Appreciation

Posted on May 21, 2013 | 1 Comment

Hawaiian Libertarian had a great post today on general acts of service men often perform for women and how they’re viewed.  He calls it Gaming the Curse of Eve.  As one who is pretty generous and in the past used these acts of service as covert contracts for appreciation or as foreplay, I understand exactly where his writing is coming from:

The “red-pill” woman takes frequent moments to step back and observe all that her husband does for her and their family, and she appreciates it and expresses it to him with her words and her actions. But even the best of them will admit that doing so is a constant struggle to avoid taking their husbands for granted.

This is one of the reasons why unaware, “blue-pill” husbands are utterly destroyed when their wives give them the Eat-Pray-Love frivorce experience. From his blithely unaware perspective, he has a catalog of things he’s done over the course of years stored up in his own mental ledger. An accounting of all that he has done, built and sacrificed for their her benefit.

He assumes she knows the score, even if she doesn’t often express gratitude and appreciation for it. These are the men who are emotionally and mentally devastated to find out she gives all of that previous provisioning, support and stability absolutely zero consideration,  while she’s explaining to him that  she’s not haaaaappppy.

Like author Keoni, I too have changed the perspective and philosophy of why I do these things… why I clean the house, do the dishes, keep the laundry in check.  It’s in general for the good of the house, because I don’t hate these tasks and I  want a clean house.  I hate clutter (parents are hoarders) and it causes me stress so my threshold is pretty low before I need to get things in order.  I used to keep a mental ledger and scorecard and want to be petted like a dog and told what a good dog I was for doing these things.  It was the source of much conflict in an earlier part of my marriage since in my mind the scorecard was imbalanced and I felt the appreciation factor was not that great.

I’m not a “words of affirmation” language, and as a result often feel uncomfortable with compliments.  While I wrote about what men want from their wives (appreciation and frequent enough enthusiastic sex), appreciation can be shown in many ways.  Holly is a “words of affirmation” language and therefore she receives more verbal praise for things that she does…it does feel nice to be appreciated.

What does piss me off though is when I perform an act of service for her, or the kids, and then they complain about the act of service.  I shut that shit down hard and call them out on that.  It is well known to the kids they don’t complain if they don’t like the food we make.  They don’t have to like it, and may not eat much of it, but since we spent time to make a healthy meal for the family to eat they are not allowed to whine or complain that it’s not their favorite meal.

My car took a shit recently, and Holly is doing the SAHM thing temporarily (two kids in school though) so I got the car she normally drives while mine was in the shop.  She didn’t have any pressing transportation needs over a couple day period except to go to the gym which is about three or four miles away.  Knowing that, I got her road bike out and made sure it was in working condition.  I needed to swap pedals out from another bike and she went off a little on the approach I was taking.  At that point I essentially told her she needed to back off and appreciate the fact that I was getting this ready for her.  I didn’t care if she wants to ride a cruiser with no shifting up a steep ass hill to go to the gym vs. a nice road bike, and I didn’t mind doing this (actually sort of like getting the bikes ready for the summer) but I wasn’t going to be doing this for an entitled brat.  She apologized nearly immediately, thanked me for getting it ready for her and I accepted her apology.  No harm, no foul.

So again, men and women reading this out there: do your best not to take each other for granted and to appreciate the little things every day.  You don’t need to be a lap dog about the appreciation, but affirmation of what they do for you and the family in some way (my preferred way is between the sheets :) ) goes a long way toward keeping the vibe and energy positive.  Tell them they’re a good husband/mother/father/wife…or that you appreciate the way their ass looks in those pants.  Easy way to keep things running smoothly.

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Linkage – Patricia’s Smartphone (Roosh) and Palm Zombie (Hawaiian Liberatarian)

Posted on May 20, 2013 | Leave a comment

I’m in the process of helping copy-review a book by one of the fellow bloggers we all know (he hopes to have it out by Father’s Day), so haven’t had time to write a proper post.  Dusted this one off from the Draft folder though.

 

Roosh’s Patricia’s Smartphone post was one of the best social commentaries I’ve ever read on the slippery slope of what this type of communication is doing to us, and to the dating world (and I hate to say it, more often women fall into this trap than men).  It’s long but well worth the read – a snippet:

She stood in front of her bathroom’s mirror to take some self shots. This took a while to get right. The secret to a good self shot, she understood, was making it look completely natural as if the act of taking a photo next to the toilet bowl was a spontaneous event that came in a rare moment of artistic inspiration, when in actuality she has done this over a thousand times. I was impressed at how skilled she was at striking a pose that was the prettiest she could possibly look in spaces that rarely exceeded 84 square feet, with fluorescent lighting that would have easily highlighted her developing second chin had it not been for a precise 20 degree up-tilt of her head that didn’t decrease the brilliance of her blue eyes like a 25 degree tilt would. After fifteen minutes in the bathroom getting it just right, she raced out the door and mentally braced herself for all the idiots who would make unwanted sexual comments about her body, thinking she dressed that way to get attention instead of to feel confident about herself and who she was as a woman.

