So I sometimes forget that I’ve been at this for a long time. It has been years for me since I felt that tugging malaise of a marriage and sex life falling into the doldrums as childreering became the focus. I’m far from a master at marriage or this Red Pill stuff, but I’ve come a long way. At 40+ now, married 15 years, we’re doing better than we were even at the start, so I guess I’ve got some experience in coming out the other side. Many (maybe you) still find this site as they are trying to figure out their own shit and get through their own malaise in marriage. It has been awhile since I’ve really gotten into some of the meat and potatoes of what I found, so thought I’d at least reset the clock for new readers, or those that might want a refresher. I’m coloring with a very broad brush, so give me some leeway here. At the end of the day, I am neither pro- nor anti-marriage, but I am pro-living-a-true-life as best you can. I am also pro-stable relationship or marriage for raising kids, since a good relationship models the next generation and for that alone I think this stuff is important. And that usually means hard work and sometimes hard decisions.
I’m not going to get into all my thoughts on how the younger generation is changing, the White Knights, Social Justice Warriors, feminism, and all that other ancillary stuff that ties in, but try to focus more on the meat and potatoes for those seeking a solid long-term relationship having the sexlife they want. Book resources for those who want to learn more (for the benefit of learning or understanding, thus so they can incorporate some of these lessons into their life, think of it as more advance lessons to build on the lessons below. Note many of these are focused more on sex or pickup artist stuff, but there are nuggets to be gained from these things, plus most are entertaining.). In no particular order, books (besides mine) I think are worth reading for a better understanding:
- The Game -this is more on figuring out how Pick up artists work their magic, much insight and great writing by Neil Strauss.
- The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships – Another Strauss book, he gets into major debauchery, tries an open relationship with someone he loves(or as I call it-have your cake and eat it too), and comes out the other side more or less in the same boat you and I find ourselves in, but with more perspective. Fun read.
- No More Mr Nice Guy – Not red pill per se, but helps to reform nice guy and provides an educated vantage point of how nice guys (maybe you) really aren’t that nice.
- Day Bang – A Roosh V book, following up on Bang. Day Bang I think is more applicable to married guy since it is more confident, how to talk to women, how to be a better man and create small talk. These are more transferable to marriage, or to create social proof with your wife in public.
- The Rational Male – Maybe the most comprehensive book on the subject, closing in on 300 reviews at Amazon, very dense and full of knowledge. A must read.
First, let’s start with Red Pill rules for all women:
- Women like guys with social proof (Hypergamy– whole books could be written on the topic). While guys who are rockstars, or comedians, or the big man in the room, anyone with social status has power. That attracts women. They want the Alpha-dog, not the beta-guy who as no spine and lets their woman do whatever she wants. It means you need to have your own social proof. You may not be her boss, or manager of a different division, but if you have your own social proof, it may negate those types of advances.
- Confidence is catnip. Not giving a shit and laughing people off in a cocky-confident way, and doing what you want to do is super sexy.
- They like excitement. Doing or being involved with excitement or an exiting man triggers dopamine in their brain – the same hormone from drugs like cocaine. Unfortunately, they get the same mini-dose from likes on Facebook or Instagram, or minor interactions with hangers-on. Also unfortunately, the patterns of life become routine, and if a husband or boyfriend isn’t careful to include doses of excitement, they’ll become like another piece of furniture – comfortable, serves a purpose, but no pulse.
- The flip side is that for a long-term relationship they crave the stable guy, who they will bond with (oxytocin) and stay with, but men need both. The bad boy and the nice guy.
- This can all be summarized as “Alpha Fucks, Beta Bucks.” They like to fuck the exciting guy, but will settle down (and have a yearning for that excitement) with the Nice Guy. The goal in a LTR is to be both. Which brings us to…
Then, after you end up winning the girl:
- While not a Red Pill Rule at all, one of the most important things to remember on your journey is that you can only control you. You may do everything right; eat well, get six pack abs, be the family leader, all that stuff, but you may or may not see the reaction you want in the person you are with. That is ok. Part of going along this path is realizing that you are doing it for yourself. Whatever falls out afterwords, remember, it is only your own actions and mental state you can control. And that is ok. It is what it is at the end of the day.
- After the glow of early marriage wears off, it becomes sort of a grind. It takes conscious effort to not take each other for granted or let the other obligations in your life (work, life goals, Reddit) take precedent. You fall into patterns, and you both fall into each others’ backgrounds. Complacency is a powerful enemy to a healthy marriage. Those that want marriage to work need to be somewhat hard headed and understand that it is not all puppy dogs and ice cream. Expectations are the first step of success.
