Unless you’re Ian Underwood and work in the porn business as self-appointed sexpert, you likely have a boring-ass job. Accountant, engineer, lawyer, IT guy, account executive, something in finance… boring boring boring boooorrring. When you’re talking with new people it’s always the same fucking questions: where are your from, are you married, what do you do for a living, how many kids, how long have you lived here. Like an interview. People don’t care. They don’t care you were tops in sales for your small firm last month. That you can troubleshoot some machine because you graduated from some state school with a mechanical engineering degree. They’re just being nice. They are just playing the social convention game. Screw that noise!
If you’re running Game, you’d at least be original and memorable instead of another shade of khaki that blends with all the others. If you realize people don’t really care what you do, you can really have fun with it. Here’s a few bits that I’ve answered in the past, or have at the ready if I’m in the mood. Some I may have stolen from other’s in the ‘sphere, so forgive me. Also, I use some of my solitary activities like running to hone these thoughts to be able to make them sparkle. It leads to way more interesting conversation and interaction when you’re not just another office jockey.
1) Demolitions expert – I get to travel around the world blowing up stuff. Like bridges and buildings. I’m one of the worlds’ demotions expert. See I started out as a structural engineer, got involved with a botique firm that does “deconstruction” or “implosion” or “controlled demolition” as we say in the industry and you first need to know how a building goes up before it comes down. If you want to play it straight, you could add some further details (RDX is the explosive used – cyclotrimethylenetrinitramine), if you want to play it fun and light make up things you blew up (I like to say the old Estadio Olimpic soccer stadium in Santiago, Chile – a reference to Something About Mary – just down the street from the Centinto Catayente Towers).
2) Astronaut – (I know this bit is stolen from someone, if it’s you let me know and I’ll credit it as it’s really fun) You like to travel in your space car, up to your space station, you know, to get away from it all. Make sure you pack your space lunch, complete with freeze dried astronaut ice cream for dessert. Who knows, maybe you’ll take them up to check out your space station some time.
3) Fashion Designer – In this bit, you’re going incognito and dressing down to the masses. Also, you can talk about how easy pickin’s are with all the models and the fact that all the hair dressers and makeup artists and other designers are all gay, you’re like the last gunslinger out there. Plus, you can drop some great Zoolander quotes from time to time (like you invented the piano-key neck tie, how your new Derilict campaign is coming out, and that Hansel is so hot right now, Hansel).
4) Physicist – You’ve heard of the Hadron Collider? I invented it. Cold Fusion? Yep, that’s me. What, you don’t know what cold fusion is? You must be too busy tweeting about [insert dumb show or celebrity here, The Bachelor works] to know that is, but it will revolutionize the world. It’s basically a nuke-u-lar (make sure you say nuclear like George W. Bush for effect) reaction at room temperature. This will be how you’ll be powering your rocket car to take you to your space station in the future.
Bottom line is to have fun with it, whether it’s at a boring work function or you’re out sarging babes on a Friday night with your bros, this is a better way to answer the most boring of all questions. It doesn’t matter if you’re a black market guns dealer or a trainer for the U.S. Curling Team, just make up a story and have fun with it. I’m seriously one of the most straight laced, limited-humor dudes you’ll meet, and if I can do this so can you. More than likely, you’ll never see them again anyway. It’s hard to play straight for too long, but stay in character for awhile if you can. It makes for a much more interesting conversation and can be a fun way to mess with people if you continue to play it straight for some buttoned up lawyer as eventually they’ll just leave in a huff. It’s also easier to transition into topics that are interesting to you, especially if they are bantering a little and playing along.
You could always get into the Loyd Dobler “Say Anything” schtick, and say you’re between jobs but you’re looking…
Life is too serious sometimes, so find ways to lighten up the drudgery. Always wanted to be an architect or marine biologist, Costanza? Now’s your chance, if only for a few minutes.