I think if you’re pushing the envelope and expanding your horizons, you’ll come down with a case of Impostor Syndrome from time to time. That’s where you’re striving to achieve, end up in some role that shows you’ve achieved some measure of success, but have trouble internalizing that feeling and being shown to be a fraud. I’ve felt that way in many areas over the years, including now. In many ways, it is a color of the “fake it till you make it” idea.
When I first swallowed the Red Pill it changed the way I viewed my marital dynamic, and how I was likely viewed by my wife. As I tried to internalize many of the concepts from leadership to acting confident and cocky/funny, I only partially succeeded at first. I held on to my Nice Guy innards while trying to bolt on these other things that were supposed to help make me more attractive and our sex life and marriage better. Fake it till you make it was my thinking. And it worked. It through my wife for a loop and that tipped the dynamic in a better way and led to more sex, fun, and happiness on both sides. But I didn’t necessarily really believe this new way of thinking was right, but I was willing to give it a try and work on myself. It seemed like smoke and mirrors. I thought my wife would find out I was just an impostor nice-guy with attitude and her vagina would dry up like the Sahara, but the funny thing was it didn’t. In fact, the opposite happened. What felt like Jedi mind tricks became internal to who I was and subsequent shaped who we were. At some point along the way here, I came to believe that I had really changed and I wasn’t faking it anymore.
That’s the way Impostor Syndrome as a source of power to actually improve. Instead of doing what beta guys do and dismiss the Red Pill or ass-slapping-the-wife Alpha cockiness as bullshit or degrading to women, I kept learning, kept reading, and kept improving. I didn’t give up. I used that insecurity about being found out or called out as fuel to actually keep at it. When I started blogging I was just a guy who was trying to find his way. I still am, but have learned enough and became educated enough and crossed the trials by fire in my own life enough that I’m now capable of helping others through Coaching. Or simply writing. Or making a book. That’s some scary shit, and tough to digest. But you do, and you don’t feel that way again, and you get comfortable. You get complacent. So you strive again and the process repeats.
Right now the only place I feel it is at work. I went back to an old company where I was private shareholder and employee, into a new position. I’m being groomed to lead the department and am supposed to have extensive knowledge in my field. I don’t feel worthy or prepared or knowledgeable in either area. But I’m getting there, grinding away to get better and build those weaknesses into strengths. I HATE that feeling of weakness or insecurity when I feel this way so use it to drive me.
So hopefully you have a little better understanding of what you may be feeling too. I explained Impostor Syndrome by name to an acquaintance the other night who had been promoted and felt overwhelmed and insecure. He felt better after realizing this is a thing, and is very common. The take away here is to take that feeling and use it to motivate you to keep taking those small steps to learn, internalize the new feelings, and grow into the person/husband/lover/employee you want to be. Because one day you’ll get there.