I think I’ve done pretty well at the self-improvement (and primarily because of that, my marriage and family dynamics have improved as well) over the last year to year and a half. I made a strong concerted effort, and still do, to self-reflect and to gather more knowledge through books and websites on social dynamics and self improvement. I want to continue to be a stock to “buy” not “sell”; a growth stock if you will. To continue to remain humble and hungry is sometimes the hardest part after you’ve climbed up the mountain pretty far… remember, the journey is never 0ver.
After what feels like a 3 week bender of bad food and alcohol and parties and friends and family galore, Holly and I are hunkering down for the month of January. What is becoming an annual tradition, we’re abstaining from alcohol and are tightening up our diets and getting back into the groove again.
Anyway, Ian Underwood of Red Pill Room had a great Resolutions post a couple days back. I’m not big on resolutions, but am a proponent of self-reflection and goal setting. When I get a quiet moment this next weekend, I plan to establish what goals I have for 2013. In the meantime, I thought seeing how I stacked up on Ian’s extensive list would be fun. It’s pretty long, but here goes:
…
- Start paying far more attention to what women do than what they say. As someone who feels a little awkward socially and the opposite of Holly, who is great at reading people, I need to open my eyes more to both men and women.
- Walk into the joint like you own it. Usually do ok here
- Work out like your life depends on it. Already do: Lift Heavy Stuff and Breathe Hard frequently
- Start telling, stop asking. Doing ok here in work and marriage, could do better.
- Have at least one nice suit that you have had tailored to fit you properly. I’m desperately in need of a new suit, will take this advice in the first quarter this year.
- Take charge. No one is going to give you permission to lead. This is something I’ve realized on my own
- Make breakfast for everyone on a Sunday without being asked or told. Designate who will clean up. I probably make breakfast about every-other Sunday and probably half the time without any request
- Start thinking of yourself as a valuable asset, not an appendage to a woman. Already do this.
- Get your hair cut by a real professional stylist at least twice a year. I go too long between haircuts, but always have them cut by a stylist
- Start valuing your own desires and respecting your own sexuality. Don’t be ashamed of wanting to screw. Agreed on this. Reminder to others: stop using covert contracts [from NoMoreMrNiceGuy] and be more honest and forthright in this regard
- Forget “equality”. Focus on “equilibrium”. Couldn’t agree more, assuming you mean division of labor and household responsibilities; will never be equal but does everyone pull their weight? Holly and I both do, though in different ways
- Buy a black fedora and rock it hard. I don’t think I look good in a fedora, I do, however, prefer the “paper boy” hat like this guy:
Newsboy Hat
- Demonstrate courage, even if you’re scared shitless. No one needs to know just how scared you are. Entering competition is a great way to fight your fears. It’s about the only way we put ourselves out there without being in a messed up situation where you need to demonstrate courage.
- Be “the most interesting man in the world”. I think I’m doing ok, but need to re-integrate past hobbies. This title belongs to my FIL.
- Cultivate a guilty pleasure or a minor vice. Sure, it isn’t good for you…but it’s your decision. Yep
- Walk around like you have a broadsword on your hip. Reminds me of the term Big Swinging Dick from Liar’s Poker.
- Be able to listen thoughtfully, even if you think the speaker is full of shit. Opportunity can be a subtle thing, and if you don’t recognize it before it’s gone, it never existed. I need to be a better listener, and not just wait for my turn to talk. I think many of us are guilty of this.
- Talk to strange women and don’t be afraid of a little light flirting. When the mood strikes, I make small talk and so forth with men and women, just doesn’t strike that often. Definitely not afraid of this.
- Stand up straight. Straighter. Getting better at this but not there yet.
- Make your bed, every morning. It’s where you have sex, and you should respect your stage. (I did this for two months before Mrs. Ironwood caught on. Now if I don’t make the bed, she thinks something is wrong.) I do this every day, hate a messy bed.
- Don’t be confident — be overconfident. Irrationally overconfident. I’m confident, but sounds like I need to up it a notch, or at least add more cocky-funny to my existing confidence as that is what I’m weak at (I’m too serious too often)
- Never diminish the penis. Your junk is so big it’s awe-inspiring. Be willing to fight anyone who says differently. I’ll have to have some “My dick is so big…” jokes on the ready
- Call your mother every Sunday. I talk to my mom as much as I care to, probably every 2-3 weeks on average.
- Be able to change a tire or jump a car on demand. I can do this.
