Hidden Leaves had a short post when I wrote this about being lazy too.
I am not lazy normally, and when I am, I prefer the term unmotivated [Think Dos Equis Meme]. Personality-wise, I am much more Type-A (driven, competitive, hard-working) than I am Type-B. Most of the time I have to be doing something, going from one goal to another. If there isn’t a task to be undertaken, I’ll make something up. The blog here is a result of that.
Even those like me don’t like to work hard all the time. One of the ideas in Game theory is always be opening, or always trying to establish emotional connections with potential partners. As one who is coming late to the party, I’m not trying to ABO or ABC (always be closing), at least with strangers. I tend to be more introverted, though when I’m in the mood I’ll chat up the barrista or checkout girl, the mom or dad in line at the library or wherever. Since I never was one to do a lot of flirting as a younger man, this is relatively new social territory for me and one I’m not especially good at and because of that it takes more effort to make it work. In the Meyers-Briggs personality I am typically INTJ (Introverted, iNtuition, Thinking, Judging) though I typically score on the line of introvert/extrovert (5 to 4 if I remember right). More often than not, I see plenty of opportunities to chat up someone, practice flirting and being an outgoing Alpha guy but pass it up, not because I’m scared (I conduct large public meetings on a regular basis as part of my job duties and am traveling this week and presenting at a national conference), but because I’m lazy and it takes effort. This may not be the perfect illustration of my laziness in daily interaction, but it shows that I can be so much better and improve my own interpersonal relationships with strangers by being less lazy.
At home, with my wife, I have a tendency to gravitate towards that as well if I’m not careful. Holly is not by her nature a touchy-feely sort of person, and while my natural tendency is to be very physical touch (my language if you’ve read the 5 Love Languages book) Previously when I knew less about why I behaved and was less confident, I’d seek out this physical touch and probably came off as needy or smothering at times. As I’m more confident in my own skin I’ve needed less of this, though my language is still Physical Touch and by default will always want more of this than Holly.
Another example of where men and women get lazy is transitioning to a bedroom connection from relaxing on the couch. There is usually a time in the evening where to progress from watching TV or reading a book on the couch together to some quality time in the bedroom it takes a nudge or maybe a shove in the right direction by either husband or wife. When I’m not lazy this little to moderate amount of effort at a minimum leads to some sort of connection back in the bedroom. Sometimes it’s just talking, sometimes just snuggling and connecting that way, and other times it progresses into sex. With me more a night owl and Holly a morning person, sometimes it just seems like too much effort to stop the passive activity (reading, TV watching) in a timely fashion when we’re both not too sleepy and make that connection happen.
After making a concerted effort to improve myself over a period of months in 2011, I began to get a little lazy as well. I didn’t maintain Alpha frame as frequently, press the cocky funny, or continue as healthy a diet or lifestyle. Only relatively recently, and perhaps not coincidentally, with the removal of some of the stresses that our family has felt over the last year, have I gotten back into a groove again. It seems to take constant vigilance on my part to not let past instincts resurface or beta-backslide and lose some of the progress I’ve made. I’m trying to come out of my shell and build a group of things I do on my own that are more social that I enjoy and can get away for a bit such as volunteering for our Parent Teacher Organization, taking a more active role in our gym activities and hanging out with some men from our neighborhood in addition to my regular group of friends.
Anyways, hopefully those out there can also break the mold, get out of the norm, come of your shell and not be so lazy!