One of the continuous things I see is married dudes being dissatisfied with their sex lives. If that’s you take what little comfort you can in knowing that it’s very common. You can find many forums out there on the topic, or articles written:
- Reddit r/DeadBedrooms
- Talk About Marriage – Sex in Marriage (many topics but lack of sex a big one)
- Married Man Sex Life forum
There’s also been a million posts on the subject, a recent good read is Rational Male’s Wives and Lovers post. As an example, This post at r/DeadBedrooms is all too common. Both husband and wife share responsibility for sex, and likely both sides need to raise their game. However, as the man, you need to lead to get there. It may or may not happen, but if you’re reading this blog, you likely know you can only control your actions, so let’s flesh out a few things to see if it can help your situation.
There’s a myriad of reasons why sexy times are not happening including medication, birth control, health issues, stress, kids, sleep quality, self-confidence, electronic devices, communication, attention, and general attraction issues (among likely dozens more). If you and your partner are both generally healthy, and can rule out medication (many antidepressants are known libido killers) then it starts to behoove you men out there to both look further and start behaving differently. Don’t rule out birth control influencing the hormones as well (see this post I did a while back on the topic). But assuming BC is a neutral issue, here are where I see the biggest behavior issues that impact sex lives. I’ve written about some of these in this similar post.
- Not going to bed at the same time (i.e. dude in man cave watching sports, wife goes to bed)
- Not initiating (can’t have sex if you don’t try)
- Not making QUALITY time to spend together without kids (results in lost connection, roommate feel. Note: quality time isn’t spent in front of TV or iPad, but actually interacting and engaging)
- Not regularly touching, hugging, kissing (not a peck in the morning, but an opened mouth kiss, this physical connection is very important)
- Not engaging her mind
- BIG lack of dopamine excitement (i.e. your spouse is bored by you, despite what a good man you are. Flirt a little. Be playful and sexual. Get out of your routine)
- Not looking as good as you could (if you’re 100# overweight, attraction is likely an issue)
- Big elephants (drinking/drugs, some major trust issues where you’ve messed up big)
- Too much TV or electronic devices that suck time
- The man is not seen as the family leader, but as an extra child to care for
I’m a big fan of Athol Kay’s Primer as far as getting to an improved sex life, and cover that topic in my own way in my book as well. The bottom line is many men are trying to logic and nice their way into a better sex life, when many need to improve themselves in some area and most importantly start being the cocky, funny bad boy more often. You HAVE to find ways to get out of the boring married couple life and manufacture some dopamine in your spouse. That’s the hormone that keeps things exciting. And that’s the thing that is missing in many, many, many marriages and keeping men especially from getting the sex life they want.
Biologically we want sex. A lot. And often we don’t really want to work for it. We get revved up quickly. See your wife coming out of the shower? Boner. See your wife getting her thong on while she’s getting ready for work? Boner. That’s us. Most of us are lazy and often don’t consider that our wife works differently. We would hope she’d be DTF everytime we want, but we forget they aren’t wired like that. We need to engage their mind, and be playful and romantic yet in charge. It’s a dance that we often forget about after 5, 10, 15, or 20 years of marriage.
To boil things down, here are some recommendations that I feel are universal:
- Take care of yourself. Get strong, get fit, stop smoking, look as good as you can. Get mentally calm and happy through meditation or some other way.
- Find a passion or hobby in your life outside of your family. Fulfillment brings positive energy to you, which you then bring back to your wife and kids.
- Be a leader in your house, use the positive energy to have fun and direct the ship.
- Start engaging your wife more through kisses, touching, talking. Find out her love language and reconnect. Make her look at you differently and do whatever you can to spark that dopamine in her again. Stop accepting the roommate role as par for the course and she likely will as well.
- Initiate, initiate, initiate. Warm her up, get her laughing, get her turned on. Take what she gives you, even boring sex. Get in the habit of connecting as a couple and do your best to get past the rejection and stay positive.
- Turn off the electronic devices/TV and go up to bed earlier and just hang out together. Make this a habit and watch your connections with each other improve.
Obviously, those are complex things with many variations and themes. Even if you do these perfectly, there is no guarantee of success translating in the bedroom, though your life will still be better. The other person is always a wild card. But if you step up your game, make small steps each day to live the life you want and be the man (or woman) you want to be, your sex life hopefully will fall into place as well. Hopefully you have a partner who feels the same way; that married life isn’t a life without quality sex in frequent enough quantity.