I’ve been reading What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire by Daniel Bergner, and it’s got some interesting sciency type stuff that supports female hypergamy, mating and evolutionary psychology. I’ll probably do a more detailed write-up at some point. Nothing too earth shattering but interesting to see that the human animal isn’t very different from other species in how they behave.
Like the book Mating in Captivity it also has anecdotal discussions of what women want from various surveys and studies. Both these books, as well as other resources such as this small survey result in Sex in Marriage Blog show that the feminist-type teaching of emotional, tender, loving, gentle sex, asking for permission, asking if it feels good if I do this, is usually bullshit. One example in the What Do Woman Want book is of a woman who’s fiance was all sensual with flower petals and candles and how, despite him being tall, dark and handsome, she was not turned on. She still pined to some extent for a more Alpha male who was more dominant with her with regards to sex. This theme is played out and supported throughout the realm.
The Sex in Marriage blog, a christian website with married couples as their primary audience, noted (and I have no idea how many participants they had in this survey):
What style of sex to do you prefer?
- Gentle (slow, rhythmic): 32%
- Not-so-gentle (faster, harder): 61%
- Rough (spanking, hair-pulling): 7%
No shit. Like Cheap Trick said, I want you to want me. It is very satisfying to be desired so much that your partner basically goes all Animal on you. It’s different from the sex because of biological needs (AKA the release) versus feeling lustful and out of control because of your desire for your partner. It’s a major turn on for men and women. Along with this comes the dominant behavior, the harder, faster sex noted above, pinning her arms above her head, maybe a little ass grabbing.
Like 50 Shades supports, along with romance fantasy novels and various anecdotal discussions on dominance and fantasy, women want to be dominated. The rape fantasy is discussed in What Do Women Want? and it’s not about being raped that turn these women’s crank, but the idea that a man is so filled with desire that he has to have the woman. It’s a fantasy about dominance, and it’s a fantasy that she can control. Treading lightly here, but as a husband, there can be ways to bring this vibe into the bedroom and spice things up, but it’s not something that is a flip of the switch. You need to be the leader and dominant in other aspects of your life and marriage and carry that over if you want to make that approach work.
One of the hottest sex scenes in a movie was the stair scene in A History of Violence with Viggo Mortensen. I’m going off of memory here as I set this up… Edie just finds out that her husband was a former killer. Obviously very conflicted emotions but part of her realizes that he’s a major Alpha to the highest degree. Be warned if you haven’t seen it, the scene starts out very violent – it starts at 3:23 of the clip (the intro is the other major sex scene in the movie, unrelated to what I’m referring to but cheerleader fantasy!).
My point in this post isn’t to encourage you to try this type of approach, or to play with fire in this manner, but simply to make it known that women say they want one thing (emotional connection, sweet gentle lovin’) but many want something a little (or maybe a lot) harder or rougher than that. They want to know they turn you on and that you sometimes can’t control yourself around them. They want to, at least sometimes, be fucked hard and with enthusiasm instead of being made love to. It will always be a balance, but dominance is sexy. Desire is a turn on. But even in a stable relationship, it’s often hard to discuss this. That if she tells you she wants to be desired uncontrollably and dominated, it sort of defeats the purpose. Quite the paradox.