times, tell her you are NOT looking for commitment. If she still sticks around, even if she pouts about it, that is a good sign that she is attracted enough to you that you wont get stuck with a sexless marriage after the wife no longer feels the need to keep up the act. If she passes the test, THAT girl is a keeper, because a long term relationship with her is far more likely to last. It’s counterintuitive and risky, but absolutely essential if you want to find a long term relationship with a woman who is TRULY attracted to you.

  11. This is serious problem that doesn’t get any attention. I feel bad for all the men out there as I am in the same situation. But for me, not being able to find a job makes sex almost immpossible. The only time I get to work, I’m usually surrounded by men or very old women.

    To the men who’s wifes doen’t have sex. Simple solution. Stop being a pussy and bang a mistress. Why do you let yourself get tortured? I understand you want to keep marriage for the kids but beleive me your kids will suffer even more because you are constantly depressed.

    For the guy on the killing spree, this is what happens to some men as we have seen with Elliot Rodger. If I knew your whole situation I would try to help you, but here are some tips.

    If you have a job, get in shape because women are just as superficial as men, and they will more likely suck your dick if you are attractive.

    If you can, get out of the suburbs and live somewhere near lots of young women.

    Anytime you see a women in distress or is being harassed help her. Women are attracted to men who will protect them. If they are protected they will feel safe and then have an urge to have sex.

    Start calling women out on their bullshit. Its true that being the right kind of asshole will get you laid.

  12. just making a comment to receive future posts.

  13. I just wanted to post a comment to say “thank you” for posting this. I’ve been out of a long-term relationship for about a year now. We had a very similar problem with our sexual relationship and I felt completely unwanted and inadequate. I was so sexually frustrated that I couldn’t sleep. My life suffered tremendously from it. Talking to her about the issue didn’t change anything permanently. Things would get better for a while and when she thought it was enough, she’d take it away again. Ultimately she left me like I was just a fling, then found someone else within a couple of months. My feelings of inadequacy have peaked since then. I’m glad to know that while it’s unfortunate so many of us go through this, I’m not alone and there are people trying to raise awareness. So again, thank you.

  14. Sad to hear men in similar situation as myself. Married over 14 years, have young children so don’t want to divorce. Lucky to have sex 6 times a year after pleading for it. Has destroyed me mentally , feel worthless, and currently been without for 4 months. I feel no intimacy towards her as it’s a total brain #uck being rejected , she’s more like a mother now and I can’t be bothered anymore. I’ve tried so hard. I sleep in separate rooms now as I’m tired of feeling attracted to her, then been smacked. She thinks everything is fine even though I have discussed the issue several times. Its a yo yo. Worst thing is I can’t afford to move out and rent a place for myself, so feel trapped as well. I still love her as a person, she is attractive, and I don’t want to abandon my young children. I work Mon-Fri , long hours to feed the family. I don’t look forward to coming home, only do so for my kids. Its a dark place to be in, feels sad to see other couples seem so happy, hold hands , share a kiss. I get none though I have tried so hard. Been hurt so long, don’t try now as it hurts. To any man out there in similar situation, I’d say, if you can afford it financially, leave and live your life. Life is short. Peace.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

* Copy This Password *

* Type Or Paste Password Here *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>