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been falling into this world a little more frequently (checking Facebook and reading too many blogs is as low as I go though), and Holly has been programmed for awhile longer.

Hawaiian Liberatarian had this Palm Zombie post with the following pic

zombies-on-smartphones-536x447

Smart phones are here to stay, but use these posts to keep a level head and to help remember to live in the real world and not a virtual one where all your affirmations are virtual as well.

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Posted in Random

Parent/Teacher Fail – Communication Gaffe

Posted on May 17, 2013 | 1 Comment

I saw this story on Yahoo! today about a parent going off on the school for not catching a major mix up with after school care for their 8-year old.  Here’s a few blurbs to get the gist of the story:

This time around nobody called the school and nobody gave Addie a note so she could ride a different bus home from school-oops.

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When Addie got to school she realized that she didn’t have a note to ride a different bus. Knowing that nobody was going to be at our house if she had to ride her regular bus home, she decided to forge a note and sign my name to it. She handed the forged note to her teacher and her teacher recognized that the note was a forgery. Addie was pulled aside and lectured about how dangerous it is to forge notes in order to ride a different bus home. Addie was then told to sit in a corner with her head down on the desk for a certain period of time.

___________

At the very least Addie gave enough information to the school to give rise to a suspicion that a child may be going to an empty home. In the legal world, we would argue that once Addie turned in the forged note and explained why she needed to ride a different bus that there was enough of a red flag there that the school had a duty to investigate. But the school didn’t investigate. Instead, it sent Addie home on her regular bus. I got calls from a panicked parent who was expecting to watch Addie after school letting me know that Addie didn’t show up and from a panicked neighbor to let me know that she had Addie. I screwed up and sent Addie to school without a note, but that doesn’t absolve the school from acting like a responsible entity and I’m pretty furious with the school right now over this whole incident.

We went through a similar experience, but were relieved when the school and bus company’s protocol was followed to prevent a bad situation.

For most of the school year, LoudBoy and Birdsnest do an after school program right at their elementary school.  One day a week they went home on the bus and Holly or I would meet them.  Well one day, five year-old Loudboy decided he would take the bus home on a day he normally doesn’t.  To this day, I don’t know what he was thinking.  Well I get a call from the after school program right away saying LoudBoy wasn’t in their care and they were working with the school office and bus company to track him down.  They guessed he got on the bus but didn’t realize it. I’m picturing him being dropped off at home, with no one there and freaking out.  I’m not even sure what he would do.

Well he gets off at his stop, without his sister who always rides with him, and goes up to our door (normally we meet them at the bus stop outside with Dum-Dum the dog) and of course no one is home.  The bus driver waited through this time, realizing something wasn’t right.  LoudBoy got back on the bus and they communicated back to the school and then to us, the situation and everything worked out fine.  Pretty stressful for a while there but we were notified right away when things weren’t right.

I can certainly see how something like the Yahoo! story can happen with complicated after school schedules, split parenting, divorce custody arrangements, etc. and hope your schools and bus company and after school care have protocols in place to prevent anything bad from happening from a simple mix up.  Sounds like that kid’s teacher is not very good though.  Like an 8 year old is trying to forge a note just to have fun or something.  I’m sure that note must have been hilarious since the handwriting is so obviously not a grown up.

Have a nice weekend all!

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Getting that Summer Body: Squats and Stuff

Posted on May 15, 2013 | 1 Comment

I finally feel like I’m back in the mix after the hand surgery a month ago.  Instead of following Outlaw for the last 6 weeks, which is a mix of olympic lifting, power lifting and short-intense-heavy crossfit sessions (usually), I’ve been on a more linear progression, mostly powerlifting approach with just a couple sessions of Oly lifting to knock the rust off.  Between being in the hospital, not lifting for a month and the back half of the Whole Life Challenge I dropped down to the lowest weight I’d been in nearly two years.  Along with that came a drop in strength… like, a lot.  I was surprised at how weak I came back and how out of shape.

Linear progression (Starting Strength style) is pretty dummy proof.  Start with a low enough weight, do three sets of 5 reps (Greyskull Linear Progression is nearly the same too, where you do as many reps as possible on that last set, either is fine) of a few key exercises.  I used this once per week for the following exercises: high-bar back squat, front squat, bench press, strict shoulder press.  Each time you do the same exercise you add 5 lbs (for squats) and 2.5-5 lbs for bench or press.  You may notice the lack of heavy deadlifts.  I deadlift occasionally with moderate weights, but my back has issues (spondylosis, and pelvis rotation) that are exacerbated with heavy deadlifts, or high volume deadlifts with poor form from fatigue.

