I’m about 2 years into my red pill marital journey. A lot has changed. I’ve added 20 lbs of mostly muscle in that time to go from skinny-fat to now where random acquaintances commenting on my muscles. I went from a vegetarian (for a year) to buying sides of beef and whole hogs. I’ve gone from mostly beta husband who acquiesced many things to his wife, to a mostly balanced (to slightly alpha) husband who leads the family in most manners. I’m not sure in most social settings I’ll be confused for the AMOG, but I am transitioning to being head of our office, and lead my project teams with strong direction at work; and lead my family with fairly strong direction at home. It’s been a good change and one that my wife Holly can stand behind, and as a result things have been very positive in our marriage for the last 18 months or so. But I still beta backslide occasionally, and it sucks for all parties.
Life circumstances sometimes prevents my wife and I from spending as much time as we want together, or having as much sex as we want. Work travel and general exhaustion are probably the primary factors, along with other extracurricular activities that are a high priority such as morning weight or exercise sessions. Unfortunately, when this occurs, I sometimes act like I have a head injury from some blunt trauma and revert back to a whiny bitch. Even when I see it coming from a mile away I can’t help myself. It’s so unattractive and Holly has seen it enough to roll with it and call me out on it. That usually cuts through the punch-drunk fog like ammonia smelling salts and I can get back to normal, but the beta is still there, lurking under the surface.
We had one of these dry spells this last week, where Holly was exhausted and falling asleep early on the couch, sometimes before the kids, all. week. long. It would hit her like a ton of bricks and she’d simply pass out. Narcolepsy-like symptoms. She wasn’t doing it to avoid spending time with me, but I was still generally frustrated by lack of connection (both physical and mental) with her. She fell asleep Friday super early. Then she fell asleep Saturday super early, woke up when I took the dog out around 10 pm and was more or less awake after a couple hours of sleep, as we headed off to bed, where she snuggled up to me. We hadn’t spent time together all week, I wanted her to overtly initiate, to make the move, to make up for what was her “fault” for ignoring me all week. However, even though I KNOW she rarely (can’t remember the last time) overtly initiates, I want her to and picture in my head how it should go. When my headspace is bad, I beta backslide and the subtle initiation somehow isn’t good enough.
I talked about how, and I still can’t believe the Mr. Hyde Beta came to life to say this, I want her to want me. Sometimes that’s more important than the sexual connection itself.
So we had some weird conversations about this, about lack of connection, about how I was acting like a wimp (and I knew I was acting like a pussy but still couldn’t stop myself), and we both dealt pretty well with minor hurt feelings and misunderstandings and pushed through this to at least have some very mediocre sex on my part. Still dealing with PE issues, and after a week of no sex, lasted about 30 seconds.
The result of clearing the air was that it was a fresh start the next day. I had a great day hanging out with a friend doing guy stuff, enjoyed some family time, a glass or two of bourbon and then initiated in a much better mindset. Still robbed her of a big “O”, (I’m not happy about that, and don’t want it to become a habit which it sort of is unfortunately-I haven’t let it get me down too much, but it must be frustrating to her. She’s been sweet and patient though, which I’m thankful for) but we ended the weekend on a much better note than when it began.
So, still need to put the beta-werewolf to sleep when it comes out every fortnight instead of giving in. Need to continue to remind myself that how I want my wife to behave is something I can’t control and she comes at things from a different vantage point and background than me, and I simply need to respond and behave in a manner consistent with that. Maybe one day I’ll become the man I want to become, in the meantime though, I’ll continue to chip away at it little by little.