Last weekend (err.. really it seemed like most of a week, with many starting Thurs. some extending to Sunday) was Garbage Sale Days in our community. We moved to our bedroom community due to a shorter commute, a nice neighborhood and good school district. Overall, our town is pretty affluent, and have a number of nice residential developments that make it a mecca for garage sale snobs and trolls alike.
One week(end) a year, our town gets taken over by crazies making getting on the bus, driving to work and walking my dog an absolute chore. I’m not sure what rock these people crawled out from, but apparently sifting through peoples unwanted belonging is like catnip for these crazy cat ladies (mostly). People come from an hour or two away for this shit. They arrive about 6:30 am scouting out the best spots.
Slamming on brakes to peer into garages while I’m trying to make headway home; double and triple parking in narrow residential streets… backing out onto busy roads without looking… turning U-turns to get that prime parking spot… a special spot in hell is reserved for these fuckers. Feel like parking your truck in my driveway to visit my neighbor’s sale? Go right ahead dickwad! Yes my dog is cute, but don’t pet her you snuggy wearing dillhole who looks like they just wrestled a hobo. I already had MRSA this year, I don’t need it again from you petting my dog. And just because we’re around (playing, doing yard work, whatever) does not mean there is any way in hell you or disgusting kids are using my bathroom.
The best is watching people dicker over junk. Will you take a quarter for this wafflemaker [that’s priced at a $1 to begin with]? Hey, that’s a really nice treadmill [priced at a bargain $50], how about I take it off your hands for $5? And lets get into many of these tards who have a Garage Sale. They put out these huge signs saying “HUGE MULTI-FAMILY GARAGE SALE” and it’s some jam jars, some matted down stuffed animals, the complete Avatar McDonald’s glass set, and some mom-jeans from the 80’s that would fit Roseanne Barr. Seriously I could shart a better garage sale spread than half these people.Used underwear and socks?! Seriously, used underwear (not just kids, but men’s and women’s underwear)!
Or else they’re really nice stuff, but priced like you were shopping at Banana Republic – no better than retail. WTF? Seriously, you’re delusional! You want me to pay $10 for DVDs I’ve never heard of? That Timex watch from 1992 probably isn’t worth $30.
Both Holly and my mom LOOOooove garage sales. They’ll take days off of work to find that bargain of a century. Sometimes my wife does pretty well, but for a minimalist who has nearly everything he could want already, it’s frustrating. I told her if she came home with another fucking rug she’d have to move out. She bought two bags of yarn (she knits and crochets in the winter) for $9 and was so excited because normally they were $6 a skein. Now I know a lot of units of measurement from my schooling from the metric ton to the furlong to a hectare, but I never heard of a skein before.
And let me talk about the brilliance of teaching the kids about money while garage saling. We gave each kid $20 in $1 bills for back allowances and said they could save it for something big, spend it on themselves or even buy mother’s day presents if they so desired. Birdsnest was frugal and spent a whole $0.25 on a three-ring binder to put her papers in (she’s kind of a nerd), but LoudBoy (age 5) spent like a drunken sailor at a whorehouse. What did he spend his money on you ask? Well, despite having about 30 stuffed animals at home, he came home with about another dozen: two big pillow pets, a bunch of various elephants and bears and giraffes and also a giant white cat. He’s a sweet kid, and he was very proud of his purchases, but I just can’t help but picture all the snot and drool that went on these from some other kid. I have to look at the bright side though, maybe he’ll finally stop asking me for the 6′ tall giant teddy bear from Costco.
Personally I’m pretty skeeved to both attend and put on a yard sale. I don’t want people pawing through my old stuff, and find most other people’s things not my style or very weird. Why would people sell makeup at a yard sale? Or “new” jars of lotion? I find the whole thing utterly bizarre. If you put one on, what do you end up making per hour? If you do a two day sale, with the sorting, pricing setup, attendance dealing with the tards asking dumb questions and bargaining, and take down, that’s probably about 30 hours worth of work? Depending on how good of junk you have, let’s say you make $500, that works out to bout $17 per hour. Not bad, but I’d rather have a root canal than put up with the hassle. Instead, you’ll see me on the porch, watching the show with a California margarita (just tequila and lime juice) in my hand. Beats going to the movies!
Now that they’re over, I have to look at all these signs that people forgot to take down which means I’ll have more geniuses driving around my neighborhood looking for the Garage Sale that was over three days ago.
Got any good stories to share, from your garbage sales?