I’m finally feeling some progress on the strength front and while I’m not back to where I was, I’m getting there.  In addition to the straight linear progression, I’m adding some lighter weight, higher rep stuff to supplement and to add a larger muscular appearance for the summer season.  This means some additional shoulder work (some push presses or thrusters), strict pullups, some squat-esque type work (squat cleans, thrusters, another squat day), and even some bicep work (curls for the girls, something I only work a few months out of the years).  Reps will range from 8-20 depending on what I’m working towards, and usually 3-5 sets.  In addition, I’m getting back into the Oly lifting again (snatch and clean and jerk), if only 3 days a week, and that has made a big improvement on explosiveness in the hips, and traps and shoulder development.  I expect to continue on this hybrid approach (linear progression plus higher reps) for the next couple weeks when I expect to stall out, then switch to either a straight Outlaw approach again, or something along the lines of a modified a Westside Barbell which Outlaw is actually based on.

For a man, I think a strong, good looking summer body has the following characteristics:  strong shoulders, nice chest, some traps, and not fat.  Abs are well and good, but a strong core from heavy squats and deadlifts are apparent, while skinny dudes can have visible abs but minimal core strength (think: Justing Bieber).

Finished Bulking

As long as you aren’t too fat, you can still look good if you chest is strong/large enough.. sort of like you overlook a little flab on a lady if she’s got big enough boobs, it’s a matter of perspective.  And while I’ve talked about squats a little above, the fact that most men aren’t wearing short shorts at the park, and the long board shorts are the norm, it’s not readily apparent you’re working on your legs.  However, there’s a lot of importance from doing squats and really, squats balance the rest of your appearance and support overall muscular growth.

From Outlaw Fitness (not to be confused with the Outlaw Way or Outlaw Crossfit by the way), comes the 15 benefits of squats, a few important ones [note: the below refers to heavy squats, not light or bodyweight ones which have a fitness/aerobic impact but don't trigger CNS recruitment and benefits noted below in the same way]:

1. Squats Create An Anabolic Environment. No other exercise on the planet (with the possible exception of the deadlift) does more to promote overall muscle growth. This means, not only will the squat build muscles directly related to the exercise itself – like your quadriceps, hamstrings, and calves – it also indirectly promotes muscle growth across the rest of your body, in places like your biceps, chest, and back (for examples).

You get greater overall muscle and strength gains from the squat than from any other exercise….Squats create an overall anabolic environment in the body that maximizes gains from other exercises [in your workout]. says Jeff Volek, Ph.D., R.D., C.S.C.S., an exercise researcher at the University of Connecticut.

3. Increase Functional Strength. Very few exercises are as natural as the squat. Since the very beginning of time, man has been squatting down to pick berries, gather food, light fires, and even cook. It makes sense than that the squat builds pure, functional strength. Not only do they build huge amounts of muscle, the squat also forces your body’s nerve networks to work your muscles more efficiently.

6. Entire Body Workout (almost). There is arguably no other exercise that works more muscles than the squat. If you were only to do one exercise for the rest of your life, the squat would make an excellent choice.

7. Growth Hormones and Testosterone. These anabolic hormones are vital for muscle growth, and the squat stimulates your body to produce these more than any other exercise. Want bigger biceps? Add squats to your routine.

8. Sports and Performance. Not only will it make you jump higher and sprint faster, as I mentioned above, it will make you stronger and more explosive no matter what your particular sport is. It’s no wonder squats are part of the regular training regimen of every professional athlete.

9. Increase Upper Body Strength. Due to the large amounts of growth hormone and testosterone released by squatting, your upper body will grow larger and stronger than it would had you not regularly implemented squats into your workouts.

10. Tone and Tighten Your Butt. I implore you to find an exercise that’ll give you a nicer looking rear-end than the squat. Don’t believe me? Go give it a try yourself. [AMD Note: So True!]

15. They’ll Give You Great Abs. If you’ve got a body fat percentage that’s low enough, and you squat regularly, you’ll quickly find that you have no need to do a lot of work on your abs. In fact, some of the best sets of abs I’ve ever seen have been the product of squats, and squats alone.

My biggest problem is balancing out nutrition to support muscle growth but not so much that I’m gaining [too much] fat.  Yeah, I’m vain in that I want to look good at the neighborhood pool, but that’s part of what I’m working towards. After pool season I may take a serious stab at the Lift Big, Eat Big approach and just try to gain as much muscle mass I can in 6 months and see what happens.  But for now, I realize I’m compromising to some extent on how strong I can get…sacrificing strength and mass for a leaner physique.  Trust me though, I’ve got some meat on my bones and look nothing like the Bieber-lookalike above.  When I feel confident enough, I still hope to post some photos of my progression from skinny-fat runner to skinny-ish HIIT training to lifting heavy crossfit-esque training bodies.

Hope your summer preparations for a better body are going well.

…and here’s my idea of a lady’s beach body (some muscles and curves – notice lack of flab and waif-like arms and legs).