- Solemnly thank veterans for their service. I do this when I can, my path doesn’t cross too many veterans though.
- Become proficient at arms of some sort. I hope to get to either a shooting range (To Holly: Sound like a hot date sometime this spring?) or archery club a coworker is a member of, sometime this year
- Test drive a sports car. Not going to happen, but get to try out sports cars as rental cars sometimes while traveling for work (mustang, Comaro)
- Tell your wife where you both will be dining, don’t ask her where she wants to eat. Just did this last Saturday, good move.
- Sing loudly in the shower or car without caring who hears. I will have to this more, especially the shower.
- Pay more attention to what you wear, even if you’re just working in the yard. I generally do this, need some wardrobe assistance though as mine is getting warn/old.
- Split some wood. When you get sweaty, take off your shirt. Don’t often have the opportunity, but may have to help FIL some time this year as I enjoy spending time with him as he does stuff at his out-property
- Be unafraid to look at and appreciate a good-looking woman, and be able to do it without being labeled “creepy”. True, a small goofy smirk goes a long way here
- Complain about the cooking when it’s bad. My taste buds suck, rarely do I think food is bad so rarely complain
- Praise the fellatio when it’s good. Every blue moon, when this happens, I make sure to let her know how much I like it.
- Be able to drop a compliment at an instant’s notice. Yep, and a not so cliche or obvious one. Complimenting ones accessories is something that Danny (from 504) says works great. Works for men and women (glasses, watches, earrings, shoes)
- Learn how to tie five new knots. Sounds like a camping project with the boys
- Have a picnic date pre-prepared in the trunk of your car at all times. I have enough junk in the trunk (in more ways than one) so probably won’t do this “at all times”, maybe a planned excursion though
- Learn how to speak Italian, at least the dirty words. Will have to dust off the Italian and Danish Pimsleur CDs again for the commute.
- Do something no one else knows about, and take satisfaction from that. This
- Get your shoes shined by a guy who does it for a living at least once in a while. Never done that, will need better shoes to try.
- Overtip when the service is truly outstanding. And mention it to the manager. Have done this a few times
- Pay an older woman a compliment and then flirt with her outrageously. Sounds like fun
- Pay a young girl a compliment and then Game her until she giggles. Sounds like fun too, may have to try first with Birdsnest
- Go play pool in a really sketchy dive. Love dive-bar pool, rarely do it though… last time we did this, we ran into a doppleganger (total look alike) of a good friend who blew us off (random story)
- Know the appropriate occasions and weather in which to wear a tuxedo. Like on a Monday?
- Take guitar lessons. I have in the past, but will be busting out the guitar more in 2013 that’s for certain
- Know the proper form of address for a sitting monarch, noble, or diplomat. WTF? Not going to happen
- Be a good loser. Need to impart this knowledge to LoudBoy who is not a good loser.
- Figure out your favorite manly drink and instantly ask for it at the bar. I’m a fan of Kettle One Up (in a martini glass), or a blanco tequila on the rocks with a splash of lime.
- Be succinct. If you can’t say it in one sentence, then consider if it needs to be said. Word
- Wait for the idiot to run out of things to say before you get started on why they’re wrong. Sort of like the listening one above
- Pick something off the menu in the first three minutes and don’t worry about whether or not you should have gotten the fish. I like to try new foods and pick early
- Be observant of human behavior enough to determine whether or not someone is lying. Bluffing is a great skill to have . . . and a lousy skill to lack. Need to work on this, similar to above
- Tell her she has beautiful eyes. It’s never untrue. So true
- Know at least one sport inside and out. Me, I got dibs on Ice Dancing. Yes, Ice Dancing. You fucking wanna fight about it? That would be NFL football, and maybe the quote-unquote “sport of fitness” AKA Crossfit (at least to some degree)
- Figure out if you’re a beer man or a liquor man and don’t pick up a Zima even if there’s a gun to your head. Liquor
- Know how to identify poison oak, ivy, and sumac. Poison oak and sumac sounds like a camping project
- Read at least one book written in the last year. I read all the time
- Sit on your front porch and watch the sun set, just because you want to. We do this frequently in the summer
- Write a letter to your wife. In longhand. On stationary. Mail it to her. Maybe not mailed, or on stationary, but usually once or twice a year Holly get’s something like this.
- Read a classic in public without shame or fear. No issues there
- Stay in the game even if you’ve got a shitty hand, and play it like it’s pocket aces. I don’t play poker, nor have any desire to.
