I’m actually a little surprised I haven’t yet seen this (doesn’t mean it’s not out there, just haven’t yet seen this on the manosphere from my regular reads…)…
Here at AMD, we’re all about peace on earth, good will towards men. But we know there are some motherfuckers who you can’t stand who you’re obligated to buy gifts for. If you have a gift exchange, or anonymous opportunity, I have the perfect gift for you. The mother fuckin’ Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears guaran-fuckin-teed to blow out someone’s ass. Best part is, they’re good for even your non-sugar, paleo/diabetic friends!
Let me set this up. Ole Melanie in accounting has been riding you all year. She’s really chapping your ass, sort of like ole Cousin Eddie from Vacation (shitter’s full).
You’re obligated to put into the blind fucking gift exchange with a bunch of people you’d rather run over than help out of a jam. What do you do? You fuck them up…with this Ninja Bomb:
Looks pretty innocent enough, but let’s read some of the reviews:
What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can’t be all my s***. There’s no way. That’s not my s***. That’s s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I’ve eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I’m worried the war veteran below me thinks he’s storming Normandy again.
Nice… or this:
Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans.
Good start to your holidays. How about this for your favorite frenemy?:
These are Satan. Bears.
Myself and a few buddys, after laughing about some reviews, decided to buy some. Weapon storage was all it was. The package came a few days later, amd we chuckled and tried some.
These mother frickers are fabulous. The taste is like having a package of skittles pee on your tastebuds. Truly astounding. So, as they are delicious, I decided to eat a few more. And then some more. Nothing really happened that night. A little bloating, some discomfort, nothing to fret about. So, praising the nine that I must have been one who can tolerate the sugar substitute, when i got to work the next day, i sat down with a bowl and chowed down.
That night. Oh God forgive that night.
I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When i wasnt experiencing Satans fury exploding from my rear, i was laying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. Im a 280 pound man. I. Was. Sobbing.
When it was finally over, i couldnt move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat, motionless, until my dehydration finally required that i drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is absolutely, 100% true.
Eat two at a time. Three if you’re brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE.
Don’t worry, there are only 25 more pages of these marvels on Amazon
of hilarious reviews if you don’t believe me.
Your mother-in-law been bustin’ your chops? You have an ex-girlfriend who’s been trying to get back together, but you want her to slowly die on the toilet? This is the perfect gift! Need a day off at the office? Put out a bowl of these from “anonymous” in the lunch room! You’re welcome!