Abbey "Pudgy" Stockton, Queen of the Beasts and Regent of Muscle Beach.

Abbey “Pudgy” Stockton, Queen of the Beasts and Regent of Muscle Beach.

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Posted in Fitness, Healthy Eating

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Garage Sale Days Rant

Posted on May 14, 2013 | 4 Comments

Last weekend (err.. really it seemed like most of a week, with many starting Thurs. some extending to Sunday) was Garbage Sale Days in our community.  We moved to our bedroom community due to a shorter commute, a nice neighborhood and good school district.  Overall, our town is pretty affluent, and have a number of nice residential developments that make it a mecca for garage sale snobs and trolls alike.

Classic Midwestern Garage Sale

One week(end) a year, our town gets taken over by crazies making getting on the bus, driving to work and walking my dog an absolute chore.  I’m not sure what rock these people crawled out from, but apparently sifting through peoples unwanted belonging is like catnip for these crazy cat ladies (mostly).  People come from an hour or two away for this shit.  They arrive about 6:30 am scouting out the best spots.

Slamming on brakes to peer into garages while I’m trying to make headway home; double and triple parking in narrow residential streets… backing out onto busy roads without looking… turning U-turns to get that prime parking spot… a special spot in hell is reserved for these fuckers. Feel like parking your truck in my driveway to visit my neighbor’s sale? Go right ahead dickwad!  Yes my dog is cute, but don’t pet her you snuggy wearing dillhole who looks like they just wrestled a hobo.  I already had MRSA this year, I don’t need it again from you petting my dog.  And just because we’re around (playing, doing yard work, whatever) does not mean there is any way in hell you or disgusting kids are using my bathroom.

The best is watching people dicker over junk.  Will you take a quarter for this wafflemaker [that's priced at a $1 to begin with]?  Hey, that’s a really nice treadmill [priced at a bargain $50], how about I take it off your hands for $5? And lets get into many of these tards who have a Garage Sale.  They put out these huge signs saying “HUGE MULTI-FAMILY GARAGE SALE” and it’s some jam jars, some matted down stuffed animals, the complete Avatar McDonald’s glass set, and some mom-jeans from the 80′s that would fit Roseanne Barr. Seriously I could shart a better garage sale spread than half these people.Used underwear and socks?!  Seriously, used underwear (not just kids, but men’s and women’s underwear)!

Or else they’re really nice stuff, but priced like you were shopping at Banana Republic – no better than retail.  WTF?  Seriously, you’re delusional!  You want me to pay $10 for DVDs I’ve never heard of? That Timex watch from 1992 probably isn’t worth $30.

Both Holly and my mom LOOOooove garage sales. They’ll take days off of work to find that bargain of a century.  Sometimes my wife does pretty well, but for a minimalist who has nearly everything he could want already, it’s frustrating. I told her if she came home with another fucking rug she’d have to move out.  She bought two bags of yarn (she knits and crochets in the winter) for $9 and was so excited because normally they were $6 a skein.  Now I know a lot of units of measurement from my schooling from the metric ton to the furlong to a hectare, but I never heard of a skein before.

And let me talk about the brilliance of teaching the kids about money while garage saling. We gave each kid $20 in $1 bills for back allowances and said they could save it for something big, spend it on themselves or even buy mother’s day presents if they so desired.  Birdsnest was frugal and spent a whole $0.25 on a three-ring binder to put her papers in (she’s kind of a nerd), but LoudBoy (age 5) spent like a drunken sailor at a whorehouse.  What did he spend his money on you ask? Well, despite having about 30 stuffed animals at home, he came home with about another dozen: two big pillow pets, a bunch of various elephants and bears and giraffes and also a giant white cat.  He’s a sweet kid, and he was very proud of his purchases, but I just can’t help but picture all the snot and drool that went on these from some other kid.  I have to look at the bright side though, maybe he’ll finally stop asking me for the 6′ tall giant teddy bear from Costco.

Personally I’m pretty skeeved to both attend and put on a yard sale.  I don’t want people pawing through my old stuff, and find most other people’s things not my style or very weird.  Why would people sell makeup at a yard sale?  Or “new” jars of lotion?  I find the whole thing utterly bizarre.  If you put one on, what do you end up making per hour?  If you do a two day sale, with the sorting, pricing setup, attendance dealing with the tards asking dumb questions and bargaining, and take down, that’s probably about 30 hours worth of work?  Depending on how good of junk you have, let’s say you make $500, that works out to bout $17 per hour.  Not bad, but I’d rather have a root canal than put up with the hassle.  Instead, you’ll see me on the porch, watching the show with a California margarita (just tequila and lime juice) in my hand.  Beats going to the movies!

Now that they’re over, I have to look at all these signs that people forgot to take down which means I’ll have more geniuses driving around my neighborhood looking for the Garage Sale that was over three days ago.