- Show respect to other men for their age, their experience, their reputation, and/or their record. But never mention that to them — you don’t want to look like a brown-noser. This is ingrained already
- When you switch from cunnilingus to intercourse, do her hard for ten minutes and then go back to cunnilingus until you’re damn well good and ready to continue with screwing. A man’s gotta eat. Sounds like a way to switch things up.
- Make up private nicknames for her boobs. Tell her, if you want. Like “sockfull of quarters” and “Bag of Sand”? I jest, I jest.
- Learn how to throw a punch that lands accurately and with sufficient force. Martial arts is your friend.
- Learn how to take a punch. Not sure how I’m supposed to learn that
- Rock a bow-tie. But only if you know how to tie one. I totally want to sport a bow-tie sometime! Even if it’s just a joke.
- Go out of your way to cross a room to tell a woman how attractive you find her, and compliment her on one thing she clearly worked very hard on. Then recede from view without revealing your name. Wow! That has to be something I do at some point in my life, like a mystery man who makes someone’s day.
- When someone says “that’s sexist!” shrug and say “I’m OK with that.” Don’t apologize for who we are: anti-feminists.
- Practice your free throw. …at the pool (on the pool hoop).
- Call your dad and ask him what he would do, even if you already know the answer. I do this on rare occasion.
- Sew your own buttons on your shirts. Even prisoners can do it. Or do what I do and just throw the shirt away or stuff it in the back of the closet.
- Imagine a better way to state the problem, then make the asshole on the team see reason even if you have to beat him to death in the men’s room. Not too many conflicts in my work in the past, but with new responsibilities and client, this will be something I may need to do from time to time.
- Be able to sing one song or tell one amusing anecdote in public and do it well. Along with playing guitar, I sing “Sally McLennane” by the Pogues (an Irish drinking song) reasonably well. I need an amusing anecdote or joke, am bad at having those at the ready.
- When you shake hands, be the guy with the stronger grip. I try, but have small hands
- Know how to drive a fucking nail without looking like an amateur. Practice, if necessary. Sounds like a game to play with LoudBoy some summer day with nothing going on.
- When a woman tells you she’s a feminist, grin broadly and say “Really? Seriously?” and then shake your head and walk away laughing. Love this one.
- Play a game with a bunch of little kids. We do this frequently enough in our neighborhood.
- Play cards or chess with an old dude and discover his wisdom. But don’t wager — those old guys are vicious. Not sure where to find an old dude or the time to do this with my schedule.
- Create some art, just because you can. Music is art, maybe I’ll write some more songs…
- Know enough about wine to converse on the subject intelligently, without pretending to know stuff you don’t. You probably aren’t a “wine dude” — you probably can’t afford to be — but being able to discuss a bottle with the sommalier in a restaurant is a key Alpha skill. Feel free to finish the conversation with “I trust your professional judgement”. While I make my own wine, I’m so far from a wine dude it’s not funny.
- Go to a minor league baseball game and shout at the pitcher. Usually take the kids once a year
- Tell her she’s pretty and try to mean it. Slamdunk.
- Learn how to ballroom dance, even the hard ones. The Tango, alone, is worth the expense. I’ve taken a ballroom class and can swing a little, but my wife isn’t a fan of dancing unfortunately for me
- Build a shed. From scratch. Yeah, not going to happen unless I help a friend.
- You know that dude from college you’re Facebook friends with, but haven’t actually spoken to in years? Call him on his birthday. Find out what he’s really been up to. I just did this with an old college roommate this summer. I was in his town for business, driving through, called him up out of the blue and had lunch, on his birthday. Had hardly talked or communicated with him in 10 years and it was like old times and fun to catch up.
- Stay up all night watching TED talks, and let your head spin. Not sure what this even is.
- Tell your kids what you expect, when you expect it, and what will happen if it doesn’t happen. Then follow through. I am the king of this already. Our new discipline method is pushups. LoudBoy had to do 169 pushups/situps on Saturday because he kept doing the same discipline inducing thing over and over. ”Next time you do that it will be 14 pushups”, “Next time 50″, and finally “Next time 100″. He finally remembered at 100.
- Mean what you say. Say what you mean. All the time.
- Suggest anal, even if you know she’s going to decline. Yep
- Take your mother-in-law out for lunch, but don’t tell your wife about it. Hmmmm, maybe some day
- Talk baby-talk to a dog or cat. They don’t mind. And chicks dig it. I don’t agree chicks dig it, but we baby talk Dum-Dum all the time.