- Kids are a total game changer. Don’t expect to get back to blindfolds and ass spankings in short order. The focus of your wife will be primarily on the new family additions. The key is to stay engaged in your wife’s world and not do what many husbands do at this stage of the relationship and simply hand the keys over on all things child rearing and life. This is the time in marriage if you aren’t careful you’ll end up giving the pants in the family to her and become relegated closer to the dog in the hierarchy of your family.
- Whether you have kids or not, you’ll both start to establish grooves in life. Patterns. Gravitating towards things that make life easier, bring you enjoyment, or just lets you deal with life. Oftentimes this coping mechanism leaves your partner out of the mix. If you want to stay married or at least have the marriage you want, you need to fight these grooves. Remember the Alpha-Beta/Dopamine-Oxytocin note above? Well you have to keep both going. Do date night. Go on roller coasters. Go skinny dipping. Get the fuck away from the kids once in awhile. It needs to happen
- Fuck her good. Mix it up. Watch porn together. Go Naked Man on her. Bottom line is, if you aren’t having sex at least once a week, you aren’t connecting like married couples should. That’s a problem. Fix it if you need to. How often are you initiating? Are you doing anything romantic? Are you creating suspense in her mind and flirting with her? Are you kissing her passionately, buckling her knees and crossing the wires in her head? Are you showering together? If not, why the hell not?
- Be the leader in your family. That means picking up after yourself. Do stuff without asking. Drive the family car. It may take a transition and a fight or three, but make it happen. Women want a man who leads – it is the social family proof.
- Be confident in who you are. Walk with your head held high and love the body you have. If it isn’t the body you want, work on it until it is, but don’t apologize for it. Confidence creates attraction.
- Have a life outside of the family. Have hobbies, get away and create a small vacuum so you aren’t always around. This is good for the relationship. Any hobby will do, but manly ones gain bonus points.
- Create a little uncertainty sometimes and rock the boat. When I took the Red Pill, I started acting more like a man, lifted weights with more purpose, and bought some new, sexier underwear. In turn, I slapped her ass more, gave her more frequent and unexpected passionate kisses, and acted much more cocky-funny-confident. My wife asked me if I was cheating. I told her the truth (trying to improve self, not cheating), but it created uncertainty and she stepped up her game. Making these changes and pressing my behavior outside of my nice-guy tendencies were scary, but in the end, solidified my marriage.
- Remember, your wife, no matter how pretty or how much you love her, is just one of many. When you put her up on a pedestal and bow to her every whim or desire like a lapdog, you make her lose attraction to her. Step up on the pedestal with her on equal footing, demand respect by being a good man with a little bite to him. It is a mindset change, but when you realize she isn’t really a special snowflake, you gain some power and that Not Giving Fucks attitude is actually an attraction builder. That part of the red pill equation can be bitter, but that mindset changes is critical for rebalancing the relationship and alloying men to establish a revised identity for the betterment of the marriage.
Every marriage is different, but we all want the same things: companionship, love, passion, stability, a sexual relationship, a partner in crime, a partner in parenting. Marriage is complex and bombarded by many outside influences and it is sometimes hard to focus on the seed of the whole relationship. And when you let your foot off the gas, or get distracted as you focus on other things, complacency and boredom set in. Do what you can to keep things exciting and to keep yourself front and center in your partner’s mind. Women are what they are, but we can understand that and counteract it. But it takes balls to step outside your comfort zone. To change. But to have the life you want, and the marriage you want, it takes time and effort and uncomfort. And that effort will always be required. There is no end game, simply fighting every day. Many don’t have it in them, so they simply give up, get divorced, swear off this sort of life, accept life and a marriage that lacks passion, trading that for companionship. That is ok too, but if you want something more you have to go all in. I’m all in, grinding every day, going for the love and life I want.
So keep battling my brothers. Keep improving every day. Keep loving every day, giving and getting positive energy along the path. And understand to get the uncommon results we are searching for it takes a different view on marriage, on women, on life in general. That to me is the Red Pill.
A few final words. I’m starting to scope out and record some podcasts. When I feel I have enough, I’ll be starting to go through the iTunes approval and start dropping them in. I hope this becomes a new thing. If you have questions you’d like answered in a future podcast, drop me a line. Stay tuned…
Until next time,