Got any good stories to share, from your garbage sales?

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Posted in Random

Removing Old Growth – Burnin’

Posted on May 13, 2013 | 2 Comments

A couple weeks ago we did a prairie burn at a friend’s property.  We do this every year or two and is usually a fun time.  The kids play and run around in the woods and find cool things like the deer skeleton below, while the grownups grab a flapper (wooden handled pole with a thick rubber flap to put out fire) or a water backpack with spray nozzel and burn the prairie.  The purpose of a prairie burn is to remove old growth and stop the spread of invasive species while putting nutrients back in the soil.  Sometimes the act of burning allows dormant native grasses to spread, become active, or now have a clear space for sunlight and nutrients that previously wasn’t there.  In our own lives, it’s good to remove old growth in any number of things:

  • Getting rid of clothes that don’t fit, are out of fashion
  • Getting rid of “stuff” that accumulates; donate it (keep the receipt for tax purposes) or have a garage sale
  • Let go of the hard feelings of the past, focus more on being a good person (wife, husband, mother, father, friend, child) now
  • Roll over that 401k that you’ve been sitting on from that old job. I guarantee you are paying way too high of administrative fees and are losing money on what are likely poor investment choices.  Go to Scottrade or E-Trade or whatever on-line broker you prefer and have them help you.  Basically, a direct rollover into an IRA will incur no fees or taxes. Instead, invest in Vanguard Index funds (very, very low fees) in a diversified way that meets your risk tolerance.  Now is the time
  • Clean the house down to the bones.  Spring cleaning is the time to make things shine since summer is way to fun to spend time getting the grime out of the refrigerator or powerwashing the siding.

Here are some photos.

Deer

Deer missing a head, kids loved this

 

Fire 4

Two burns meeting in the middle

Fire 3 Fire 1 Fire 2

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Posted in Marriage, Random

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Happy Mother’s Day (..and Night)!

Posted on May 12, 2013 | 1 Comment

LOVE! the roast beef sandwiches!  and J.T.!  and i sooo wish I could grow a beard.

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How to fight with your spouse

Posted on May 10, 2013 | Leave a comment

Just because you fight with your husband or wife doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage. We are all individuals with our own thoughts and agendas and because of that we aren’t going to agree with any single person on everything.  Also, we all have our faults, mess up, are lazy and generally are imperfect beings.  This will bother people and depending on the level of conflict, may result in a fight.  Studies have shown that it’s not if you fight that makes a difference in long term marital happiness, success and stress, but how you fight.  The biggest things we fight about in marriage are sex, kids and money (order depends if you’re a man or woman), so you’re not unique in your arguments with your spouse.

Here are some things to consider the next time you find yourself fighting:

1) The first three minutes are critical -

Studies have shown that if you are able to stay on task and not spiral down to mud slinging in that time frame, you have a good chance of making it into actual issue resolution.

2) Deescalate -

To get through past three minutes, usually deescalation strategies need to be employed, especially if the fight starts out or ramps up to “Guns a’blazin’” zone.  At least one person needs to try and deescalate things when they heat up.  What usually happens when we fight is our ego takes a stance that we have to “win” the argument.  So your partner ego attacks, you naturally want to counterattack, back and forth that goes.  Changing the mentality to not attack but to countersteer the argument back to productive area is the way to go.  During one of the training exercises I did in conflict resolution, we had a police officer come in and do some training drills he had learned that he called “Verbal Judo”. Judo, if you don’t know, is referred to as “the gentle way”.  This martial art uses your opponents force and redirects it to your advantage.

One way to do this is to take a moment, let the argument or fight wash over you like a wave washes over a rock.  Let the argument settle for a moment to clear your head, calm down for a moment and incorporate one of these strategies for deescalation:

A) Affirmation – affirm that your partner’s argument has merit and you can see how him or her came to that conclusion.  Then state your vantage point in a calm, rational manner.  ”I can see how you could think that, but here’s what I meant when I said XYZ…”

B) Rephrase – rephrase what your partner has stated “just so I can understand where you’re coming from, you’re saying that [REPHRASED STATEMENT]”

C) Use Humor or Affection – sometimes it get’s hot and heavy saying something disarming like “I hate it when we fight” can have a big impact on deescalating and getting to the root of the issue and calming both parties down.

D) Take a time out – Simply state that you some time to compose your thoughts and you aren’t disengaging from the discussion; you just need a moment to calm down and think rationally.

3)  Know how to bring your issue to light – Complaint vs. Criticism (and Contempt)

How you argue is very important.  If you want the shields to go up to Level 10 and for you to be rebuffed even in fair assessments, go in with a criticism.  This is an attack on your partner.  Compare that to a complaint – a more blameless approach to the same discussion point that you can then slowly delve into salient viewpoints on the issue.  Take for example a discussion on sex.  An approach to begin the “discussion” with a complaint may start as “I’m really disappointed we don’t have sex more often.” or “We should really find a way to improve our sex life.”  Now compare it to a criticism: “What is your problem? Why do you constantly shut down and rebuff my advances for sex?” or “You’re the reason our sex life sucks!”.  While those criticism may be true, she’ll always be on the defensive ready to attack back and her ego will try to fight hard against the more frontal assault.

