I talk with married men both in real life and online and see a number of patterns emerge. First, many men are dissatisfied with the quantity of sex. Maybe the quality too, I’m not exactly sure, but it’s hard to be pissed about the quality, when you don’t have much to compare it to. It’s like, you’re out in the desert, and someone hands you a bottle of water, and you’re complaining because it’s not Evian. It just doesn’t happen. If you’re drinking gallons of water all the time, maybe then you might complain about it having an off flavor, but not if you’re thirsty since any water is good water.
Anyway, while both sides share the blame, husbands (or the high-desire spouse) can often be their own worst enemy, doing things that either don’t get them to the launch pad, abort the launch process, or self-destructing once in the act of launching.
Some things to avoid:
- Not initiating –Many have been rejected so much that they don’t even bother initiating. You may be a better person now. Maybe you’ve lost weight or feel better about yourself, but the remnants of the old rejection haven’t gone away. Therefore, real or imagined obstacles settle into your brain, paralyzing your actions. So instead of there maybe not having sex, by not initiating you’ve guaranteed there won’t be any tonight.
- Not going to bed when your spouse does –Yeah, it’s a swell ball game on television, and your wife is tired before you. That happens in our house frequently, as I’m more of a night owl and my wife is more of a morning person. But if you don’t go to bed at the same time, you won’t have that bonding experience or have the opportunity to create intimacy, and you won’t be having sex tonight. Now maybe you’re more in the routine of morning sex as a real option, but for me, this is a much less frequent occurrence what with morning routines and young, unpredictable kids.
- Perceived “no’s” versus actual “no” –Coming back to the rejection idea. You feel the moon has to be shining in the window just the right way, and she has to have had a good day, and the kids will need to be in bed early, and she has to have exactly 2.0 glasses of wine, then she’ll be in the mood to say “yes.” Stop putting conditions on when or how you are initiating. Most days are not fairy tale or perfect. She and you will not always be “green lights,” sometimes one or both will be yellow. She may say “I’m tired.” Or “I am not in the mood.” Those are not “no’s,” those are just some light excuses. Now I’m not saying she won’t give you a hard “No,” but she hasn’t yet, so don’t pull the eject handle on yourself. Women especially get turned on when their man has passion for them. When their husband is so turned on and NEEDS to have sex with their woman or they’ll explode. If you meekly ask if she’s in the mood, what do you think she’s going to say? Grow a pair, sidle up to her and get her in the mood. Initiate overtly, not covertly. Maybe she’ll get in the mood, maybe she won’t, but until she says “No” it’s really a “maybe.”
- Ignoring non-verbal communication, circumstance –She tells you she’s not in the mood, but she’s had a couple glasses of wine, and has been laughing and spending quality time with you all night. Like 3) above, this isn’t a “no” by any means. And maybe she’s even initiating in her own way, giving you non-verbal clues. Why women do that is unknown to me, but I miss my wife’s non-verbal signals all the time. Just being aware that she may be open, and willing, but isn’t going to say it directly is something that many men miss.
- Taking things too seriously – You’re progressing towards sex, and your wife says something like how your breath stinks or how you are massaging her wrong or whatever. Instead of reacting negatively to the comment due to a bruised ego, or her unintentionally deflating the desire balloon, or ruining the moment, just roll with it and laugh it off. If you respond negatively, you could very well blow the whole thing up. More than likely, your spouse didn’t mean anything by it, so let go minor off-comments or bad-jokes without taking them seriously.
- Not taking what is given to them – Maybe you were flirting in the morning, talking about some nighttime fun to come. But when you actually get through the day, pay bills, get the kids to practice, and finally get in bed that flirting seems like it happened in another life. So maybe you were thinking about hot sex, with all the bells and whistles that evening, but in reality, all your spouse has the ability to do is be into you enough to let you have mannequin sex with her. Take it, and enjoy it. She’s showing you she loves you by letting you use her for your own pleasure. Now if she always lies back and thinks of England that’s a problem. But if this is not the norm, and she’s giving herself to you, smile, enjoy yourself, and stop making a big deal about how it isn’t as hot as what you had built up in your mind.
Building desire and improving your sex life are topics for another day, as are all the other things that impact hormones and attraction. But if you aren’t having the sex frequency you want, at least stop being your own worst enemy and shooting yourself in the foot. And if you have emotions of frustration about the situation, please use that as a signal to improve things where you can. Lose weight, have some man friends (many men are sorely lacking in male friends and masculine hobbies) that get you out of the house. And so forth. Be positive and make small improvements. You know the drill. When you stop accepting mediocrity in your existence you’ll find you’ll improve your perceptions and confidence, your family life will improve, and your sex life will improve. Funny isn’t it?