The Art of Subtle Initiation

I think I’ve probably mentioned before on this blog that I am the initiator of sex in my marriage.  I’ve improved from passive initiation, shaming techniques and covert contracts (blue pill beta chump days) to being a non-apologetic, more straightforward initiator.  While still fairly clumsy at times, and not keeping in mind the need for Holly to warm up mentally and get in the mood other times, we’ve still established what I feel is an ok system that leaves us connected and for the most part happy.  Holly is a great wife, and has grown to understand where I’m coming from and my desires for connection with her on a regular basis and how sex with her plays a larger part of that.  Even if she’s not especially in the mood, she’s usually willing to indulge me, and sometimes she gets into it during the act, and sometimes not, but we love each other and I appreciate her efforts in keeping our relationship close.

As I mentioned, I have to go back pretty far in my memory bank to remember her last overt initiation.  Again, that’s not to say she’s not down for some variety and some non-vanilla action as directed by me, but she won’t kick-start it directly.  It’s been years since she’s woken me up in the middle of the night needing some deep dickin’.  But a recent event has woken my memory up and made me realize that my assessment of the initiation situation isn’t entirely accurate.  She does initiate in her own way, but it is often more subtle and unless I’m keeping my eyes and senses (and brain) aware, I sometimes miss it.  I’m just a regular bone-headed husband, like a lot of you out there. What can I say.

Holly’s more frequent nighttime attire is usually a mix of comfortable pajamas or sweatpants of some sort.  For Christmas, I purchased her a number of Victoria Secret items and sleepwear that I found acceptable. They ranged from a cute pajama set, to a short stain slip to some sexy lingerie; all are an improvement of her typical attire.  I’ll admit, I have a hard time shopping for sleepwear for her because her primary criteria for her to wear something is A) is it comfortable? B) Is it warm (especially in the winter)? and lastly C) is it cute?  I can usually hit A and C but miss on B, so they don’t get warn a whole lot.

Anyway, with the recent travel between her and I has left us struggling to find pockets of time to connect in the bedroom. Last week, we had some connection sex early in the week, some travel by both her and I, then her period at the end of the week.  She was leaving Monday for another work trip this week, so with her menses I was sort of disappointed we were likely going over a week [again] without sex.  But then, Sunday night, she comes down the stairs after getting the kids put to bed, in one of the cute, comfortable pajamas I got her for Christmas along with a black satiny robe.  She looked absolutely sexy, especially having her hair cut and colored the day before. She was all smiles and snuggles and was in a great mood. I still didn’t have any expectations (well, I was hoping for a BJ later, but that was it  )  I opened a bottle of wine and we hung out for awhile in the living room watching House of Cards (on Netflix, recommend).

We headed to bed still fairly early, and while talking a little, she made it clear her  menses wasn’t too bad and without overtly stating it, made it clear she wanted to connect before she left.  There’s a scene in the Kevin Smith movie Chasing Amy (with Ben Affleck) where it dawns on the Jason Lee character that the bar they’ve been in all night is a lesbian bar, and then everything about the patron interaction made sense.  That’s how I felt after I realized that she was, in her own way, initiating.  Wear sexy(er) pajamas? Check. Have a little wine to relax a little? Check.  Be sweet and sexy and snuggly? Check.  Duh, Alex, of course she wanted some. She too needs sex and connection and physical love, despite how I sometimes think.  And the sex that night was great!

After that, I thought back to other times where she’s done the same type of behavior and the subsequent results.  I realized she does initiate from time to time, not that often necessarily, but sometimes; just in her own way.  I just need to be more aware of the more subtle signals she gives as they are much different than mine.

I’m always ready to go, and Holly is pretty hot!  Just kissing her in the kitchen with a brief butt grab gives me half a chub. Thinking of sleeping with her causes my heart to race and dumps dopamine and adrenaline into my system like a school boy crushing.  She’s the key player in my mental spank bank.  In fact, my attraction for her can sometimes be an issue with lasting long enough.  Yeah, after 11+ plus years, I still get the tingles from her. It’s a good place to be; late 30′s and still in love with your spouse.  I see so many other couples who’ve lost that spark, and hope that even with all the ups and downs in life, we can keep the spark and tingles alive.  Yeah, I’m a fucking romantic at heart!