Also, along with criticism is contempt.  To snipe and say mean disgustful things to purposely hurt feelings is a way to escalate the fight, the opposite of being constructive.  Even eye rolling is contemptful in that it shows disregard for your partners viewpoint.

4) Other things to consider - 

One thing I’ve been guilty of is disengaging from battle when the heat is on.  Rather than discuss things through to completion, you (I) throw my arms up and leave, or stonewall and not respond.  Holly is usually really good at getting me back into the ring despite my shitty behavior, but it shouldn’t be on her to do that.  Those are things that should be avoided when having a fight or discussion as it is not productive in the long term. at. all.  Also, when discussing things, try to be on the same physical level as your partner (both standing, both sitting), arms not crossed, making eye contact.

Take your share of the blame.  If you’re a beta man, and you didn’t do anything “wrong”, you should try and take your share of the blame without apologizing.  But there’s usually two sides to every argument or misunderstanding.  Say things like “I should have been clearer in my expectations/my request/my communication and not have expected you to make the same assumptions/decisions I did.  Next time I’ll try and do a better job, but if you don’t understand something or are unclear on it, please ask”.  [This is a common one for us as it's based on the common miscommunication MEME that seems to arise frequent enough].  Hopefully, your spouse is big enough to behave in a similar fashion, but this isn’t always the case.

Also, one person has to bring the olive branch and make up.   Being the one to reach out and hug the other and say something simple like “I hate it when we fight” can go a long way, maybe even to some make-up sex.  You can still agree to disagree, but can’t let these hurt feelings linger.  Try to resolve the issue before going to bed, and hopefully carry over will be minimal.  Also, try not to gunnysack (keep feelings bottled up until the teapot boils) and instead let out your thoughts in smaller bites or discussions.

Finally, we are all hurt and emotional and ego’s are a-roarin’ during a fight. This is not the time to bring up the “D” word to hurt your partner.  You may be seeing red, but no good can come from that in the middle of a figurative knock-out, throw-down fight.  After nerves calm, and you can rationally think, you’ll see that is probably not the road you want to go down, but if it is, it’s better to start those discussions in a rationale frame of mind.  More than likely, if you bring up divorce in a fight, you’re just looking to hurt your partner and to show him how much they hurt you previously.  Fight fair and don’t go down to this level.

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We all fight, it’s unavoidable.  It really sucks when we do and usually at least one person feels angry or hurt or embarrassed for their behavior or actions.  A lot of our fights are based on miscommunication and while we’re mad at each other, we know it will pass.  Hopefully you can see your behavior a little more clearly and can employ some of these strategies in your own lives.

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More learnin’: What the “How You Met” story means for married folks

Posted on May 9, 2013 | Leave a comment

I don’t mean to keep banging the For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed drum, but I keep finding nuggets that I found interesting.  Maybe some of these are obvious to some of you, but I found the fact they were supported by research, video recordings and analyzing couples to put them in a different light than just blanket statements about the state of the marriage.

Before getting into the “How You Met” research, I wanted to mention some earlier ones that were interesting.  Studies showed that couples who tend to fight more frequently aren’t any more likely to get divorced than those who don’t.  It comes down to the fact that they just deal with resolution of the conflict differently and is not a good indicator of divorce potential.

Researchers had a bunch of couples (50 or 60 if I remember right) discuss various topics, some sensitive and videotaped them.  Then a few years later, after some of the couples had gotten divorced, they had hundreds of other people take a look at the video interaction between the couples and guess which ones stayed together and which divorced.   Basically, it came down to guessing.. a flip of the coin.  The people asked to review these interactions ranged from happily married couples, to pastors, to divorced, to just regular single and married folks.  Just how they interacted with one another, or dealt with conflict, was a poor predictor of divorce potential.  A couple of our best friends have been married as long as we have, and they both behave how I’d consider volatile with each other, but this behavior is consistent.  They seem to yell at each other a lot and say things to each other (in our company and among other friends) that would be deal breakers for other couples.  But they know they aren’t being serious and it’s just how they are (the wife is Italian if that helps explain things).  I am guessing they’ll stay married despite this type of conflict resolution behavior.

The one predictor that they said was highly correlated (90% +/- 4% depending on the type of couple) with indicating divorce potential was the “How You Met” analysis.  So a bunch of married couples at various stages of marriage (from newlyweds to those married years) were asked to recount their “How You Met” story, with some directed questions to guide them.  Questions were along the lines of how they dealt with early struggles, what they remember about their early courtship, and recalling some of the details of the actual meeting and dating that went on.  Researchers would break down the tapes and tag the various parts of the conversation with scores.  Then they revisited the data a few years later (don’t recall how much time, 3 or 5 years maybe?) and found a very high correlation with certain scoring and predicting which couples divorced.

