I don’t have a thesis on this subject or anything, but just sort of pondering here on the subject of opposite sex interaction as well as why were attracted to certain people but not others…(I’m sure I’m seeing some blank stares and groans as AMD talks about marital indiscretions once again!)
I’m a married guy, so while I may sometimes ogle young nubile women with the best of them, I have a certain filter, shield or perspective where I feel I’m merely looking like a National Geographic photographer would view some physical animal specimens. Nice to look at, but that’s really it. When interacting with women, I have that same general guarded approach. I’m mostly a serious guy but will occasionally goof around with friend’s wives or neighbors or sometimes coworkers, but always the shields are up as I “Mate Guard” (as they say) myself. I think many of the EA’s (and then blow up to physical affairs) start out are due to a number of things: 1) Not getting the dopamine fix from their spouse… boredom – even if the rest of the marriage is “good” and 2) When interacting with the opposite sex, the shields go down and these individuals go from being acquaintances, friends, or coworkers, into that special place in the inner circle of your mind. When that happens, a line starts to be crossed that starts the path of potential emotional affair. It’s the minor difference of goofing on a buddy’s wife vs. flirting with a buddy’s wife… depends on intent and perspective on both sides and could be benign or could be starting to tread in dangerous waters.
I think most most married couples want to be happy with the people they married unless there is obvious cancers in the other person. Even if things aren’t spicy anymore, there’s a long term comfort that comes with being married. And when you trust and rely on your partner and are familiar with the life you live together, that is often enough of a foundation to build a solid marriage upon. Both of my parents, as well as Hollys’ Dad and Step Mom, have been married for a long time, and will never get divorced. They may not be the most exciting marriages or people, but at some point you simply have to trust you’ll stay together and your partner will be true to you. The ‘Sphere idea that all women (your wife) are ready to follow their hypergamous tendencies and jump on the next Alpha cock that shows interest in her is overblown in this guy’s opinion. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discount this completely, or slack off in being a man and leader your wife and family should have, and continue to press for the marriage you want, but not to get so paranoid about this idea that she’s out looking for some hot sex with someone else.
That’s not to say that guarded interactions for yourself shouldn’t be the standard though. Both my wife and I do business development in some form, are dealing with clients, vendors, coworkers and other interested parties at events around the country. We travel, stay in hotels, stay out late usually drinking and deal with professional people of both sexes, some of who are attractive. If you don’t have some subconscious shield up or have strong morals, these environments are ripe for poor decisions. I know that I’ve had opportunities to make bad decisions in these circumstances in the face of both overt and covert maneuvers by overserved peers or acquaintances (and I’m sure Holly has seen this too), but have always remained true. I thought the movie Cedar Rapids (funny flick by the way) did a pretty accurate portrayal of a work conference (though obviously a little embellished to make it a good movie) and what sometimes goes on. My wife and I have talked about some of the pairing off that occurs at these things and sort of shake our heads about “some people”.
Anyway, back to the point I was taking a long, meandering road towards – Attraction. I think the upper echelon of men and women will be attractive to the opposite sex no matter what. Usually they’re really good looking, or have other physical features (big boobs, muscles, low body fat) that overcome minor physical imperfections. Beyond that top shelf, who people find attractive is a total crap shoot. I don’t have a “type” necessarily, and have dated different ethnicities, heights, body types, hair color and so forth and found them all attractive at the time. Lately though, I just seem to find fairly significant physical flaws in most women I interact with on any sort of basis, with the sole exception being my wife (who I’m like:
except with power boner added to that picture!)
But obviously some men find these women attractive. They have boyfriends and husbands and have found their version of love and are happily married or are in long-term relationships. They all seem to match up in body/sex rank I guess and maybe it’s simply that they are lower rank than I’m willing to find attractive.
For women finding men attractive is a little more complex than simply physical attraction, though that’s a part of it. Women want a confident, successful and socially dominant man, as much of this as they can get with whatever package she brings to the table. That attraction can go up or down depending on what you do as a man, how you behave, how fat or slim or muscular you become. That’s why it’s important to never slide too far or to be too supplicating since your attractiveness to your wife who sees this will plummet. Don’t discount confidence and cocky funny. Danny from the 504 seems to be king of this approach despite average looks. His personality sets him apart, he’s a fun writer and he seems like a cool guy. What’s interesting though is that your same “regular dad or husband” behavior may be new and exciting and different to some other “new” woman and trigger tingles, but you’re just boring dog meat to your wife who has grown complacent towards you.
With a sample size of one, I can say without a doubt that as I’ve matured from junior high to high school to college and to adulthood, and gained life skills, confidence and muscular weight (I was always the 98 lb weakling growing up), the quality of girl/women I was able to date went up accordingly. When I was a beta-nerd-wimp with no confidence, I dated some real dogs. No joke. My first pseudo-Jr. High girlfriend was ugly with acne. I was no prince either, with my photochromatic eyeglasses, braces and 85 lbs of awkward. With each step up I made as a person, the better ranked girls I could pull, culminating with my now wife. She laughs at my older pictures and I’m always thankful that we met as adults instead of as kids, since her perspective otherwise would have been forever skewed.
So while I’m trying to be attractive to my wife, I also want to be one of the better looking people around. There’s really only so much I can do about my height (I’m relatively short) but I can continue to get bigger and stronger, be confident and be more outgoing and do more interesting things/hobbies. Always room for improvement…