A letter to 17 year old self from me now…

Dear Alex,

Hi, I’ve been able to alter the space time continuum to send you this letter.

The future is pretty awesome.  We don’t yet have flying cars, but we have basically phones that are more awesome than the computers you’ve seen in class, virtual vaginas called “fleshlights” and you remember those hoverboards from the movie Back to the Future?  We’ll pretty much everyone has one of those now… The high-school girls in the future dress a lot sluttier than what you’re seeing now with all the baggy clothes and flannel shirts (they’ll eventually refer to the time you’re in now as the Grunge Era), which will make you want to kick yourself, but what can you do?  By the way, while I know you’ve experienced the joy that is thong underwear on girls at your young age already, you’ll eventually see it’s not that common.  Here in the future, I’d say with many women it’s probably a 50/50 shot that is what they’re wearing, much better odds than in your time.  Unfortunately, many of us in the future are fat. When the movie WALL-E comes out, take note since that’s the way we’re headed.

Anyway, I’m not going to provide the lotto numbers or winning team for any gambling, since that would be too easy. I will say though, put all your available money into Apple computers.  It may take awhile to play out, but trust me on that one.  I’m going to give you some advice from yourself gained at a cost of nearly 20 years of life experience.  I’m hoping that giving you a little advice now will result in an improved experience than what I went through, and allow you to be even happier, have more money in the bank, and more healthy relationships.

First, being you has worked out pretty awesome, but it’s been a lot of grinding at times when it didn’t have to.  You have a hot wife and are usually getting laid a couple times a week.  Not bad huh?  Oh, and you remember those thong underwear I talked about, she likes to wear those a lot of the time.  You’re still in good shape, but weigh probably close to 50 pounds heavier than you do now.  Don’t worry, it’s all muscle.  You have a house that you could have only dreamed about as a kid, and are pretty financially solvent and on the right track.  AND, you have two beautiful and intelligent and sweet kids, so like I said, you end up pretty awesome.

Now to the advice part. That girlfriend you’re with now?  Enjoy it while you can, it was a fun ride being in HS and having a girlfriend without too many real cares in the world.  But when she starts to act crazy, and before you head off to college, you need to dump her and move on already.  Second, you don’t have to move 300 miles out -of-state to a school that charges more “to find yourself” and to prove to yourself you can make it in a new environment and make new friends and reinvent yourself.  You’ll eventually realize that the out-of-state tuition isn’t worth it and your state school in your backyard is just as awesome.  You’ll likely have some different experiences than I did as a result, but the friendships you make there and the family you have are the most critical life relationships that you’ll have, not the expensive school people who you stay in touch with but aren’t close.

Let’s see… what else can I tell you that will be valuable along your life journey…start playing guitar as soon as you can.  While you eventually learn how to play a little for fun, you could be a lot better if you started earlier.  Same with judo.  Also, when something called Brazillian Jiu Jitsu hits your area, sign up.  It’s a lot like the wrestling you’re doing now, but with submission. With that and a little striking you’ll be a complete bad ass.  Also, with your lifting, you need to squat more, and ass-to-grass, not this half-way shit that you call a squat now.  Finally on the health front, don’t take up smoking. Yeah, I know you think it’s gross now, but follow the path I did and you’ll be smoking half a pack, sometimes a whole pack a day.  Gross, and a complete waste of money.

Your major and path you took through school is solid and fits who you are, so no issues there.  Do what you can to not get into as much credit card debt as possible, that was a mistake.  Also, when you do start to work, try and put more money away for retirement than what I did.  It should hurt a little, but once you get used to the smaller paycheck, it’s relatively easy.  That’s really the only financial advice I’ll give, as you’ll learn the rest through your research (hint – check out the teachings of Jack Bogle as soon as you get a chance).

As far as women go, use this time to enjoy the fruits of young, nubile women that live in your area, since my path followed one with too many long distance relationships with not a lot of payout.  Stop pining for individual women, stop putting “the pussy on a pedestal” as they say today.  Stop being a nice guy to women in the hopes that they’ll reward you with attention or :gasp: sex, because you are delusional.  It doesn’t work like that, which you’ll eventually realize in your mid-30’s.  If you want to be more of a ladies man, get strong, get confidence, practice your talking skills, work on being more light-hearted, funny and cocky.  Look at the guys you’re jealous of now?  Are they nice guys, or are they kind of dicks?  You don’t have to be a dick, but you need to be less like a lap dog and more like a funny lab that’s sniffing crotches with that goofy smile on your face.  And always have protection, don’t trust the ladies to take care of that or you might be faced with an “oops” you didn’t intend.

Don’t be afraid to take risks.  That’s how you’ll eventually meet your wife.  I don’t want to give it away, but follow your instincts and act like a 5 year old around women (think along the lines of pulling their hair, teasing them, that type of thing), especially one you’ll meet on a field trip.

Those general rules of ladies man above apply before, during and after you get married.  Be the leader of the relationship, be a MAN!  What will happen if you don’t and just go along with the flow without taking that leadership role is that she’ll lose respect for you and when she loses respect for you she’ll lose attraction to you and when she loses attraction to you, the sex will dry up.  True story. She may not even realize this is going on, and in some ways may be happy you always do what she wants.  But deep down inside, she won’t respect you. Be the rock.  Don’t get pulled into bowing down and lapdogging for pussy, stand up tall, strong and make your expectations clear.  Do that, take care of your body, have a life outside of her, and you’ll have a strong, healthy marriage with the intimacies that are shared between couples.

Like I said, you’ve built a pretty awesome life, even with the slips, trips and falls you’ve made along the way. But heed my words and you may yet find an even better experience than I did.

Your Future Self,

-Alex

P.S.  I almost forgot, when you get that chinese food with your future wife, and put the leftovers in the back seat of the hot car, and run other errands.  DO NOT EAT THE LEFTOVERS LATER!  I promise you’ll regret that decision if you do.  Peace out!