The first correlating factor was if the Husband was working in disappointment or disillusionment into his version of the story.  Like if he started adding color commentary to the story or even unsolicited advice.  Examples like “I probably should have spent more time traveling and having fun before settling down” or “It was more of an emotional decision, and not a rational one, and it probably would have been a better idea to have waited longer” were thrown around as examples of this disappointment.  The wife’s disillusionment or disappointment wasn’t correlated to divorce potential.

The second correlating factor was the use of “we” and “our” in coloring the stories of early relationship.  If you see yourselves as a couple and are happy, you tend to use the plural pronouns much more frequently, while if you feel like you’re separate and an individual more I’s and me and you and my show up.  Also, the tenor of the story can change depending if you’re happy in the relationship or things are going poorly.  It’s like the same story, but viewed through a different lens.  I’ve shared an abbreviated version of where I was in my life and how I met my wife, and is one we both share from time to time with a lot of nostalgia and happy memories.  If we were in a dark place, Holly would potentially change the story vantage to “It probably foreshadowed where things are today [not good] that he was throwing rocks at me.” vs. in a good place “He was acting so cute and playful and threw rocks at me… like a schoolboy.”

In my own life, and recalling our “How We Met” story, I have a lot of fond memories of our early meeting and courtship.  We were inseparable more or less after we met and spent most of 8 or 9 months together in some fashion most days before moving 1,000 miles away and moving in together. Sure some things weren’t super awesome; we were both broke, slept on a mattress on the floor (even an air mattress for awhile when moving to my first job), had furniture found on the curb, ended up juggling big credit card debt, had an ultimatum to work through (about where our relationship was going and if she was moving with me to my first job), and we dealt with stages of underpaid, underemployed, unemployed and some depression issues.  However, when recounting these stories we tend to gloss over the bad parts and use them to illustrate the trials and tribulations that we’ve overcome and how far we’ve come together, as a couple.

The story of “How You Met” itself doesn’t matter much, but how you tell it certainly does.  So what does your story predict?  Together forever, or storm clouds on the horizon?

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The Snowball Effect

Posted on May 8, 2013 | 3 Comments

When I finally discovered the relationship Red Pill and swallowed it hard, it was like all the tumblers of a lock falling into place, or like figuring out a puzzle.  Things from the past and present all of a sudden made sense when I began to understand some of the underlying behavioral, biological, and psychological principals that we unknowingly operate under.  It’s not inherently easy to figure this out, and some men seem naturally born into this, some accidentally perform this way for awhile before changing, and some struggle to even get started.  ”Game” and the Red Pill was a game-changer for me and had a big impact on how life currently is.

If you are reading this, you’re likely reading other ‘Sphere bloggers of some sort, so I know I’m preaching to the choir here with many of my thoughts and posts.  But what I think is really rewarding is what Athol Kay must go through nearly every day, and that is actually introducing these teachings and thoughts to those who need it and having a positive tangible impact on others’ lives.  So the snowball starts with us learning from others, and grows as we teach our own larger circle about this information.

Two recent examples of the snowball effect starting to take shape:

 Friend One: This friend of ours we’ve known for awhile and have spent time with his family at our house and theirs.  He’s a Facebook fanatic and a few weeks ago he just had radio silence.  I thought maybe he got in trouble at work or something, but it was all about him overstepping bounds in personal life. We spent a few hours in the car this last weekend where he confided the whole business.  He works in a female dominated field (think along the lines of teaching or nursing) and has women work friends.  It turns out the boundaries between work friends and “more than that” started to blur pretty hard.  They were both confiding in each other issues they were having in their marriages and they started to flirt on Facebook messenger.  My friend’s wife saw some of the messages and shut.it.down.hard.  Holly and I both thought “Good on her!”

My friend said in his own vocabulary that they were essentially starting to get into, or was at the start of, an emotional affair.  He said it was flattering to be near 40 and having an attractive, albeit married, woman find him attractive and to think, “yeah, I could totally hit that if I wanted.”  They didn’t often work directly together, but had just started to cross the emotional boundary. He was rightfully remorseful about his actions and said he REALLY loved his wife and wanted to work it out.  I believe him, and since it was caught in time I don’t believe any permanent damage was done.

I wasn’t sure he understood why it happened in the first place, so we started having a conversation exploring this. This friend is very heavy into fitness activities and seems to always be doing some competition or another, and his wife really doesn’t have the competitive spirit or want to partake in these same activities. She generally does her own exercise thing, but has put on typical “mom” weight you see out there every day and hasn’t figured out how to take it off.  While she’s a very pretty woman, this weight gain and (my opinion here) short hair cut has resulted in diminished attraction by her husband (implicitly implied by his words).  He alluded to the fact that they don’t have sex as frequently as he’d like (shocker! seems like that was a common theme among the men that weekend, with me being the possible exception) and that was probably part of it too.