- Learn how to say no. Don’t apologize, don’t sound evasive or regretful, just ‘no’. Or ‘no, thank you’. I’m too nice here. Just need to leave it at “No”. End of story.
- Use profanity only limitedly . . . but when you do use it, mean it. I should probably swear less.
- Know who your great-grandparents were, where they came from, and what they did with their lives. Sounds like a research project. While I haven’t consciously avoided my heritage, I prefer to focus on my own life, legacy and not look at the past.
- Be able to build a campfire you can light with one match. Practice, if necessary. No issues there, will be working with the kids to do this as well.
- Know which way North is . . . all the time. I’m ok at this, but am not a great “directions” guy
- Know how to hold a baby and always be willing to pick one up without regard to how expensive or freshly-laundered your clothing is. Baby-spit is invisible. Not a fan of other peoples babies, but am not afraid of holding them/picking them up.
- Always compliment a mother on how her baby looks, no matter how ugly the kid is. I don’t gush so much, as usually everyone else is.
- Write your father’s eulogy. Then write your own. It’s good practice. Interesting
- Learn at least one simple magic trick you can use to entertain a crowd of 8 year-olds. Pull a coin from the ear?
- Cultivate at least three good heroes from history and know about them, exhaustively. And no, you can’t use JFK or Lincoln. Too easy. But does everyone know the story of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter? I’ll have to start reading more historical non-fiction
- Read your state’s Constitution, and know how it differs from other states and the Federal constitution. Wow, sounds like a lot of work and I am not a history fan.
- Learn how to iron, if you don’t know how. No man should make someone else iron his shirts. I iron my own shirts, always have (Holly is not a big ironer herself, but I won’t usually iron her stuff either)
- Prepare your family for the Zombie Apocalypse. Getting there, need a firearm, but food is stocked,
- Bargain for something, not just a new car. Learn how to haggle like a middle-eastern spice merchant. Sure, you’re gonna get screwed . . . at first. I’d say, the key to negotiations is being willing to legitimately walk away if they won’t come to your terms. When Holly and I are in the process of big ticket negotiations (car, house, etc) I ALWAYS take the role of bad-cop and let them know right away we’re willing to walk and keep the pressure on. Though day to day stuff, we trade off on good-cop/bad-cop.
- Memorize the winning poker hands. I know generally, but the straight/4 of a kind/flush area I’m not real tight.
- Buy your wife flowers for no reason. It will confuse the hell out of her. Bonus points for having them delivered to her office. Will be done
- If you’re clean-shaven, grow a beard or mustache. If you have a beard, shave it for a few months. Change is good. I’d love to have facial hair but can’t grow it, except for a soul patch which doesn’t get broken out very frequently.
- Cultivate a good manly nickname. Note: “T-Bone” is for douchebags. I sort of have one, but not really
- Know how to insult your best friends good-naturedly. Ball busting is a second hobby with my friends and brothers
- Make a cheesecake, from scratch, just ’cause. Easy peasy, but we don’t often want to eat that stuff. I make a mean flourless chocolate cake that gets made just ’cause though.
- Spend fifty bucks on something that can make you a hundred bucks. Then follow through. Repeat until you’re a millionaire. Wonder what that is for me?
- Open a beer bottle with a lighter, a quarter, the edge of the table, or with anything that isn’t actually a bottle opener. If you’re drinking beer with screw-caps, get a life. Beer in a hotel room is always fun, like finding which surface will work best to open a cap in This room.
- Get Red Cross CPR certified. Take a First Aid course, too. Already done, was a swim coach for youth awhile back and get updates through work.
- Practice predicting a woman’s dress and boobs size. Become proficient. Why?
- Get a friend laid. You know you want to. I totally want to improve some married friends lives, slowly feed them the red pill…very slow process though, can’t scare the wildlife when imparting knowledge on the uninitiated.
- Make someone’s wish come true anonymously. It makes you feel powerful and noble. Great idea
- Learn how to give an outstanding massage. That means more than thirty minutes and using plenty of lotion or oil. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I want to. I prefer to pay someone to perform this service. A shorter duration message is about all I’m good for.
- Cultivate an “evil twin” persona for your spouse — someone who does stuff you would never, ever do in bed. You know how nasty those evil twins are. Sounds like a good idea, was hoping for some role play in 2013 anyway
- Practice your smile in front of the mirror. Most dudes’ smiles look like they’re getting a rectal exam. Know how to smile for the camera. I should probably spend more time in front of the mirror anyway.
