So a couple nights ago, I was reading MMSL forums and got stabby mad. I don’t like to poach off of Athol’s forums, but I just can’t help myself in this instance, the thread in question. It’s basically about a guy who woke his wife up to his fathering ability by threatening to walk away from the her and leave her with 100% custody of the kids. His rationale was that she didn’t see how good she had it since he pulled a lot of parental weight, and that would “teach her” if she thought she’d get to have a lot of girl’s night out with split custody. A lot of fail there by this individual, but that wasn’t necessarily what tripped my trigger. You know how you just sort of float through life thinking one thing, but then realize that there was a flip side you never even thought about? This was one of those things..
I recognize that divorce is common and that if kids are involved shared custody is really the best of a bad situation. What struck me out of left field though was the cavalier idea that one would get divorced as a primary reason to purposely get away from their kids and have a more fulfilling personal life. :HeadExplodes: I’m not always father of the year material, but I can’t imagine a life where I would purposely blow up my family and especially, purposely leave my kids, without major reason just to have more “fun”. The idea laid out had this line of logic with how his wife would progress towards divorce:
- Woman in question is friends with a divorced mom
- Divorced mom is having the time of her life since now she only has kids half the time and is free to PARTY and get male validation (i.e. get back on the cock carousel) again after being married to some boring nice stable guy
- As is common, most divorces are initiated by women, per wiki:
According to a study published in the American Law and Economics Review, women have filed slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the United States. There is some variation among states, and the numbers have also varied over time, with about 60% of filings by women in most of the 19th century, and over 70% by women in some states just after no-fault divorce was introduced, according to the paper. Evidence is given that among college-educated couples, the percentage of divorces initiated by women is approximately 90%.
- Woman in question also has a boring, nice stable guy and her friend has an exciting life and it sounds way easier than having the kids and all that kids have to offer…err.. grind you down with full time parenting
- Woman initiates divorce cuz grass is greener, LOLz
What usually happens in this scenario is unless the woman is under 30, she’s getting close to the wall and after being used and abused by alphacockdrummer she either ends up with a similar situation settling back down with stable regular dude, similar type nice guy (net gain of zero for her, negative for any kids) or ends up alone and bitter after her looks start to fail and she realizes the grass isn’t greener. Meanwhile, said man/ex-husband may be crushed short term, but often realize that after getting back into shape they have much more options, younger and hotter options than their ex-wife, and are usually ok if they can avoid a second marriage/second divorce cycle that is actually really common.
I’ve read books on Divorce and my wife Holly is a child of divorce herself. As a child of parents who are still together, I didn’t have the perspective of what it does to children and maybe others don’t either. According to The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study, divorce was described ominously as “ending of childhood” in so many words by most of the children of divorce they studied. I read this book months ago and that statement still stuck with me. Even if you have a great relationship post divorce with your ex-wife, the kids are still missing out on a full parenting relationship with their parents. Throw in step-parents who don’t have nearly the bond with the kids, or step-siblings who then take attention away from your kids and instead have that bond with their own parents, and I believe you have a powder-keg potential for issues with your kids and how they deal with the whole separate parents/divorce situation. They can still have productive adulthoods, but will likely have scars they carry their entire life. Many do have issues growing up as they seek attention in poor ways (drug use, drinking, promiscuity, etc.) since they are dealing with not having a complete family (importance on what a dad brings in this issue… do you think it’s any coincidence that the stripper Meme is “daddy issues”?)
Like I said, there are legitimate reasons to divorce and I think we have a right to be happy in this life. But I also believe many people take divorce too lightly, or really, the idea of marriage. Every marriage has ups and downs, personal sacrifices for the betterment of the kids and spouse, as well as emotional and communication breakdowns. But raising kids in a house with both involved parents provides the best opportunity for structural integrity and emotional health of the kids as they transition to adolescents and then adults. To have the cavalier attitude that it’s all about you is horseshit. There’s repercussions of chasing that new guy or girl that reverberate throughout your kids lives. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it.
It’s better to try and make your marriage work at all costs before pulling the plug. There may be certain dealbreakers that you draw the line, which is fine, but if your contemplating jumping ship because things are boring, and not exciting and you don’t get the tingles from your husband, that’s a poor reason and on you. Take the time to personally reflect how you are at fault and try to improve those areas… try to be sexy and fit and someone who is worth falling in love with again. I am flawed, my wife is flawed, but we’re trying to work on our flaws individually and together constantly. Our eyes are open to what the other possibility is if we don’t. But at the end of the day, we can only control ourselves, sometimes our partner can’t or won’t come along.
My wife mentioned that though she regularly reads this blog, she hasn’t read the definition of Red Pill and doesn’t really know what it means. My response to that is in the context of marriage, it is realizing that marriage is not a fairy tale Disney will have you believe, and removing that illusion that “you should love me no matter what”. It means life takes effort, and you need to work on yourself and marriage and your kids and give due attention to keeping things stable but at the same time keeping and building attraction between the two of you. In doing so, you set an example for your kids and keep the marriage in tact and give a better chance of having kids turn out without major structural flaws. Versus giving up on yourself, your spouse and having a crap shoot with how the kids will turn out.