Frankly, my opinion is they both need to figure some stuff out and work on themselves, and have some hard conversations.  I basically started to feed him a little information about why that happened chemically in his EA (dopamine fix) and how it’s a different ballgame with his spousal attraction (mostly oxytocin/vasopresin- pairbonding chemicals) until excitement is added back in somehow.  Finally, I passed on to him additional resources (MMSL) and told him that this would pull the curtain back on the “whys” of what was going on and how to improve things.

Based on his humble acceptance of his mistakes, learning more about his past relationships (with BSC women) and how he realizes his current wife is so much “better” (stable, smart, interesting) I have high hopes they’ll get things pulled together.  They’ve both lost the tingles after two kids and 10+ years of marriage, a common story.  Now hopefully he’ll take the few tools I’ve passed on and start rebuild what they once had.  We’ll see (stay tuned).

Friend Two:  This guy is one of our oldest friends.  Holly has known him since they were little kids and he’s more like a brother than a friend.  We see their family fairly frequently, though not as often as before nor are we as close as before.  But the relationship is still there.   He is in a tough spot right now and is flailing a little as he’s trying to improve.  He’s been out of work for awhile and has been taking care of the home-front while his wife works.  Suffering from depression and anxiety, he’s kind of been a bear to live with for awhile by his own admittance, but he’s opening his eyes all of a sudden that he needs to change.  He’s very fearful that he’s done irreparable damage to his marriage and is desperately trying to figure things out before it’s too late.

Holly has had some minor anxiety and depression in the past herself and basically told him he had to get that squared away before anything else could happen [Deal with major structural issues first].  Because of that he got on some medication that, while too early to really tell, should help him with his chemical imbalance.  Having someone to talk to about this, and to get advice from, has really helped as well.  Despite his outward appearance of generally having his shit together, he’s falling apart and felt totally alone and scared about what he perceived of as the world crumbling around him.  Having an outlet and someone who has been there has been invaluable.

Desperate for improvement, he’s already started down the road of lifting weights to make himself look and feel better (he’s slim, but not much of an exerciser).  He’s also applied to and been accepted to a STEM field program at our local campus (dude is a genius but never really applied himself to academics to advance his career potential). Then getting into his marriage part, I’ve always thought his wife adored him.  Holly is good friends with her as well, but our friend’s wife is fairly buttoned up and private so we only get minor insights into what she’s really thinking.  Reading the tea-leaves, Holly thought that while his wife was frustrated with him for various reasons, she was mostly just concerned for him and wanted him to get better.  With the steps he’s taking, I have to think she’ll let some of the ill will go.  It’s hard for us to say if his high level of concern that he permanently messed things up is overreaction or not, but I tend to think it is.  She may have issues with him and their marriage, but she doesn’t seem the type to blow things up without giving it a good fight, we’re happy that our friend is finally looking for his own answers.

Finally, it’s been Holly (not me) who is feeding him Red Pill thinking.  Saying how taking more control of the family direction (LEADER, CAPTAIN) has been something that has worked for me, for us.  I’m sure having your wife work, while you aren’t, has to be tough to swallow, despite how it benefits your family. It’s a power shift that can be difficult for both parties to handle and it seems like unconsciously they’re both aware that this isn’t working.  The good news is that he’s desperate to come around to this way of thinking and has made some huge steps in just the last week that will improve his life and his marriage.

No one really knows the inner workings of others’ marriages, but if I had to guess, he’s been lacking some Alpha and some Beta (he may cook and do some household chores, but am guessing his emotional comfort side has been lacking… just a guess though) for some time.  With a little direction, he should come around in short order. The only thing I would worry about is that the desperation and worry about how far things have spiraled in his marriage (at least in his mind) will result in him overcompensating in the beta things.  Compliment and Cuddle may be a good short term strategy if it hasn’t been on the table (like at all) in a marriage, but for a long-term solution it will have the opposite affect.

As Holly tried to help, she also recommended The 5 Love Languages since it really is like they don’t know each other that well despite being together 15 years or so.  That book helped us realize what was most important (I’m a physical touch Major, with words of affirmation minor; Holly is Words of Affirmation major) and allowed us to take care to make sure these areas addressed properly. Hopefully it is just another building block they use together to get back to a happier place.

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Marriage is an adventure and a journey without a map.   Despite our best intentions, we find ourselves looking for answers to questions we previously didn’t even know existed.  Luckily, we stumbled upon some things that seem to work for us and hopefully our gentle nudging will help others improve on their own marriages.  If I have any updates I’ll be sure to provide them, but I have high hopes for both couples finding the path that works for them.  The fact they want things to work is a big motivating factor.  Good luck out there in the jungle!

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