I somehow missed Embrace The Hunt, but is now bookmarked and I’ll add to my Recommended Reading at some point. He has some really great stuff on fitness, life, parenting and Game.
I tend to check out the MMSL soap operas (AKA the forums) and before that forum was “live” would occasionally check out the TalkAboutMarriage forum. Seems like many are dealing with infidelity, be it either emotional or physical affairs. Seems like they all start with the marriage “fire” burning down for a variety of reasons, someone showing interest in the partner, partner appreciating the attention and then BOOM! some form of infidelity.
Embrace The Hunt details how he, as a cheater, started the affair. I’m linking here to show the genesis how something like this can happen.
The Bastard Chronicles-overview
The Bastard Chronicles- Genesis
The Bastard Chronicles-Point of No Return
The Bastard Chronicles-Caught Part 1
The Bastard Chronicles-Caught Part 2
The Bastard Chronicles-Current Events
There’s a number of lessons we can take away I suppose. First, the likelihood of cheating is super magnified if there is no spark and you’re more like roommates or brother/sister than a passionate married couple. That’s brought on by being complacent, getting fat, not making time for connecting with each other, not making a sexual connection a priority or putting your children high on a pedestal (and not appreciating or giving your spouse equally as much attention). Second, when the excitement of attention from another takes hold, it is exhilarating, triggers that adrenaline and dopamine response (that you’re not getting from your spouse), and you basically start to act crazy. You aren’t rational, and like a cocaine addict, you’ll do whatever you can to get your fix. You’ll lie, cheat, steal, and hide if it means you’ll get that dopamine trigger – you literally are chasing “the high”.
Seems to be some common things that occur in infidelity, or the start of an affair, to be on the lookout for:
- phone guarding or phone locking
- frequent texts or Facebook messaging
- Facebook friend acceptance with new opposite-sex partners, especially ex’s
- secret e-mail accounts
- unavailable by phone or text for blocks of time
- odd, out of routine behavior
- possibly increased sex drive and general kinkiness (some women get really riled up as if a beast has been awakened)
We need to constantly work on ourselves and being the best we can be, as well as working to make sure our marriage is strong and mate-guard hard when called for. You need to see the signs of interest (by others) in your spouse and shut that shit down hard. Sounds like a lot of this stuff starts with work colleagues or acquaintances but could be anyone they have contact with. The cheater will not be behaving rationally, and to stop that behavior will be like a drug/alcohol intervention. I know some couples can work through affairs and infidelity to make the marriage work. I’m not one of those. Holly is not one of those. Despite that JudgyBitch recommends staying together after an affair if you have kids (she’s got a great Blog by the way, newly on my favorites). We’ve had those hard discussions. That is a deal breaker for us. Hopefully you will never have to deal with that, but I think being forthright and honest with your spouse and have those discussions while things are “good” or “normal” is a good idea. They’ll know that if an affair occurs, what the ramifications are. However, both sides share responsibility if that were to occur, so do your part to be sexy, a good partner, and exciting so that those tingles of dopamine (however small at this stage of marriage) are still present. This could mean pressing the boundaries in the bedroom (ala 50 Shades) or role playing or adult DVD’s or any number of things.
Remember though, you can only control your actions and behavior. It’s on them to respond, and not everything tried (in the bedroom or out) will work. The bottom line is if you’re committed to each other, you’ll both be working to keep the fires burning, because if not, the seeds of infidelity can sprout in the right environment.
you are obviously well read on this subject. MUCH better than me. is there anything you have read that i could pass on to my wife on the importance of her working on keeping me attracted. i am doing more than my share in that department. she is not.
we have an open dialogue but i think she needs a wake up call from another source than myself. she is complacent. my sex rank is increasing and women are noticing. hers is degrading and i am noticing.
That’s a tough place to be. The other forum I frequent has multiple instances that are essentially cries for help in that their spouse isn’t keeping up their end of the donkey after they themselves made changes for the better. the have frequent examples of self sabotage and attempts to bring the spouse that’s trying hard down to their level.
I don’t have any bookmarked resources readily available, but here’s a few MMSL blog posts that may apply:
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/04/mmsl-reading-husband-is-hot-now-wife-happy-but-getting-nervous/
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/12/relative-vs-absolute-sex-rank-and-the-forty-year-old-wife/
Hopefully that can help spark a fire. However, the desire has to come from her, it can’t come from you. And what I’ve heard in from others is sometimes the spark to improve is never lit. Good luck!
thx for the help
This is very well written, and right on the money. It was watching the break down of so many couples around us, some very tragically, which was the wake up call for Dave and I and that we wanted something different and needed to make changes. We are of like mind with you and Holly, in which cheating is a deal breaker and would be the end of our marriage. I’m currently writing a story about this subject, a romance, about couple who do decide they want something different in their married life, but with each other instead of looking outside the relationship. There’s alot of what we have learned Red Pill and some of the horrors we have witnessed and read about. I’m hoping that showing the contrast in what could be in a marriage vs. what too many people seem to choose in real life will help some think through their choices and see their lives from the perspective of their spouse, the one who is supposed to be their partner, bonded for life. That adrenaline and dopamine response you talk about is more easily attainable within the marriage relationship than many people think. Though I’m preaching to the choir here on your site, word needs to get out to many others. Sometimes it almost feels like a lost cause.
BTW-I hesitate to read the links you provided. I’ve found too many sites on the web where cheating is glorified and it brings me to tears. You mentioned there are lessons to be learned, but you didn’t mention in your post what position the links are written from. So for now, I will hold off reading.
Thank you for the post. This message needs to be repeated continually.
It’s written from the perspective of the cheater. I would say it doesn’t glorify or denounce his actions, it is fairly neutral but does have some rationalizing and blame shifting. It’s more of the roadmap that he took. I don’t think the author sounded overly regretful, and you have no real mention of what his wife was like except a few dots to connect.
I agree Jacquie, that the ones who need this message the most aren’t likely to seek it out until it’s too late. We’re all doing our best to pass this on to those who can use it. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Thank you for the kind words and for featuring my story in this post. I probably never made it clear in my writing that despite not feeling much regret about cheating, I don’t advocate it either. However a person chooses to live, doing it honestly usually produces the most favorable outcome.
I tried not to rationalize my actions as much as I could, though of course I do here and there as is human nature. My aim has been to describe an affair from a first person perspective that is primarily neutral on morality. Writing out my story helps me obviously, but hopefully it can help others in some way as well.
I also purposefully tried to avoid writing too much about my (future ex-) wife out of respect. Some would say she doesn’t deserve that respect if they knew the whole story, and I may divulge more to some degree to round out the tale. Make it more relatable and helpful to those possibly encountering similar situations. That said throwing her under the bus in a setting like this just isn’t my style.
Coming from someone well versed in infidelity, I very much agree with your post. Clear expectations, consequences, and boundaries, as well as vigilance are all important. Relationships spanning many years and eventually decades become extremely complex without any additional obscurity. And even with all the best knowledge and the best tools it still just comes down to the two people and their actions.
I appreciate the frank honesty that you wrote about and I’m certainly not here to pile on or denounce your actions as I’m not in your shoes. I thought your forthright, almost analytical, review of the situation gave a lot of insight into the minds and actions of those taking this path. With only part of the story, and the fact that you’re taking the high road in regards to painting in the rest of the marital picture, we can only see the road as taken, and hopefully take something away. That is the purpose of this post.
Thanks for sharing your story, you’ve got a great way with words and a different life experience that I learn and grow from, so keep writing.