Classify this post under Random.
First off, I have a decent sense of humor. I myself am not funny, but I enjoy funny people, and different sorts of humor (example: for movies I like- the in-your-face dumb humor of Dumb and Dumber, to more quirky or dark humor like Big Lebowski, Cable Guy and Raising Arizona are some of my favorites). My wife on the other hand can be pretty funny but certainly has a different sense of humor than me. Case in point: poop is hilarious to her! When conversations with our friends meander into those types of topics, she get’s a second wind and is in her element. She get’s it from her family. Her brothers and dad all think poop is hilarious too. While my humor level is about equal to the average 15 year old boy, her’s is more like a 5 year old boy’s, say like LoudBoy’s. So without further ado, some recent family poop stories, leaving out stories from Holly’s past (and she has some good ones).
One Saturday afternoon, we hear LoudBoy gagging and eventually throwing up in the bathroom. As sick kids and the associated cleanup are not fun, Holly and I go running to the bathroom to assess the situation and render associated aid. LoudBoy, who is sitting on the toilet just finished puking on the floor and is still gagging a little.
“Are you feeling ok?” we ask
“I threw up… it just stinks sooo bad!!” LoudBoy explains.
So essentially, his own poop stank so bad that it made him throw up! A second near-miss occurred the following day, but only gagging that time.
LoudBoy and I took a “Boys Only” camping trip with another friend and his son this summer. Since LoudBoy and I got there early, we decided to take a hike on a more remote trail. Right near our destination, about 2 miles in, he tells me he has to go to the bathroom.
“Ok, let’s just get to the woods a little and you can pee.”
“No Dad, I have to poop!”. Ok, we move him a little further off to the woods, we thankfully hadn’t seen anyone on our hike and didn’t here. He pulls down his pants and underwear, squats and does a masterful poop on the ground. Not bad for the first time pooping “au natural”. Two problems now: one, what does he wipe with and two, while defecating he peed straight onto his underwear and shorts. Do I go with leaves or the double-ply park map I have? Park map makes the most sense, he wipes and litters in the park. Second problem we address by taking his underwear out of his shorts and wrapping them hobo-style around a stick that I carry back with me. He’s then going commando like a king. I wonder what the people we passed thought of the underwear on a stick.
After finishing dinner recently at my in-laws, we stumble on the topic of Sharting (AKA Gambled and Lost, or Shit+Farting). My Father-in-Law (FIL) admits he had a sharting incident earlier in the day… great dinner conversation I know, typical for that family 🙂 So that leads up to some recent incidents with LoudBoy. First LoudBoy likes to fart and laugh and tell everyone about it, typical boy stuff. A couple weeks ago he tried to fart and comes crying into the room saying he pooped his pants. Holly asked if he was trying to fart and he says yes, but it was wet poop instead! Second recent incident, he was playing video games, lifts up his cheek to let one rip, and you could hear the wetness of the fart.
Holly asks “LoudBoy, was that a fart or a poop?”
“I’m not sure.” LoudBoy answers. It was a shart.
So after sharing sharting stories at the dinner table, my FIL leaves us with this pearl of wisdom for the evening:
As men get older, we start to have Dry Dreams and wet farts.