As you bind your life to someone, and go through all the adventures that life has to offer (especially kids), things obviously change. They don’t tell you when you’re in the throws of passion early on that time will change that. You don’t believe people when they say that marriage changes your sex life. You don’t believe the cliche’s and think you’ll be the exception to the rule. Regardless of whether you’re having a lot or a little sex, your sex life will never be a static endeavor… unless you always do date night on the same night with a bang at the end (like one of my friend’s parents).
Sex Life Phases:
Besides the honeymoon phase, you have the just moved in phase, the trying to get pregnant phase, the sex while pregnant phase, the sex after birth of a kid phase, the exhausted phase (after a kid), and settling back into sex life after the kids are a little older. Later there’s sex while teenagers are in the house, sex as empty-nesters, sex with an extended illness, sex with a death in the family… and on and on. I firmly believe sex is a foundational marriage pillar, along with love, respect, and personal integrity. But as life flexes and ebbs and flows, so must our sex lives. So many get stuck into a stagnant roommate phase, maybe even sexless by definition (less than 10 times a year), and can’t bust out.
I’ve been following the story of Liza at blog Always Each Other (definitely NSFW) for awhile. From her first post:
We’ve been together nearly 20 years. We dated for a few years before we got married and our sex life was good, punctuated by moments of greatness. We never had an incredibly high level of frequency, though. And from there it went downhill. Sometimes bad shit happens in a marriage, and no matter what it is, it takes its toll. The toll it took for us was to curtail the fucking. To all outward appearances we had a perfect union. Goes to show that you never know what happens behind the bedroom door. It wouldn’t be going too far to say that we had a nearly sexless marriage for going on 10 years.
… [later after sexual feelings returned following a medical procedure]
Something broke inside me that night and whatever feelings started to flow again thankfully have only become stronger. Since April we’ve fucked at least a couple hundred times, using our average of 5 times a week as a guide. And we’re still making up for lost time.
It’s always been each other. And it always will be. I really think we’ve been through the worst and come out the other side fucking and sucking with the best. More than we ever did at our height in the early days. We may be an old married couple, but we’re having the hottest, dirtiest, most exciting sex of our lives. And I can’t wait to tell you all about it.
She was in a sexless marriage for 10 years, she got laid down an ultimatum by her husband to get her part of their sex life in order, which she did and for most of the last 2.5 years it sounded very spirited. Her libido had returned with a vengeance, but recently (as in the last few months) it left again and she and her husband are once again struggling with changing sex life.
I think all we can do is try our best and acknowledge and sometimes even embrace our flaws and our partner’s flaws. The winds of change are always blowing. We can sometimes influence them, but sometimes they have a mind of their own. It’s not wrong to expect a healthy partner (one who takes care of their body and mind) and not wrong to expect a healthy sex life, but recognize sometimes shit happens and we have to ride that gust. Remember those vows? In sickness and health. For Richer for poorer. In good times and bad. It doesn’t mean someone gets a free pass for life to be a lazy douche or a frigid cow, but if they are mostly doing well by you, mostly things are solid (including your sex life) then free passes for life’s circumstances are part of the game, and go both ways. For the guys, learn to be the best man you can be (and check out Athol’s stuff). For the ladies, if you don’t have sex on your mind with your husband, at least be open to it. Sometimes the best solution is simply to do it, as they say at Nike.