- Learn to unhook a bra with one hand. Sure, it’s high school level, but when was the last time you did it? Good question. I used to be able to do this but am out of practice.
- Learn how to drive a stick-shift, if you don’t know already. If you do, learn how to drive a motorcycle instead. Drive a stick, will have to try out friends project motorcycle.
- Call out a woman you aren’t sleeping with on her bullshit. That includes your mother or sister. Your wife is a different matter — you have to call her out on her bullshit very carefully. Well said.
- If another guy calls you out on your apparent “sexism”, ala Hugo Schwyzer’s “Dude, that’s not cool!”, reply with a simple “isn’t it time to change your tampon?” Remind him that men decide for themselves what they think is cool, they don’t rely on bullshit peer-pressure from vapid deltas whose opinion they didn’t respect to begin with. If a dude can’t take your honest assessment of a situation without screeching about sexism, he’s mislaid his testicles and likely his value to you as a friend. Calling you out like that isn’t displaying courage, it’s displaying disloyalty. That should be noted . . . and remembered. Agreed, but this can be tricky depending who the audience is. I think if we remember to speak with honesty about our beliefs of anti-feminism, anti-white knighting and what it does for man kind, perhaps some education can be dropped.
- If a woman busts you checking her out, and tries to bust your balls about it in public, proclaim loudly ”Sorry! I just thought you were the most attractive transexual I’ve ever seen!” and walk away before she can form a reply. LOL!
- Learn how to lie convincingly. A good skill to have on occasion.
- Hug a child, and don’t reprove a boy for hugging you for comfort or in happiness. High fives are for home runs and homework — real achievement requires a properly-delivered manly embrace. True
- Have a plan when you start the day, and don’t revise it unless you have a compelling reason. Have a Plan, Work the Plan
- Be able to recognize a compelling reason to revise your plan, and do so without regrets or recriminations. Be flexible
- If you don’t have a mission, find one. I’m still trying to find mine, but am improving despite this
- Make a goal of having something — one thing — accomplished by the end of the week that will improve your life or the life of your family. Make that thing happen by the deadline. Will ponder this
- If your taxes aren’t done, your car needs to be inspected, or your lawn needs to be mowed you have work to do. Structural stability is sexy. Love getting taxes done early
- Break your television for a week. See if you really miss it. You won’t (your wife may though, be warned)
- Consider a tattoo. I’m considering another one, need to have it done before the summer when we’re in the pool all the time.
- Surprise your wife for lunch. I do this once or twice a year
- Know how to install a light fixture without calling anyone for help. Word
- Grow a plant and take care of it without any help from anyone, particularly your wife. Nope, I hate plants. If marijuana is legalized it may be another story though…
- Ensure that all of your smoke detectors work and are powered, that your doors and windows all lock securely, and that you have a spare house key stashed somewhere where you can get to it outside. Need to hide a spare key in garage somewhere.
- Learn how to take harsh criticism without being offended, and be able to take an insult gracefully. It’s hard to keep that ego in check and not get defensive, a skill we all need to work on probably.
- Back up your computer, and make a rescue disk. Good reminder, need to bust out the backup hard drive during our “hunker-down” month.
- Buy a pocket knife and learn how to sharpen it. Carry it with you religiously, along with a flashlight and a pocket screwdriver. Have a number of knives, know how to sharpen, but rarely carry.
- Go fishing. Surprise your kid or take your wife, but drop everything and spend a few hours therapeutically drowning worms. If you catch it, clean it and eat it. Plan to do this coming up.
- Learn how to properly and gently correct the behavior of other people’s children without inspiring a challenge to their parenting. This is tricky. I kind of like disciplining other people’s kids. I’ve never had any backlash.
- Learn how to lead. It’s not a natural talent, it’s a learnable skill. If you haven’t learned it, you need to. Being bossy isn’t leadership. Being indecisive isn’t leadership. BE THE CAPTAIN, and people will just naturally start treating you like the captain. So true and great advice.
So looks like I’m doing ok, can get better in the social interactions, cocky-funny arena and be a stronger framed, alpha leader, but I’m getting there. Hope you are too. Happy New Year!
Such an awesome list…I showed these to Levi and he agreed with their awesomeness…Sounds like you are doing a good job:) Here’s to continuing in the New Year.
Bea
Great list & good commentary. Ted Talks are awesome by the way.
http://www.ted.com/talks?sort=mostviewed